[Oceans]

I wish I could wave my hand and make all adoptive parent guilt go away.

Unless of course you've done something post-adoption to feel guilty about LOL

But seriously, you were never part of the problem (unplanned and/or ill-timed pregnancy) nor were you part of the solution. Adoption was the solution - not you. You were just the best person to parent her baby when she couldn't. There's no guilt in that.

Let yourself off the hook for that one ((Hugs))

[Stormster]

I'm fairly flawless as a mom however so no guilt there

Oceans you rock

[taramayrn]

I think it's so important to remember in open adoption that bmom has her pain and her loss and while you need to be empathetic towards her and that, it's not your fault that she is hurting. The loss and gain can be seperate from the actual relationship, not adoption as a whole, but the relationship between the parents. Does that make sense?

[Stormster]

I understand. Thank you

[feelingreyt]

My question is this.....How can you tell if your child's first mom is feeling that loss? My ason's first mom does not seem that remorseful. She has said before that it is easier not to see him, but then again, alot of the time when she calls me, it seems like he is an after thought to whatever crisis she has going on at the time. Alot of time she doesn't even ask about him. She just wants something or needs a shoulder to cry on because her family has kicked her out. She is now, infact, talking about giving up her other children for adoption. I just sometimes wonder if not all first mom's feel that loss and remorse. I pray for her sake she doesn't. But at the same time, I do not want to diminish her pain. Does any of this make sense?

[paigeturner]

Not really. Why should I as a first mom feel remorse? For having sex? For not using the proper protection? For not having the courage to look at other options? Remorse? I don't get it.

There is a huge difference to feeling grief and loss to feeling remorse. I suffered my grief privately. I've held my pain privately. And I can guarantee you that if I'd had the option of an open adoption, his parents would have been the last people I would have shared my private grief with.

Remorse? Unless there was abuse or drug use and the child was removed from the situation, I don't get it.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by paigeturner

There is a huge difference to feeling grief and loss to feeling remorse. I suffered my grief privately. I've held my pain privately. And I can guarantee you that if I'd had the option of an open adoption, his parents would have been the last people I would have shared my private grief with.

Yes. A's Mom was at one point curious about why I expressed no feelings of loss to her at our first meeting. A lot of reasons. Because I'm "strong and independent" and I think that's a better way for her to see me. I don't think me appearing needy and in pain would really help to establish a relationship with her. Her job is to be my daughters Mother, not my mother.

On here I am more open about pain/grief (but even here I don't talk about it a great deal) but in my personal life I keep it very private.

[aallen25]

This is something I wonder about with DD's birth mom. She has shown no sign of grief or pain when with us, not that I expect her to email me concerning her feelings post adoption, or leave visits with tears in her eyes but she seems completely fine when around us. Not knowing exactly how she feels I find myself feeling so uncomfortable with post placement visits. I tend to walk on eggshells so as not to upset her or add to any pain she may be feeling. I feel the need to just give her DD at visits and stay in the background as if too much interaction between myself and DD would be like rubbing the situation in her face. That might sound dumb but that's how I feel at times. We had a relationship before placement so we've talked about family members and at our last visit I found myself telling her a story about my nephew. During the story I shared that he no longer refers to me as Aunt Alicia but now I'm Shiloh's mommy. After saying that I felt so guilty for referring to myself as mommy in front of her. I know that's what I am, but again I don't know how sensitive she is to all of this and I don't want to say anything to upset her or add to her pain. I feel like I am being overly sensitive to her but because I don't know how she feels I don't know what to do!

[Oceans]

I'm with Paige and TG. The aparents would have been the last people I showed my grief to.

aallen: Remember, you can build a relationship with your daughter's birthmom that is separate from your daughter. Of course, talk about DD milestones etc. but I would also ask her about her life. How's work, school, family etc. That way you're building a friendship - KWIM?

Don't feel guilty. Since I'm not in an OA, this may not be good advice but in my real life, I would rather someone come out and ask me directly "how I'm feeling", than walk on eggshells or assume I am feeling a certain way... So there's another option. Maybe you could just come out and ask her..

[bromanchik]

I also did not share my grief with the adoptive parents. They ended up knowing about it only because I spoke about it publicly. There was also the time I broke down during Dumbo.. the "Baby Mine" song totally did me in. I was mortified.

Most birthparents in OA that I have known are very careful to hold it together during visits. They do not want to appear unstable, or embarass themselves or make the adoptive parents feel bad. Some get through visits by not talking much about their child.

[Stormster]

To be frank, I used to be very uncomfortable talking about the pain of birth mothers because I felt that in my journey I too had experienced massive pain but here, on these boards which are such a huge part of my day, that pain is often pushed aside. I also felt that anyone, including birth mothers, who were fertile and could have children were better off than I. That is why I reacted the way I did to the concept of "gain" because the cost had been so great to me physically, emotionally, financially. Yes I have a child now but in so many ways I grieve too. Every day. And for more than one child. More than five children. I was not able to give birth to four of them and one of them is another woman's child.

And I would tell myself well this is a site about ADOPTION but then that didn't work either because for me it was all part of the adoption...this long journey toward motherhood chock full of miscarriages and operations and scams and heartbreak.

But now I realize what Tamaryn said which is: I think it's so important to remember in open adoption that bmom has her pain and her loss and while you need to be empathetic towards her and that, it's not your fault that she is hurting. The loss and gain can be seperate from the actual relationship, not adoption as a whole, but the relationship between the parents. Does that make sense?

This means that MY pain too can be separate.

So what I take from that is we are EACH entitled to our own pain but yes, in the adoption there is someone who clearly loses something. And in my own way, I can see that my experiences, while devastating, had endings I can grieve for. I'm still not comfortable comparing pain but I am much more in touch with the reality of the situation.

[HeidiK]

Open adoption doesn't do anything to eliminate pain - it just give the all the opportunity to tell the truth