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I am concerned about two topics. Our daughter is 11 months old now. Her birthparents have been coming to visit her every month since she was born. When our daughter was born her birthparents wanted us to sign a visitation agreement but we told them we could not do that since we didn't know how we would feel down the road but verbally agreed to let them visit our daughter every month (however we did say we were not sure about this much contact after the first year). We just recently told them that we would prefer changing our contact to every three months (as well as really frequent e-mails...as usual). I wonder how much contact is too much and does it seem reasonable to cut our contact down to every three months? They resonded to our request by asking if they could come every other month. We just feel like our family needs some space. When they come they just want to sit and hold her instead of normalizing our relationship...which brings me to my second question. They have hidden their entire pregnancy from family and friends (she really didn't even show). They have recently told us that they plan to keep our daughters existence a secret which concerns us a great deal. They want openess themselves but keeping her existence a secret from eveyone else makes us worried that our daughter might feel a sense of shame when she realizes this. Do you have any advice that we can best deal with this and some insight as to why her birthparents would want to do this?

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Originally Posted By KSilber

Dear Winter,

How nice for you, your daughter and her birthparents to have such an open relationship. It sounds as though you are all off to a good start for a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship.

Visiting with a child’s birthparents every month is not an unusual arrangement during the first year. Some families maintain this level of contact throughout the child’s life, but more often the frequency diminishes somewhat.

I think visiting every 2-3 months is reasonable. Since you suggested every three months, and the birthparents requested every other month, you might want to get together every other month for the next six months, and then switch to four times a year.

Regarding the birthparents’ secrecy about your daughter, this, too, is not unusual. It is important that, as your daughter grows up, you help her understand that their secrecy is not about her but about their family. Also, continue to mention to the birthparents on occasion that you think it would be good to tell their family. We have worked with many birthparents who are fearful of telling their families, but everything turns out fine when they do. Some even tell their families many years after the adoption takes place. Your gentle encouragement may help them find the courage to do so someday.

Best wishes to all of you.

Regards,
Kathleen