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I had recently given up my son for adoption. I found out too late that I was pregnant and the timing is just quite not right. I chose not to see him when I gave birth.. Believe me I wanted to but decided against it bec. I might fall in love with him. It would be unfair to him if I decided to keep him for all the wrong reasons... Anyways, it has been almost 2 months since he was born and I want to know if I should contact the adoptive parents first or should I wait until they get settled with him? Does the openness of the adoption depends on the adoptive parents or to me? Please advise... Thanx...

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Originally Posted By KSilber

Dear ZeeLady,

It is difficult to answer your question without knowing many specifics about your adoption arrangement. Did you meet the adoptive parents before placing your son with them? Was an open adoption agreement worked out, specifying the type and frequency of contact? If you would like to post back some additional information, we will be happy to give you some more specific suggestions.

However, as strong advocates of open adoption, we encourage contact between a child and his birthparents whenever possible. If the adoption was arranged through an agency or facilitator providing open adoptions, and counseling and education regarding open adoption were provided to the adoptive parents, then they will likely be receptive to contact from you. On the other hand, if openness in the adoption was not discussed before your birthson was born, the adoptive parents may feel threatened by contact from you right now.

If you did not participate in an open adoption, I would suggest that you call your adoption provider to see if they can help you arrange contact with your birthson’s parents. Or, you could initiate a meeting or phone call by sending them a book about open adoption along with a note from you expressing your desire to have contact with your birthson.

Some books that might be helpful include "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia and my book, "Children of Open Adoption", which describes the experiences of children in open adoption from infancy to adolescence. Some books are available on this web site (by clicking on the word "SHOP" at the top of a page), or a free adoption book catalog is available at www.tapestrybooks.com.

Best wishes as you pursue a relationship with your birthson and his parents.

Regards,
Kathleen

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Hi! Thanks for your advise. I did meet with the adoptive parents before I had my son (or rather "their" son). They called me a few times before he was born. We both had attys. working for us throughout the process and we dealt with an adoption agency. It is an open adoption for all I know. They asked me and the birthfather what conditions we wanted and we told them that we wanted pictures sent to us during holidays and birthdays. I wanted to send some things for him and I wrote to the agency and was told that I should send it to her and she will then forward the package to them (Iasked for the address). The openness of the adoption wasn't really fully explained to me during the process. I only found out that I can have frequent contact with him and the family thought this website. My boyfriend (the birthfather) does have their pager number but he told me not to contact them yet - that it is too soon. He said that we will contact them in 6 months to see how he's doing. I think that they really shouldn't feel threatened by me bec. the papers had been signed and they know that I only want what's best for him thus giving him up for adoption. I am really confused.....

[Archive]

Originally Posted By KSilber

Dear ZeeLady,

We appreciate the additional details you’ve offered about your birthson’s adoption. It sounds as though there is some openness in your adoption arrangement; we would describe this as a semi-open adoption because your contact with the adoptive family is facilitated through the agency.

I think it is a good idea to contact your birthson’s parents. Since you chose not to see your birthson when he was born, his parents may be unsure whether you want contact now. They are likely waiting for cues from you regarding what kind of contact you would like.

I suggest that you write a letter to your birthson’s parents, first reassuring them that you are still confident of your decision to place him with them through adoption and then sharing with them what kind of contact you would like to have now. Perhaps you would like to exchange letters and photos or phone calls and visits. You could also ask in your letter if it would be okay to call their pager.

Best wishes as your relationship evolves.

Regards,
Kathleen