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Originally Posted By Holly

My husband and I are looking into adopting a baby from my friends daughter. The daughter desperately wants us to adopt and she decided this on her own, the problem is she does not want the father to know because she doesn't want to have any contact with him. She also doesn't want everyone to know because we live in the same town and she wants to go back to high school when this is all over. He doesn't live in our area and we are not sure where he is, but he does have friends and family here. I'm very torn on what to do because I want the baby badly but my husband is against not notifing the father and I agree that he needs to be notified. I'm wondering what will happen if he makes it very difficult to adopt. If he doesn't let us adopt the girl has made it clear that she'll have to keep the baby because she will not let him have it and that is not what she wants to do, because she has goals in life and at the present time it does not include a child. I'm just heart broken for her and myself of course if this does not go through. We don't have a whole lot of time because she is due on May 23, 1999. Please help me get the process moving along quicker. We do have a lawyer but we haven't met with him yet, until next week. I can't stand not knowing where to start to move the process along.

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Originally Posted By KSilber

Dear Holly,

It sounds like you are in a very exciting, but possibly overwhelming, situation. You and your husband are legally correct in wanting to notify the birthfather; the birthfather has some legal rights, and if those rights are ignored, he could potentially come back and disrupt the adoption. If you handle the birthfather's rights with the correct legal procedures, then your child's adoption should be secure. The specific legal issues regarding birthfathers' right vary from state to state, so I would suggest that you consult your adoption provider regarding the laws in your state and proceed accordingly.

The fact that the birthmother is so anxious not to notify the birthfather suggests that some professional counseling regarding adoption would probably be helpful to her. In working with a counselor who is experienced in adoption issues, the birthmother may be able to feel more comfortable about the birthfather being informed of the adoption plan. Even if the birthfather is resistant initially, he could end up supporting the adoption.

The birthmother does not need to be involved in notifying the birthfather. The adoption facilitator or attorney with whom you are working can handle it and in a confidential manner. I understand your concern about other people in your town knowing about the adoption, but the entire adoption proceedings can be handled as confidentially as possible.

Best wishes as you pursue this adoption plan.

Regards,
Kathleen

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