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I recently (3 months ago) adopted a 5 month old baby boy and his 2 1/2 year old brother. Their birthmother calls about once a week since the adoption and we have agreed to send pictures and letters on a monthly basis. My concern is two fold - I'm concerned that my 2 1/2 year old is too young to understand the whole adoption thing and speaking with her weekly may confuse him - or cause him problems. At this point, he doesn't know who she is when they talk, but that will change as he gets older. My second concern is that she basically has no interest in the 5 month old - she didn't have much time to bond with him and so feels the loss of the older child much more. I personally do not like her calls, but I want to do what is in the best interest of these beautiful little boys. My husband and his family are opposed to phone calls at all. He was adopted as were his two sisters - all from different birth families and all with closed adoptions. What do you recommend for children this young? Should I speak to her only or should I let the older boy speak to her as well? Thank you -

Tracy

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Originally Posted By KSilber

Dear Tracy,

You seem to have some reservations about open adoption, which is not unusual for adoptive parents who are getting comfortable with the concept. In counseling-based adoption programs (which include educational workshops on open adoption), families fears often subside before the baby arrives. Thus, I feel that the more you learn about the benefits of openness for your children, you will most likely feel more comfortable, and even enjoy, a relationship with their birthmother.

I'm stressing this point because I feel the cues you give to your children, both verbal and non-verbal, influence how they feel about being adopted and how they feel about their birthmother. If you are very comfortable with their adoption they will also feel at ease. Your feeling that you want to do what is in the best interest of these beautiful little boys is exactly the right approach.

Your sons' birthmother is probably calling frequently now because her grief is still very fresh. I would encourage you to go with it for now, because you can expect that after the first nine months or a year she will not need such frequent contact. However, at that time I would encourage you to be in touch with her in other ways. You mentioned that you are sending her pictures and letters once a month; perhaps the older boy could draw pictures to send to her periodically. Occasional visits are also very helpful to young children. Seeing birthmom, having face-to-face interaction with her, will make her real for them and while not compromising your status as THE mom and dad.

Regarding the birthmother's different level of interest in the two boys -- I think this is normal. She is actively grieving for them right now, and it is natural that she would grieve more intensely for the older child, who she parented for some time. Knowing that her birthsons are safe and happy will help her heal, and talking to your 2-1/2-year-old on the phone probably gives her some of the reassurance she needs. It's okay if he doesn't fully understand who is on the telephone. He will begin to understand it more as he gets older. And once again, this level of openness does not compromise your status as the parents.

Some books that might be helpful include "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia and my book, "Children of Open Adoption", which describes the experiences of children in open adoption from infancy to adolescence. Some books are available on this web site (by clicking on the word "SHOP" at the top of a page), or a free adoption book catalog is available at www.tapestrybooks.com.

Best wishes as your open adoption takes shape.

Regards,
Kathleen

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Dear Tracy,

You seem to have some reservations about open adoption, which is not unusual for adoptive parents who are getting comfortable with the concept. In counseling-based adoption programs (which include educational workshops on open adoption), families fears often subside before the baby arrives. Thus, I feel that the more you learn about the benefits of openness for your children, you will most likely feel more comfortable, and even enjoy, a relationship with their birthmother.

I'm stressing this point because I feel the cues you give to your children, both verbal and non-verbal, influence how they feel about being adopted and how they feel about their birthmother. If you are very comfortable with their adoption they will also feel at ease. Your feeling that you want to do what is in the best interest of these beautiful little boys is exactly the right approach.

Your sons' birthmother is probably calling frequently now because her grief is still very fresh. I would encourage you to go with it for now, because you can expect that after the first nine months or a year she will not need such frequent contact. However, at that time I would encourage you to be in touch with her in other ways. You mentioned that you are sending her pictures and letters once a month; perhaps the older boy could draw pictures to send to her periodically. Occasional visits are also very helpful to young children. Seeing birthmom, having face-to-face interaction with her, will make her real for them and while not compromising your status as THE mom and dad.

Regarding the birthmother's different level of interest in the two boys -- I think this is normal. She is actively grieving for them right now, and it is natural that she would grieve more intensely for the older child, who she parented for some time. Knowing that her birthsons are safe and happy will help her heal, and talking to your 2-1/2-year-old on the phone probably gives her some of the reassurance she needs. It's okay if he doesn't fully understand who is on the telephone. He will begin to understand it more as he gets older. And once again, this level of openness does not compromise your status as the parents.

Some books that might be helpful include "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia and my book, "Children of Open Adoption", which describes the experiences of children in open adoption from infancy to adolescence. Some books are available on this web site (by clicking on the word "SHOP" at the top of a page), or a free adoption book catalog is available at www.tapestrybooks.com.

Best wishes as your open adoption takes shape.

Regards,
Kathleen

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