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We adopted a baby through a semi-open adoption process about a year ago. (We have the birth mother's full name and address, she knows only our first names and generally where we live, and our unlisted 800 phone no.) We have been in frequent contact since then, with phone calls at least once a month. At first she was very distressed after the adoption, and required counseling for quite a few months (which we paid for.) More recently, she has seemed much happier, with a new job, a new boyfriend, and more sustained inner acceptance of the adoption.

She has always said she wanted to see the baby again, which we completely understand. We are planning a trip to visit her next month. This is totally our choice; there was nothing in the contract or even verbally, preaddoption, committing us to this, but we thought it would be better for the baby as he grew up to occasionally meet his birth mom, over the years, so it is not so traumatic for him later if he so chooses to see her. We will also be seeing her mom, sisters, and her kids (his birth siblings) as well. Any suggestions for those who have been through such an experience towards making sure it's successful and happy for all those involved? Any ground rules? Any suggestions of whether there's a period in his life, a certain age perhaps, where these sorts of visits would not be such a good idea?

Any advice would be appreciated.

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Originally Posted By KSilber

Dear Leonie,

It sounds as if you have very good instincts regarding your son’s adoption and truly have his best interests in mind. However, you also seem to have some concerns about open adoption, which is not unusual for adoptive parents who are getting comfortable with the concept. I assume there was not much education about open adoption available to you before your son joined your family. In counseling-based adoption programs, such as ours, education about open adoption and the relationships involved is provided pre-adoption as part of the adoption process. I feel that the more you learn about the benefits of openness for your son, the more you will feel comfortable with, and even enjoy, a relationship with his birthmother.

I'm stressing this point because I think the cues you give to your son, both verbal and non-verbal, influence how he will feel about being adopted and about his birthmother. If you are very comfortable with his birthmother, he will also feel at ease. Your desire to do what is in your son’s best interest is exactly the right approach.

As a strong proponent of open adoption, I encourage people to maintain contact with their baby's birthparents. Young children do not understand abstract concepts. The words "adoption" and "birthparents" are abstract. Anything parents can do to make these concepts "real" (concrete vs. abstract) helps. So, if the birthmother is someone whom you visit a couple of times a year, she is a concrete presence in the child's life and, therefore, easier for him to understand.

I would encourage you to learn as much as you can about open adoption. If there are adoption workshops going on in your area, you may want to attend one of those. RESOLVE, a national organization for people dealing with infertility, probably has a chapter in your area and they may be able to give you information about adoption workshops coming up. Chapter phone numbers are available at their web site, www.resolve.org.

Reading books about open adoption would also be helpful in understanding open adoption. My book, "Children of Open Adoption", addresses many of your questions regarding your son’s relationship with his birthmother. For information about other adoption books, click on "SHOP" on this web site or call Tapestry Book at 800-765-2367 for a free adoption book catalog.

Best wishes as you pursue a new level of openness in your son’s adoption.

Regards,
Kathleen

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