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Old 12-30-2010, 10:33 AM
angel2bmom angel2bmom is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
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open adoption questions

:love: Hi everyone, I am new to this forum and was previously on the infertility forums. I love this site because you get all diffent views form birthmom, AP, and adoptees. If any of you can give me view points from all aspects I would greatly appreciate it. A little about me is that myself and DH have unexplained IF and just adopted our DD this year. We adopted her at birth and she is now 6 months old. We have an open adoption with the BF and so far it is working out great. They are a fabulous family. BF comes and visits about once a month. This christmas was about once a week and I"m sure the holidays are hard for birthmom's. I was just wondering any of you who have an open adoption and have had one for a long time, how is it after so many months/years?

1- How often does BF see child?
2- How does child view birthmom or BF?
3- Do they have a good relationship?
4- Does the child go on outings with BF without you or DH?
5- How does child feel about being adopted and having and open relationship with BF?
6- Does the child want an open adoption with BF?
7- Has the child ever wanted to live with BF?
8- Has child ever been upset about birthmom making an adoption plan for him/her?
9- Has an open relationship with child and BF effected the child in any way as an adult?
10- Is everyone truly happy with the decision of open adoption.

I appreciate any comments or answers anyone has. This is very scary to us and just want the best for our DD. We have so many people against it and saying that it is going to confuse her and screw her up emotionally. I want to not believe what they think. Everyone that my mom and dad has talk to that has a closed adoption with their BF said they would have never wanted and OA with the BF. I just don't know what to think. We never planned on completely OA but agency really encourages it and it's working so far. I just want to prove to negative people that it can work out! Thanks again.
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Old 01-12-2011, 10:34 PM
rredhead's Avatar
rredhead rredhead is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 746
Total Points: 20,583.60
Originally Posted by angel2bmom
I was just wondering any of you who have an open adoption and have had one for a long time, how is it after so many months/years?

You'll find that "open adoption" is a very broad term. If you check out the blog Production, Not Reproduction, you'll find a list of wonderful blogs about open adoption. Hopefully, some of them might help.

My son is almost 5 and we adopted him when he was 3 days old. We live in CA and his birthmom lives in MO. We haven't seen her since Jack was 6 months old and we had to go back to MO for finalization.

Jack knows that S is his birthmother, that he grew in her belly, that she, not I, was pregnant with him. They don't have a relationship really. He talks to her on the phone if she calls when he's awake or vice versa.

We don't have any contact with Jack's birthfather, by the b-father's choice. Jack would like to know him. So would we, actually.

From Jack's pov, the open relationship is a good one, because he can have his questions answered. He found out that the quality of one's teeth is genetic, so we called his birth grandmother and asked her how everyone's teeth were. He does get sad that he doesn't live with his siblings (he has half-siblings whom his b-mom parents), but overall is happy with being adopted. As I said, he's only 5, so I expect lots of ups and downs. He's just recently realized that adoption means that he did lose some family when he gained our family.

A friend of mine wrote that open adoption isn't about what's easy for the adoptive parents, it's about what's best for the child. I do believe that having contact with S is in Jack's best interest.

Hope this helps!

mom to Jackson, b. 17 January 2006
mom to Cassandra, b. 25 October 2011
private, domestic, open adoptions
Antioch, CA

Child #1: Is that your mother?
Child #2: Yes.
Child #1: Why is she white and you are black?
Child #2: Because I am adopted, and black people have more melanin than white people do.
Child #1: Oh, let's go on the high bars.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:12 PM
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PRAISEMom PRAISEMom is offline
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Check out this other thread

You might want to read the thread with the title, "Normal behavior for birth mom," which I started several years ago. Our adopted daughter is five now, and while it hasn't always been easy, it's been good.

Others have posted about their experiences, and offered some wonderful advice about boundaries. Best of luck to you!
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