[lahdh4]

pros:
1. takes out the mystery and furious searching in the teenage or early adult years. bmom will be a known entity, not a big deal any more.
may still be a big deal, you never know
2. could make it quicker getting a baby.
do not use this to get a child. The dangle a carrot to get the horse to move image is coming up and then you pull the carrot away. What then?
3. might help bmom with the pain she will go through after giving up the baby.
My pain is my pain and not for L to help me go through. Noone knows this pain.
4. The more people around to love the baby, the better imo.
Always a wonderful thing

cons:
1. I don't want to compete with her. I hope I'm mature enough not to run into that or thinking about it but sometimes I wonder.
I don't compete with L. She is Mom. No ifs ands or buts about that.
2. Not sure I want her to be able to pop in at any time. Also, what if, after a period of time, she decides she wants to get the child back by illegal means or has other harmful ideas and now she knows where I live. I know this is probably highly unlikely - maybe I've watched too much tv.
This is from tv. I cannot "pop" up when ever I want. I stick with the visits. You have more of a chance of an ex spouse taking the child then you do of a firstmom doing it.
3. what happens when the child says he doesn't want to take out the garbage and then you get "I hate you! I'm just going to go live with my REAL mom!" In fact the child could actually run away to go live with her. Hopefully someone I raise wouldn't do that but hey teenagers can be unpredictable.
If you have a good relationship with the firstmother then this won't happen. If Supergirl ever appeared at my door saying that she ran away. The first person I would call would be L. I remember yelling at my Mother that I was going to find my real family because there was noway I was related to them. I am not adopted, just said in the heat of the moment.
4. could actually hurt bmom if she has difficulty letting go of the mom role and it continues to make her feel bad.
I go through pain but when I see Supergirl and her pictures there is no pain. My pain is not for L to bear.

[Stormster]

If love, gratitude and respect = big deal then E's birthmother is a very very big deal to our family and I fully expect her to be a very very big deal to him.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by oceanica

I am considering oa also and so I'm really happy to find this thread. Here are my thoughts and I hope you will be able to respond to them.

pros:
1. takes out the mystery and furious searching in the teenage or early adult years. bmom will be a known entity, not a big deal any more.
2. could make it quicker getting a baby.
3. might help bmom with the pain she will go through after giving up the baby.
4. The more people around to love the baby, the better imo.
cons:
1. I don't want to compete with her. I hope I'm mature enough not to run into that or thinking about it but sometimes I wonder.
2. Not sure I want her to be able to pop in at any time. Also, what if, after a period of time, she decides she wants to get the child back by illegal means or has other harmful ideas and now she knows where I live. I know this is probably highly unlikely - maybe I've watched too much tv.
3. what happens when the child says he doesn't want to take out the garbage and then you get "I hate you! I'm just going to go live with my REAL mom!" In fact the child could actually run away to go live with her. Hopefully someone I raise wouldn't do that but hey teenagers can be unpredictable.
4. could actually hurt bmom if she has difficulty letting go of the mom role and it continues to make her feel bad.

Saw this last night. Came back this aft in the middle of craziness to respond with my thoughts. But I see some very wise women have already been here to offer their perspective and experience. As a Mom whose children are in open relationships with their other families, I agree. Read these posts over and over. Don't enter into an OA just to get a child. It is too d@ng hard and it is a lifetime commitment. Don't believe the rare news stories that stereotype women who place their children in another home. Always acknowledge their is loss in adoption, even if every fiber of your being begs you to forget. I hope that you research and then research some more before jumping in.

[oceanica]

Hey guys, thanks for all your comments... they are very helpful.
Just wanted to clarify that I didn't mean the bmom is not a big in and of herself... of course she's a vital piece in the whole situation. What I meant was that it won't become an all consuming search to find her at age 18. I know all adoptees want to know more about her, even if they don't go looking. If they already know who she is then she won't be some hidden person shrouded in mystery who they may feel they've been denied access to all these years.
And further, of course I won't understand the pain, nor can I, but I want to do whatever I can to minimize the trauma or to help.

[lahdh4]

As much as you would like to minimize the pain and trauma, you won't be able to. There may be things you can do to help but only the help of a trained professional and those who have been there can really help with the pain.
nothing against you. This is just what I have learned in therapy.

[Oceans]

I agree with Leigh... While it's nice that you want to minimize her pain, it will be what it will be.

The best thing that you can to do to minimize her trauma is understand what you can commit to in terms of an OA, discuss it with her prior to TPR and come to an agreement, then commit to your OA and terms with JOY...