[HopefulMommy]

As you can see by my signature DH and I have been pursuing international adoptions. However through a strange twist of fate, we have been approached by a friend (who is also an adoptive Mom) who knows a young girl who is making an adoption plan for her baby.

Our friend has told this young lady about us and is interested in us adopting her child.

She is interested in an open type of an adoption, which we are more then fine with. Frankly the more open the better. But since I have been in IA world I have know idea about domestic adoptions...

What questions do I ask her when/if we meet her? What questions do we ask our lawyer? Her lawyer?

Any books you would recommend?

Any help would be appreciated!

[HBV]

I know some consider them dated, but I have found Lois Melina's books on THE OPEN ADOPTION EXPERIENCE and RAISING ADOPTED CHILDREN really helpful.

We have a very open adoption w/ both of H's bparents and their extended families, and the best way I can describe it is that it's a little like getting inlaws---the person you love comes with some other family, so you find ways to incorporate them into your life.

We didn't have much time to prepare or ask questions because we had a quick placement. We've worked things out over time, but looking back, here are some things I would have talked over in advance:

1. How often do you want updates (photos & letters)?
2. How often do you want face to face visits?
3. Are either of you comfortable w/ overnight visits?
4. If travel is involved in visits, how will you handle that?
5. How will you handle holidays, birthdays, special occasions?
6. Will extended family be involved in the visits?
7. What's the family medical history?
8. What special talents do you think this baby might inherit that I should be prepared to nurture?
9. How will you handle the hospital and delivery---does bmom want you there?
10. Establish what kind of contact you'll have right after the birth and who will initiate it----in our experience, that was the hardest time for M (and from reading this site, I think it's a tough time for a lot of birthmothers----the grief, the hormones, the uncertainty of the relationship, the feeling that the balance of power has shifted. Establishing the who/what/when/where of first contact it won't resolve all of that, but I think it helps if you both have a clear understanding that she'll check in w/ you after 2 days or you'll call her w/ an update once the baby's been home for 48 hours, or whatever you come up with.

That's my top ten list. Here's my other piece of advice---don't overcommit on contact. Until you have the baby home, it's hard to know how you're going to feel. You are going to be working on establishing your own routines, bonding with baby and you'll be exhausted. It's REALLY hard to be someone else's support during that time, even though you desperately want to.

That makes me think of a bonus question:

Will she get counseling, from where, and who will pay for that?

Best of luck to you.

[loveajax]

As usual, HBV has nailed it! I think her list (and bonus question!) are really great. I wish we had gone through this process before we adopted. You should also research your state's OA laws to figure out what may happen in the event of a conflict, etc.

Good luck to you!

[rredhead]

I would add: Get to know her. Maybe asking all the questions in the first conversation will be too much for her. Or maybe she's the type to get everything done business-like. Ask her how she is, how the pregnancy's been, what she likes and doesn't like. Try and see what she wants to talk about. Also, remember to let her ask questions. And you don't have to get everything done in one conversation.
Good luck!