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I am the happy adoptive mother of a 22 day old infant. The birth mother is in prison and will be released at the end of this month. She has already signed termination papers, and we have had the baby since birth. I do not mind sending her photos of the child, although contact is not written into the adoption agreement. The birth mother has a history with CPS, and had she not designated my husband and I as adoptive parents, CPS would have immediately placed the child in foster care.

The birth mother contacts us infrequently (once every week or two) but has voiced concern about our lack of letter-writing to her. She wants to prove to us that she can be a "good" person and has spoken of meeting with my husband and I, so she can get to know us. I do not see the value of such a meeting, and my husband and attorney are opposed to anything more than the exchange of photos.

What is your opinion in light of her history? How do I go about breaking off contact without being abrupt?

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Originally Posted By KSilber

Dear hasquishy,

First of all, congratulations on your adoption! It sounds like your baby is in a good place and will certainly benefit from growing up in a stable, loving home.

As a strong proponent of open adoption, I generally encourage people to maintain contact with their baby's birthmother. Even if she's in prison, she is still the child's birthmother. Given that I don't have specific information about your birthmother, here are some general suggestions.

If the birthmother was convicted of a violent crime, certainly you would not want to risk the lives of your child or family. However, you could still maintain contact through letters and pictures (or supervised visits). If she is in prison for non-violent crimes, you could also maintain contact either through correspondence or visits. We have worked with adoptive families in similar situations who still maintained some contact. They feel, and I agree, that the child benefits from a relationship with their birthparents.

It's alright for a child to know about a birthparent's problems; in fact, in situations where a birthparent has obvious barriers to parenting, it is simpler for the child to understand why they were placed for adoption.

I realize that you may not be comfortable with this suggestion initially. However, you may not really need to make this life-long decision right away. You could leave the door open on this issue for a time, while continuing with the letters and pictures. If you decide to spend some time researching open adoption, I encourage you to let the birthmother know that you are considering her request for continued or increased contact.

Then, while you are thinking about how to address the relationship with her, I encourage you to find out if there are any half-day or one-day workshops on adoption in your area. Perhaps attend a meeting of an adult adoptees support group, such as the Adoptee Liberty Movement Association (ALMA) and learn about some of the difficult issues adult adoptees face, particularly those who do not know their birthparents. This might enable you to consider some additional flexibility with the birthmother.

You may also want to read some books about open adoption. My book, "Children of Open Adoption", examines the experience of many children in open adoptions, from infancy to adolescence. "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia might also be helpful to you.

Good luck in working through these issues.

Regards,
Kathleen

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Dear hasquishy,

First of all, congratulations on your adoption! It sounds like your baby is in a good place and will certainly benefit from growing up in a stable, loving home.

As a strong proponent of open adoption, I generally encourage people to maintain contact with their baby's birthmother. Even if she's in prison, she is still the child's birthmother. Given that I don't have specific information about your birthmother, here are some general suggestions.

If the birthmother was convicted of a violent crime, certainly you would not want to risk the lives of your child or family. However, you could still maintain contact through letters and pictures (or supervised visits). If she is in prison for non-violent crimes, you could also maintain contact either through correspondence or visits. We have worked with adoptive families in similar situations who still maintained some contact. They feel, and I agree, that the child benefits from a relationship with their birthparents.

It's alright for a child to know about a birthparent's problems; in fact, in situations where a birthparent has obvious barriers to parenting, it is simpler for the child to understand why they were placed for adoption.

I realize that you may not be comfortable with this suggestion initially. However, you may not really need to make this life-long decision right away. You could leave the door open on this issue for a time, while continuing with the letters and pictures. If you decide to spend some time researching open adoption, I encourage you to let the birthmother know that you are considering her request for continued or increased contact.

Then, while you are thinking about how to address the relationship with her, I encourage you to find out if there are any half-day or one-day workshops on adoption in your area. Perhaps attend a meeting of an adult adoptees support group, such as the Adoptee Liberty Movement Association (ALMA) and learn about some of the difficult issues adult adoptees face, particularly those who do not know their birthparents. This might enable you to consider some additional flexibility with the birthmother.

You may also want to read some books about open adoption. My book, "Children of Open Adoption", examines the experience of many children in open adoptions, from infancy to adolescence. "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia might also be helpful to you.

Good luck in working through these issues.

Regards,
Kathleen

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