[peanutsrus]

I am not sure if this is the right spot for this question, but as I am fairly new to the adoption scene and have been working w/ the foster system for 3 years my information is limited. I have also contacted a non-profit agency to look into adopting through them. My question is about what an open adoption actually looks like? From my limited knowledge, what we were told, and watching other adopt through the foster system my DH and I have been kind of scared of an OA. I would like to hear from real people that are living an OA so I would have a much more detailed and realistic view. I welcome any information. I hope to not sound like I don't think it is a good idea because that is not my belief I am just confused on how it actually works and would like to be educated. By the way I liked the comment about adoptive parents being educated w/ the first parents got counseling because it seems like both parties need educated and counseling.

[Mommy24]

Bumping for responses!

[crick]

It's a great topic to discuss and hopefully you'll get more responses soon.

I will say that OA in adoptions from foster care are a completely different situation than an OA where a bmom voluntarily makes an adoption plan and is not a threat to her child. Most kids are in foster care not because their bparents make a plan for them but because there's a danger to the child in some way.

I think overall, OA's do not work in foster care adoptions due to the reasons of kids being removed from care. That isn't to say in certain situations, some kind of contact can be had, letters/updates etc, but a true OA...I'm of the opinion that it is not in the best interests of the child at all. (obviously there are cases where it could be a possibility depending on the history, but I'm speaking in general terms. And even in those cases, I still believe there's a huge difference with an OA with a voluntary placement)

If you adopt a child that is not from the foster care system, then the process of OA is something to really consider and hopefully the people who have them will post.

[Stormster]

I have found from being on this site that there is no one way to have an open adoption. There can be many reasons. Geographical distance, other reasons one or the other parents arent' comfortable with visits, some people define just sending pics and letters as open whereas others consider that semi-open.

There are very open adoptions with lots of visits and direct communication between the birth parent and the child.

There are adoptions that evolve over time, like ours will, because of the life situations of the birth parents and because everyone kind of wanted to go with the flow.

I REALLY think open adoptions should be carefully defined. I see the pain of some of the birth mothers on this board, as well as the disappointment among adoptive parents who had hoped for more contact.

My fear is my son absorbing that his birth parents are a true part of his family and then have them disappear or disappear and return.

There is an answer but I don't think it's been formally outlined anywhere. You may want to draw something up and go over it with a social worker, friends, family or others on this site.

It is a real tragedy when one party thinks it means one thing and to the other it means something totally different. It can be a real nightmare so I do suggest outlining what it means to you after doing your research, discussing it with the EM and sticking to whatever is decided.

I think it is fair to have conditions. But I don't think it's fair to spring conditions on the birth parent mid stream...Good luck!

[blessedbybug]

TO me, open adoption is first and foremost a relationship. ANd a family relationship on top of that. And to me (I put that in there because this is my opinion and I know there might be lots who disagree) that means that it is a relationship that is harder to get out of. Some people see it as a friendship but there is no way I could work this hard at a relationship if it was just a friendship. I view it as a family bond, one not easily broken.

That said, like any relationship, the health of it depends on how much mutual effort is put into it. I cannot express the MUTUAL part enough. And with any relationship it will only thrive and grow with honest communication, which includes truth telling with love. It also includes a grace that allows the other person to be who they are in the point in their life that they find each other.

What makes an open adoption relationship unique from any other relationship is that everything that is done/said should be done/said with consideration for the child who is common to the relationship.



We entered into both our adoption placements committed to be in and growing a relationship with the other families of our kids. For an adoption to be truly open, I believe there needs to be mutual sharing of information and face to face contact, that both families are on an even playing field and have the chance to meet and talk in person. In both our situations, we've ended up with semi-open, where we are doing all work of initiating contact and sending updates and especially in DD's situation, we get little to no feedback or seeming interest in working on the relationship mutually. And in that situation, all of our updates go through a mediary (not by oour choice) It is really hard. Things may be improving with DS's other Mom but we'll wait and see. We've been here before and it hasn't worked out, so we're going with it and hoping for the best.

We're committed to working to keep the door open for as long as we can (we keep our minumum commitment to send four updates a year with pictures and we keep them updated on our contact information so they can contact us when they want/can). But I've finally reached a place where I know that I can't keep the relationship working on behalf of both of us. I know that we wouldn't have any contact had I not worked so hard, but I also know that in order for this to work and be healthy for my kids, their other families are going to have to put in some effort. Otherwise, I only see disappointment in the future.

All that said, I believe in the value and possibility of openness. I do believe that each and every situation is unique because ultimately, it is a relationship. It's not easy, but we continue to hope it will be worth it in giving our kids everything they need to know who they are.

[loveajax]

Peanuts, there definitely needs to be a lot of education/counseling that I am not sure goes on a lot. I think our agency really dropped the ball there.

As others have said, it totally runs the gamut. I "thought" we had a fairly OA, but others may see it less so. I wouldn't worry so much about the "definition" as to what you can envision and "stick" to. Even then, it's really hard for me to imagine OA in the abstract; I think it is so dependent on the people/relationship involved.

I have plenty of a parent friends with closed adoption situations (sometimes at their choice, sometimes at the birth parents) and their kids seem to be doing just fine. My DH and his sibs also are adoptees from closed adoptions and they all have said that they think closed was what was best for them. So I don't think you are "dooming" any child you have if you decide on a closed adoption, though for us personally I like many aspects of having an OA. And while I think some view OA as "threatening," I personally have found myself more affirmed as my DD's mom if that makes sense (it's hard to explain). I feel really fortunate to have DD's birth parents in our and our DD's lives (though there have been some bumps along the way).

Someone has recommended to me a book about OA from Lois Melina...I haven't read it yet, but maybe that is a good resource as well as just "hanging around" here. Good luck!!

[Lilly's Mommy]

I second, third or fifth the statement that not every adoption can or should be an OA. If you are considering the possibility, I would definitely recommend some books to further the thought process. Some I found very helpful were:

The Open Adoption Experience (by Lois Melina)
Dear Birthmother, Thank You For Our Baby (cheesy title, but really looks at the "Birthmother Myths" that exist out there)
Adoption Without Fear (by James Gritter)

Our OA is quite open, but that is largely because we did "hit it off" with our daughter's birthmom. We talk on the phone every couple of weeks, and get together about every 6 weeks or so. It's not a "has to" situation at all. We just ended up liking each other. She in no way tries to be Lilly's mom, but is more like an aunt or special friend. She loves Lilly, but I'm mom.

I wholeheartedly agree with the advice of determining what you're comfortable with, committing to no more than that, and then letting things develop from there if desired. I think it was beneficial to have our facilitator walk us through a general outline for the first year, including what we all expected/wanted for visits, photos, special occasions, holidays, etc. That way we were all on the same page. We agreed that things may have to be adjusted based on either of our situations, but it did help lessen the initial stress to just know what we were shooting for.

Hope that helps answer your question...

[HBV]

Good advice from everyone so far.

Our OA is a lot more open than we thought we wanted going into it. My favorite analogy for it is that it's like getting in-laws. This little person that you love comes with some other family whose existence either is now or will someday be important to them. You find a way to get along for the sake of the child. Some inlaws are easier than others, and the same is true of birthfamilies. Sometimes it's necessary to set firm boundaries, sometimes it's not because everyone's respectful. They may be people you enjoy being around, or they may be people you have to struggle to find commonality with.

We've been lucky---H's families (ours is open on both bmom and bdad's side, with participation by extended family) are not too hard to get along with. They are probably not folks I would seek out for a friendship absent this relationship, but we have one overarching thing in common---we love H.

I can tell you the exact moment I knew we could manage an open relationship. I got to be in the delivery room when H was born. M, his bmom, was 19, scared to death, and is developmentally disabled. Her mother was holding her hand, helping her through the labor and all I could think of was wow---this must be so hard to go through this pain and know that at the end of it, you will not be bringing a baby home. You'll be sending him home w/ me and my husband, and you just met us last night. M's mom had tears streaming down her face and I saw how much she loved her daughter, and I just thought it would be wrong to deny H the opportunity to receive so much love.

I think that while open relationships are unique, the successful ones all have something in common----the parents (both birth and adoptive) put the child's interests before their own.

[calpal]

When we first started the adoption process we said we were not interested in open adoptions. Our lawyer and agency suggested that we read about it before we said no. What I read suggested it is better for the kids so we decided to go for it. We have open adoptions with both our children's birthfamilies and wouldn't have it any other way. Are there ups and downs, absolutely. I think any successful relationship takes work and open adoption is no exception. I can't tell you how much joy it brings us to see our kids play with their bio siblings, not to mention interact with their birthmoms! I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have if you want to private message me.

[ChristieS]

Peanuts, My situation is clearly not typical, but then again I'm not sure there is such a thing as a "typical" OA.

Please be aware of what has happened to me so as to protect yourself.

We adopted at birth. Birthmom withdrew two separate consents, then consented again with a legally enforceable visitation "Agreement." Birthmom was underage. She was therefore not held to the terms of the contract but we were.

She then used the contract to file numerous motions against us, to include: recission of the adoption, fraud, a dependency petition to have our child placed in foster care (she was in jail), etc. Ridiculous, slanderous, lying, libelous accusations which caused us more money than we gross in a year and has kept the adoption from being "permanent" for 6 years.

SHE did not show for the first visit - we DID - and she filed against us because the first visit did not occur. HUH???????????

She can STILL take us back to court on all of the above outstanding motions and any others she might be in the mood for. (Oh - and did I mention she gets free legal services?)

PLEASE - PLEASE - protect yourself from this sort of nightmare. Hearing the phone ring, walking to the mailbox, fearing every knock on my door -- it is so scary and painful I will NEVER be the same again.

In the beginning I was ALL FOR OA. I was the one who approached her about it and encouraged it.

This is *NOT* to discourage you. There are many successful open adoptions. But I also never want anyone to experience what I have gone through for the last six years.

Best wishes for you,

C

[rredhead]

Open adoptions are like snowflakes - no two are the same.
I was always for open adoption, and would do visits if they were feasible. Our son's bmom lives across the country, so we don't visit.
The hardest part for me has been watching S make bad choices again and again. I see what she is doing to her life, and to the life of the son she is parenting, and I just wish she would get help. I have given her resources, and she hasn't taken advantage of them. We helped her out with her rent one month, only to see her blow money on a new boyfriend. We have decided that we will no longer be helping her financially. We don't have that kind of money, and we don't want to be enablers.
Now, other than that, I'm very glad that we have a relationship with S. For her faults, she's also a very sweet person, who made a great choice for her son. We love her, and that's why it's so hard for us to see her in these situations.

Hope this helps!

[oceanica]

I am considering oa also and so I'm really happy to find this thread. Here are my thoughts and I hope you will be able to respond to them.

pros:
1. takes out the mystery and furious searching in the teenage or early adult years. bmom will be a known entity, not a big deal any more.
2. could make it quicker getting a baby.
3. might help bmom with the pain she will go through after giving up the baby.
4. The more people around to love the baby, the better imo.
cons:
1. I don't want to compete with her. I hope I'm mature enough not to run into that or thinking about it but sometimes I wonder.
2. Not sure I want her to be able to pop in at any time. Also, what if, after a period of time, she decides she wants to get the child back by illegal means or has other harmful ideas and now she knows where I live. I know this is probably highly unlikely - maybe I've watched too much tv.
3. what happens when the child says he doesn't want to take out the garbage and then you get "I hate you! I'm just going to go live with my REAL mom!" In fact the child could actually run away to go live with her. Hopefully someone I raise wouldn't do that but hey teenagers can be unpredictable.
4. could actually hurt bmom if she has difficulty letting go of the mom role and it continues to make her feel bad.

[JustPeachy]

As a bmom, I wanted to address the "cons" section. Note: I'm not in an OA (was not available at the time I placed), but have been in a Semi Open, which worked out beautifully in my situation. However, from what I do know about OA, here are my responses:

cons:

1. I don't want to compete with her. I hope I'm mature enough not to run into that or thinking about it but sometimes I wonder.

You will be the mom once TPR is signed. Although bmom will always be the child's firstmom, she will need to understand that she cannot "coparent" the child.

2. Not sure I want her to be able to pop in at any time. Also, what if, after a period of time, she decides she wants to get the child back by illegal means or has other harmful ideas and now she knows where I live. I know this is probably highly unlikely - maybe I've watched too much tv.

Your arrangement in OA can be any level of openness you both agree to. If you don't want the birthparents (mom or dad) "popping in" you can have an agreement that is very specific to this not happening. In fact, if I am not mistaken, you don't even have to disclose where you live at all. You can agree to meet x number of times a year at an undisclosed location. Perhaps those more familiar with OA can address this, but it was my understanding that you can do OA without even giving other idenitfying info, such as your last names. Or is this considered more "semi open?" It is a common fear/misperception that that the bmom will want the baby back, but personally, I've never heard of any cases of a bmom actually going out and attempting to kidnap the child. If she did anything like this, you would have legal recourse.

3. what happens when the child says he doesn't want to take out the garbage and then you get "I hate you! I'm just going to go live with my REAL mom!" In fact the child could actually run away to go live with her. Hopefully someone I raise wouldn't do that but hey teenagers can be unpredictable.

This could happen in any kind of adoption (closed/semi/open) or with bio kids ("I HATE YOU!! I'm going to live with Aunt Jane who is WAY cooler than YOU'LL EVER BE!!!!&%#$&!!!"). Legally, if the child was under 18, s/he couldn't go live with anyone else but you. After 18, any child (adopted/bio) could live wherever they wanted, but the odds that they would go to live with their birthparents are slim. Even if it did happen, the bmom would have to agree to it, and at 18 they are free to do what they want.

4. could actually hurt bmom if she has difficulty letting go of the mom role and it continues to make her feel bad.

You are not responsible for the bmom's feelings, ultimately. If it continued to make her feel bad to participate in the OA, she would have to make the decision to scale it back, perhaps, or get counseling to help her deal with it.

You could start out with a semi-open situation, or a "not super open" OA, and see how it goes from there. Once you develop a relationship, it may turn out that you want to increase the level of openness. Better to do it that way than go for a full-blow way open situation only to want to scale it down later.

Just MHO

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by oceanica

I am considering oa also and so I'm really happy to find this thread. Here are my thoughts and I hope you will be able to respond to them.

pros:
1. takes out the mystery and furious searching in the teenage or early adult years. bmom will be a known entity, not a big deal any more.
2. could make it quicker getting a baby.
3. might help bmom with the pain she will go through after giving up the baby.
4. The more people around to love the baby, the better imo.
cons:
1. I don't want to compete with her. I hope I'm mature enough not to run into that or thinking about it but sometimes I wonder.
2. Not sure I want her to be able to pop in at any time. Also, what if, after a period of time, she decides she wants to get the child back by illegal means or has other harmful ideas and now she knows where I live. I know this is probably highly unlikely - maybe I've watched too much tv.
3. what happens when the child says he doesn't want to take out the garbage and then you get "I hate you! I'm just going to go live with my REAL mom!" In fact the child could actually run away to go live with her. Hopefully someone I raise wouldn't do that but hey teenagers can be unpredictable.
4. could actually hurt bmom if she has difficulty letting go of the mom role and it continues to make her feel bad.

If I may respond to these....

Pro's
1. Just because bmom may be a known entity doesn't mean she won't be a "big deal."
2. Please don't enter into an open adoption just to get a placement more quickly. This must be something that you enter into because you truly feel it's what's best for your child. If you do it for any other reason it may have a harder time being successful, if you're not TRULY into it.
3. Bmoms experience different pain. There definitely is still pain in OA, but that's my pain to deal with and process. I don't put that on Cupcake's Mom at all.
4. I'm all with you on the love for the baby

Cons:
I have to say that some of the cons seem very much like stereotypes of downfalls of an OA...

1. It's not a competition. It's no coparenting. You'll be Mom and she'll be your child's birthmom.
2. In OA boundaries are set and birthmoms don't just pop in and out as they please. (At least none that I've heard about). And yes, it is possible that you've watched too much Lifetime, because birthparents truly do NOT just steal children like it's portrayed. Honestly. We don't.
3. No matter what, teenagers are going to be unpredictable and sometimes a huge pain. It's the nature of the beast. In any adoption the child can yell back, "You're not my REAL Mom" or something equally untrue and hurtful. In an OA, you can have the relationship with the birthmom where she will stand by you and say to the child, Your Mom is your Mom, and you need to follow her rules and live with her. You can present a united front.
4. Again, birthmom pain is not your responsibility. Open and closed adoptions each have their own challenges and pains involved. For me, every ounce of pain is well worth it when I receive a picture of Cupcake and can celebrate in the fact that I'm a part of her life.

Best of luck with you in whatever path you chose

[Oceans]

I assume you are just learning about OA. I unfortunately think that those who are very new to adoption or have never been involved with adoption have the same unfounded fears that you are feeling. That’s not a bad thing but the important thing here that you understand they are unfounded. If nothing else, you have control over most of it.

Regarding bmom’s continuously feeling bad, OA helping with healing, or bmoms inability to let go… My thoughts are that you should avoid assigning any “feelings” to any bmom/emom, especially when you have yet to meet her. Every situation is different. Most of these (or other such negative reactions) probably wont happen to the degree that it impacts you… If an OA is too much for an emom, it’s likely she wont agree to a wide open adoption. She will agree to what she can handle and then you can both adjust accordingly in the future. Regardless, her feelings are hers and while it's important to be compassionate, it's not your job to fix it.

Also kidnapping, harming or scoping out your house… I agree, avoid the Lifetime channel at all costs going forward. Not even close to reality when talking about bmom’s who made an adoption plan.

I would spend some time learning about the benefits of OA’s. You hit on the number one reason – Your child will know his history and be able to get questions answered first hand. He/She will always know that they were loved and not “given up”. The benefits of an OA really happen as the child gets older. You need to be committed to the concept now as a new mom in order to make it successful. Keep reading and asking questions then decide what is right for you. I agree with TG… Please do not agree to an OA if you continue to be uncomfortable with the concept OR can not get past your fears.

Best of luck to you…