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I am a 37 y/o part time grad student who found herself pregnant and poor with no support from birthfather. My sister and brother in law had been desparatly wanting to be parents and couldn't get pregnant.

when I found out I was pregnant I was in a panic I first thought how can I take care of a baby with student loans up to my ears and no reliable(worse than reliable, adult child of alcoholic and a daughter who is twelve that he has no contact with)husband or partner? I immediarly thought of my sister who has been unable to concieve and had been trying for seven years. I needed to make a decision and found I could not terminate an unwanted pregnancy given the circumstances. I was not thinking of myself but of the child and my sisters desire to be a parent. I felt I had no acceptable alternative but to adopt the baby to my sister.
They were at a stage where they could't get pregnant but her husband kept saying don't worry honey I'll get you pregnant year after year and still no luck. I knew it was going to be very very painful and difficult but somehow I thought that at least if the baby were in the family i would have an opportunity to be a part of its life.

I was very open with them I told them how I was going to need some backup support in case I couldn't work because I literally was living on the edge with a part time job, grad school and trying to support myself alone. In addition my insurance i was paying for because my job didn't provide it with me working only part time.So I applied for the first steps state aid program because my policy didn't have a maternity benefit. They said they didn't have enough resources to provide for me and the baby when it came but I said I couldn't go through the experience with out alot of support both emotionally and possible financially. At least when I had to have the baby and recover I would be totally with out an income. I insisted they talk to an adoption counselor. When they found out that there were people waiting in line 100 deep for a baby to adopt and that my request was more than reasonable they softened alittle but had the fear somehow I might take advantage oof them.

My sister said she and her husband wanted me to be as much a part of the babies life as I wanted as long as I didn't interfere with their parenting the baby. They had very little time for me and my parents ended up being my primary source of support. Even when I couldn't even tie my own shoes and had to struggle every day to commute to work, take care of my home, and parrots. It was so hard to be alone and struggling knowing that the worst was yet to come.
When I was about 8.5 months along I cried night after night knowing soon i would be seperated from my baby. The thought of giving birth brought mixed emotions. This represented the time that my baby would be removed from me. when she was born I felt a feeling that was so over whelming I felt an overwhelming connection to her that she was real and alive and thank god healthy! My sister was there she cut the cord and I had asked in advance to be able to stay the night alone there with the baby. I felt I needed some time with her where I was her mother. We took the baby home to my parents home and then 3 days later she was taken to her home.

As soon as they had her home they didn't want me around her. When I came back from a short trip they told me they had been advised that I should not see the baby at all for the first six months and then they should only be supervised and never should I be left alone with the baby. This was such a horrible shock. I was ok to struggle alone while I was pregnant but once they had what they wanted out of me I wasn't even trusted to be alone with the baby??!! At that point my already ragged self came unraveled. I felt used, betrayed and overwhelmed with grief over the loss of my daughter. My parents had felt this tack was not needed and was horribly cruel to me given they had watched me struggle through alone and helped me along the way.

Now after 2 months of pleading my sister and her husband have agreed to family counseling. My brother in law told me at the first one that I wasn't welcome in their house because he felt I hadn't done enought to seperate from the baby and he even felt I had got pregnant on purpose so I could manipulate him into taking care of my baby. He wanted me to never forget that he didn';t need ababy the baby needed a parent. I asked why he never said anything before she was born and he said he did't want to upset "the" pregnancy. God!! I was shocked. He said he felt he would lose his marraige if he didn't agree to the adoption and was angry hostile and downright mean to me. I don't understand how he felt at the most fragile moment in my life that I could take this too.

I ended up in the hospital for depression about a week later unable to eat or care for myself. This was last month. Now I am seeing counseling every week( I have been since I was 4 months pregnant.) but am really trying to find a place that I belong. How do I deal with these strong feelings of connection with my daughter. I feel like such an outcast. Like I'm not a mother but I feel like I am on some level. I can't make this go away like my sister and brother in law would like. When I see her I enjoy seeing what a beautiful smart baby she is and I do enjoy seeing her. But when I leave I spend several days in pain and feel so desperatly alone and lost without her. Im sorry this is so long but this is my only connection to other people that are going through something similar I really believe that no one else can relate. Please any advise from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

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Originally Posted By KSilber

Dear Wmanning,

It sounds as though this is a very difficult and stressful time for your entire family, and particularly for you. Adoption is an emotionally difficult process and can sometimes feel overwhelming.

Our Center advocates professional counseling and education before the adoption, preferably while the birthmother is pregnant. We have seen many, many kinship adoptions, such as this one, work out beautifully, but it is important for everyone to discuss how they feel about the new relationships adoption creates. We always recommend a written open adoption agreement be made before the adoption so that these new relationships and boundaries are clear.

Unfortunately, the problems you describe reflect the absence of such important support and preparation before the adoption.

I encourage you to continue with the counseling and to continue family counseling with your sister and brother-in-law. It is important that you all work out your relationship with your birthdaughter together. Find a counselor who specializes in adoption issues, and work out a written open adoption agreement. This agreement will clarify all of your relationships to each other and to your birthdaughter, including how often you visit, what kind of contact you have, etc.

It sounds as though your birthdaughter’s parents have some fears about adoption, including fears about contact between you and your birthdaughter. It is normal for adoptive parents to initially feel threatened and fearful about open adoption, but this contact will be beneficial to their daughter as she grows up.

I encourage your sister and brother-in-law to learn as much as they can about open adoption. There may be some half-day or one-day workshops on adoption in your area. Perhaps they can attend a meeting of an adult adoptees support group, such as the Adoptee Liberty Movement Association (ALMA) and learn about some of the difficult issues adult adoptees face, particularly those who do not know their birthparents.

They may also want to read some books about open adoption. My book, "Children of Open Adoption", examines the experience of many children in open adoptions, from infancy to adolescence. "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia might also be helpful. Tapestry Books offers a free adoption book catalog, 1-800-765-2367, with many good resources. I encourage you to help your sister and brother-in-law learn more about open adoption so they will feel more comfortable with it.

Best wishes as you and your family work through these difficult issues.

Regards,
Kathleen