[hopingforachild]

We have just been matched (I would put a goofy smiley face here, but I don't know how) and have a lengthy 6 month wait. I was wondering about your opinions on asking bmom to complete a journal.

Does this just facilitate a much stronger attachment to the unborn baby? (She is already parenting several children and does not feel she is able to parent another child.)

Does anyone know of a very basic one or even one geared to bmom's pursuing an adoption plan?

[crick]

Well, her time is likely very limited in general since she has kids, so that might not be something she has time for?

My other thought is simply that it is her time with the baby and however she chooses to experience her pregnancy is really her own. I know you are excited, but I think this is truly her time and baby right now, so to me there's a kind of boundary line.

If you are involved at all with dr's visits or etc., maybe you could make your own journal about things? Or maybe ask if you could have copies of the ultrasound etc. to add to your journal?

Your journal of "While we were waiting for you" is a very important story to share with your child too...they'll cherish that when older.

Hopefully some experienced OA moms have suggestions!

[susie_book]

As a bmom, I would have been horrified if my son's parents had asked me to do something like this. I wanted them to plan on his becoming theirs, but while I was pregnant, he was mine--and asking me to journal for them would have been waaay overstepping their bounds. Don't get me wrong, I'm really close to his parents and totally love them, but in my opinion it's really inappropriate, however well-intended. Also, any journaling that I did would have had a lot of anger and grief--that may not be something you want to share with your child, at least not in such a raw form.

[Emberbit]

Originally Posted by susie_book

As a bmom, I would have been horrified if my son's parents had asked me to do something like this. I wanted them to plan on his becoming theirs, but while I was pregnant, he was mine--and asking me to journal for them would have been waaay overstepping their bounds. Don't get me wrong, I'm really close to his parents and totally love them, but in my opinion it's really inappropriate, however well-intended. Also, any journaling that I did would have had a lot of anger and grief--that may not be something you want to share with your child, at least not in such a raw form.

I absolutely agree with you. I kept a journal and I don't plan on baby's mom ever seeing it (though baby might one day) becasue I think it would make her feel horrible and it's very personal to me.

If she had asked me to keep a pregnancy journal, I would have given her a flat out "no" and I wouldn't have been very nice about it either. Baby's parents are amazing, they attended prenatal appointments and such even, but that would have crossed a major line for me. It was VERY important to me that the a-parents respected the pregnancy as mine (my decisions and mine to experience) because after TPR, the parenting is theirs. We have visits but I won't get to experince parenting Baby and making those decisions because I'm not the parent.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by Emberbit

If she had asked me to keep a pregnancy journal, I would have given her a flat out "no" and I wouldn't have been very nice about it either.

I would *like* to think that I would have been this firm, but I'm afraid there's a part of me that would have agreed, because I would have been afraid to start the relationship off on a bad foot.

Having said that - the pregnancy was mine - my experiences and my memories that I hope to be able to share with Cupcake on my own time. It's perhaps the only time that it will ever be just the two of us - the only memories that I don't have to share with someone else.

I imagine I would have had immeasurable regret had I shared those moments.....sometimes as an emom, before placement, before you say goodbye, you don't realize how precious they are (please note, I said "sometimes" - I think there are parts of the pregnancy experience I took for granted as I was so swept up in the crisis, fear, etc. That's just ME though)...looking back today, they're the most special memories of my life, and I'm thankful that I didn't share them so openly.

[hopingforachild]

Thanks for all your input. I was thinking of a journal with just the basics of the pregnancy, such as such as information from Dr. visits, etc. However, since this drew such a strong response I will drop the idea completely.
Thanks again, it is a real eye opener to see how things can be perceived so differently than intended.

[lahdh4]

A journal in itself is wonderful.
However, if asked to give them a pregnancy journal, heck no. They all ready received all that information so they know how the pregnancy went. This journal I keep for Supergirl is just that. For Supergirl to be given to her from me years down the road.
Plus if she all ready has children at home she may not be able to find time to really write anything in it and then it could come across as cold and impersonal which is not what you are looking for, I believe.
Good luck

[rredhead]

The state that S lived in provided a basic pregnancy info book, which she filled out and gave to us. We didn't know anything about it, though we're very happy to have it.
I would ask for copies of ultrasounds. I don't think that's an unreasonable request, as many pregnant women share those with pretty much everyone they know. (Or maybe that's just my sister and friends? :P)
S also wrote letters for us and for DS. I haven't opened the one that's just for him. I don't feel quite right doing that. You might ask her if she could do that. Maybe write a letter to the baby to tell the baby anything she would like the baby to know.
We did give S a journal as part of a "hospital bag" that contained some beauty stuff, a pair of slipper socks, and some toiletries.
Hope this helps!

[jp4ga]

As an adoptive mom I kept a "while waiting for you journal" as another poster suggested. I think that this journal will be valuable to my daughter when she is older. One thing I have learned on this board is that bmom/emoms/firstmom's need and deserve privacy during this difficult time. I am not a bmom and I would be horrified if someone read my journal.

If you do get the chance to attend medical appointments, add notes about the appointment to your journal. After you talk to the emom, write a brief descritpion of the conversation. These will be chersihed by the child later in life.

[belleinblue1978]

The letter is a great idea, but don't expect it right away. I write letters to my son all the time, but I haven't written any one letter that imparts all of my knowledge about my family.

As for THE letter, I haven't written it, but when I do, I'll hold onto a copy for him and my attorney will have the other.

Pregnancy and birth are the only thing that most first moms get that are theirs alone, we shouldn't be forced to share it with the rest of the planet (which is how it feels, and I know that aparents share ultrasound pictures and stories and stuff before baby is born about emoms) just because of an adoption plan.

[Gwen72]

I placed a son for adoption in 1991. I was in a very bad situation and full of anger and depression. I could not have written a journal that could have been shared with anyone else. Fast forward 17 years. While my DH and I were waiting to adopt I kept a journal. I started it the day we went to the informational seminar at the adoption agency. I plan to keep the journal going until he is grown. I would suggest you keep your own journal of this time in your lives. Congratulations on your match and Good Luck!

[dklevy]

I kept a small journal when I was pregnant. I don't think it would have bothered me if they had asked. But I didn't view her as my baby from the time I chose adoption. She was "our" baby from that point forward. I might suggest feeling her out. See how she's thinking about the pregnancy and the baby. I have a long-standing philosophy that if you continually think about doing something even after you tell yourself you shouldn't - well that just means you should do it. If that's how you find yourself feeling then maybe you should bring it up with her. Just do it gently.