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Hi. I relinquished my son to adoption 13 years ago. The adoption was what is considered semi-open. We exhchanged photos, letters and gifts, but no idendifying information.

I have moved twice, married twice, but have always kept my information at the agency up to date. I have continued to write to my son's family and always send gifts for Birthdays and Christmas. The letters and pictures I received were truly a welcome gift in my life and I told them so. We had a special bond and a unique friendship. However, the last time I heard from his adoptive parents was Christmas of 1996 - two years ago. This has been really hard for me to understand and accept with no explanation.

A few years ago, they adopted a second child from the same agency (WACAP). The birthmother of their daughter however, did not want to have any ongoing contact with her child. This was hard for them to understand, but they accepted it as her wish. My son's mother was concerned about the two siblings having such a different experience in their lives. I know she was afraid that her daughter would be hurt when she discovered that her brother's birthmom remained in contact, while her own didn't. I was concerned too. Since then, I have made every effort to include my son's sister in the contact I have with him by sending her special gifts of her own, and treating them as one family together.

What could be the reason they have stopped writing? They did write my parents last summer (pictures included), and mentioned that they had a letter pending for me, but nothing ever came. The last picture I have is dated 1996. I can't begin to tell you how much this hurts. I have yet to receive any confirmation that they received my letters, pictures and gifts from last Christmas as well as this Christmas.

Now that my son is 13, and on the way to adulthood, I am concerned that he may become ambivilent towards me if I don't break through somehow. Should I begin addressing my letters to him only so that he knows he is the reason I am staying in touch? I have already sent "the letter" and a huge photographic album of his birthfamily years ago....

Any suggestions would be so appreciated..

~Thanks

Hurt and Confused.

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Originally Posted By KSilber

Dear jgregory,

In adoption circles we always admire the courage birthparents have to place children for adoption. Open adoption has enabled birthparents to always know how the child is doing.

I believe that you were all on the right track when the family adopted their second child and you moved to become the active birthmother for both of the children when the second birthmother chose not to participate. In essence, you were becoming the "family birthmother", which allows both children the concrete experience of a relationship with a birthmother. That allows the parents to fill in the blanks with, "Your birthmother is a lot like your sister's birthmom. She loves you in the same way." Good instincts on your part to include both children.

I do not know why the parents have not responded in two years, but before you draw any firm conclusions, I recommend you make another attempt to re-open the lines of communication.

Write another letter and express to them that it has hurt you to suddenly not hear from them for two years. Indicate that it makes you worry that something might be going on with your son, particularly since he's entering those teenage years. You can reiterate that you always look forward to the letters and pictures and want to always maintain that connection.

I would also contact a social worker or counselor at the agency you worked with, apprise them of the situation and your feelings, and indicate that you are sending the letter to them. A social worker from the agency may be able to call the family for you. At this time, I would discourage you from writing your birthson directly as long as he is a minor unless you have his parents' permission to do so. I think it is a positive sign that they sent a letter and pictures to your parents last summer.

Good luck in re-establishing the contact.

Regards,
Kathleen

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Dear jgregory,

In adoption circles we always admire the courage birthparents have to place children for adoption. Open adoption has enabled birthparents to always know how the child is doing.

I believe that you were all on the right track when the family adopted their second child and you moved to become the active birthmother for both of the children when the second birthmother chose not to participate. In essence, you were becoming the "family birthmother", which allows both children the concrete experience of a relationship with a birthmother. That allows the parents to fill in the blanks with, "Your birthmother is a lot like your sister's birthmom. She loves you in the same way." Good instincts on your part to include both children.

I do not know why the parents have not responded in two years, but before you draw any firm conclusions, I recommend you make another attempt to re-open the lines of communication.

Write another letter and express to them that it has hurt you to suddenly not hear from them for two years. Indicate that it makes you worry that something might be going on with your son, particularly since he's entering those teenage years. You can reiterate that you always look forward to the letters and pictures and want to always maintain that connection.

I would also contact a social worker or counselor at the agency you worked with, apprise them of the situation and your feelings, and indicate that you are sending the letter to them. A social worker from the agency may be able to call the family for you. At this time, I would discourage you from writing your birthson directly as long as he is a minor unless you have his parents' permission to do so. I think it is a positive sign that they sent a letter and pictures to your parents last summer.

Good luck in re-establishing the contact.

Regards,
Kathleen

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