[Emberbit]

I’m not sure I’m allowed to post over here but I had a few questions that I wanted input from a-parents on.

1. How early is too early to match for an open adoption? (I was hoping around 16 weeks so I can really get to know them and maybe have them at OB visits. Is this unrealistic?)

2. I’d like to be able to name the baby and have the parents keep the name. If not a first name, maybe a middle name? Is this possible? Are their a-parents who will allow this?

3. I need someone who can pay my insurance’s copay for delivery (approximately $500) if possible. Will some a-parents be willing to do this?

I’m still in the information gathering stage, obviously but I want a-parents who are willing to get to know my 6-year-old so that she will be reassured that the baby is going to nice people who will love it and take good care of it. I am looking for parents who believe that contact is in the best interest of all children involved. I don’t want to push or insist on a certain amount (as long as it’s consistent) but I do want some contact. I mean, not constant contact or anything. I have a busy life. I work full time and have the munchkin and will be starting my bachelor’s degree coursework soon.

Anyway, I guess I’m just wondering: Is it possible? What are your views on these things?

[nikkianni]

The beauty of open adoption is that anything is possible. You are in a position to find exactly the type of situation that you want for you, your munchkin and your baby.
As for the specific items:

1. Some eparents and aparents match very, very early. If everyone is comfortable with it, then it's not too soon. Personally, I would think any aparents would be thrilled to have the opportunity to attend doctor appointments, etc.

2. Naming is a touchy subject but yes, it's possible. First, this is YOUR baby until all the legalities have been observed, so you can name him or her whatever you like. As far as the aparents keeping a first or middle name of your choosing, many aparents are happy to work with eparents on naming .

3. Most aparents go into the adoption process knowing they may have to pick up some medical expenses. Just be up front about the amount with those you talk to in order to make sure they can afford it.

As for the contact issue, I don't think you'll run into too many problems. Most couples hoping to adopt are open to some contact. It's just a matter of working out what level of contact everyone involved is comfortable with.
Good luck!

[HBV]

Some of this will depend on whether you're going through an agency or trying to find aparents through parent profiles or some other avenue to do a private adoption.
1. As an aparent, I'd personally probably be a little reluctant to match that early---you're either going to be met w/ someone trying to guard their emotions for fear that you'll change your mind or someone who jumps in w/ both feet so that you'll feel guilty if you do. Most agencies won't match until later than 16 weeks. Some potential aparents have a completely different opinion on this than I do.

2. The naming thing was important to us as aparents---I would have been open to hearing a name that an emom picked out, but I wouldn't have made any promises about keeping it. Again, there are aparents who are fine w/ what you're proposing----the sw who did our homestudy is an amom and kept the name her daughter's bmom had selected as a middle name.
3. Yes, most aparents are willing (and in agency adoptions usually required) to assist with any medical bills, but you may also qualify for Medicaid. We paid our son's nursery bill.

As for the contact issue, you will have to just work that out w/ aparents. If you look around on these boards, you'll see that lots of people have contact arrangements, and they vary with the families involved. Usually when we see discontent with the contact arrangement, it's because one side or the other isn't living up to what was agreed to or is not respecting boundaries. But the short answer to your question is yes, of course it's possible. In fact, most aparents are being told by agencies these days that open arrangements are the norm, not the exception.

[Emberbit]

I know I’m just full of questions…

If 16 weeks is too soon, when is a good time that will still allow my 6-year-old to feel comfortable with them? I mean…I need to be comfortable with them too but I think it will take her longer and she’ll be full of questions. I was actually hoping to look for an independent match but when will agencies usually match? When is it “normal” to match?

Is the naming issue something we can agree on before we (me and potential a-parents) make the match? i.e. do you think there are a-parents out there who would agree to keep some part of the name without knowing for sure what that name will be other than that it will be special to me in some way? I understand that not all a-parents will agree to this for reasons of their own. I don’t’ have o understand them…but I can’t imagine carrying a baby and either not calling them anything or calling the baby something and then needing to call him/her something else when the a-parents name him/her. This adoption thing is complicated.

[ourdreamcametru]

I think you will find aparents who are willing to keep the name you choose for your child, at least as a middle name. The co-pay on insurance should'nt be a problem either, most aparents are expecting some cost for delivery and medical. For us meeting our daughter's bmother at 6 months along was far enough in advance of the birth for us to get to know her, go to a few dr's appointments and know each other's expectations without the wait seeming so long. I am sure you could find a family willing to meet at 16 weeks this is just our experience! You are doing the right thing by researching before making a plan, good luck to you!
Kelley

[nikkianni]

Emberbit: You hit the nail in the head. It really is complicated.
As for the matching, there are some agencies that will want you to wait to be matched. Some will require counseling, others won't. They're all very different. As to using an agency or not, I think (not sure here) that you just need a lawyer, not neccessarily an agency.
When DH and I were waiting, we were contacted by several emoms. Many of them had some basic requests concerning naming, contact, etc. They put those requests out there right away in the first or second email. That way no one got their hopes up if there were "deal breakers." If you do it that way, you should be able to work everything out before making it an official match.
And remember, you can talk to as many couples for as long as it takes before you make a decision. Don't let anyone make you feel rushed. That'll only make it tougher for all involved.

[HOPEFULINPA]

Personally I'd want to start talking to an emom as soon as possible to REALLY get to know the person and her family and find out if we would be a match. I would start with emails and then phone calls and then a meeting to see if we "clicked". If you are proposing an open adoption with contact after placement you need to make sure these are people you are comfortable spending time with. And how else to know that than to spend ALOT of time with them.

As far as a $500 medical fee..check with the potential adoptive parents state to see what is allowed.

Decide how far you are willing to travel for visits. Are you thinking of attending every birthday and holiday like an extended family? If so you don't want to be across the country.

Requesting the name can be tricky. Again it's all going to depend on the people you match with. Is it a "normal" name or something completely off the wall? Will it be their first child? Some people have kids names picked out when they are first married (or sooner). Others may love the name or at least be willing to use it as a middle name.

Remember this is YOUR child until you sign the termination of parental rights. You have no idea how you will feel after the baby is born.

You can look all over the internet for couples looking to adopt or use an agency to present you with profiles. If you want to match that early you are probably going to have to search the internet. There are several sites couples seeking to adopt can post their information.

I wish you luck!

[srusse24]

1. How early is too early to match for an open adoption? (I was hoping around 16 weeks so I can really get to know them and maybe have them at OB visits. Is this unrealistic?)

16 weeks is early for a match, but if an adoptive parent considers your reasons (getting to know them and letting your child get to know the family) they would probably be more open to it.

2. I’d like to be able to name the baby and have the parents keep the name. If not a first name, maybe a middle name? Is this possible? Are their a-parents who will allow this?

It is always your right to name the baby, but aparents are not obligated to keep the name. If you form a relationship with the family and they are aware of the importance of them keeping the name you chose, then hopefully they will respect that and keep the name. There was never a question in our situation. Our son's bmother chose a name for him and we were honored to keep it. We look forward to telling our son that his bmom chose his name.

3. I need someone who can pay my insurance’s copay for delivery (approximately $500) if possible. Will some a-parents be willing to do this?

In almost all agency adoptions, the aparents are responsible for any medical bills. There should be no problem in having your copay taken care of.

[rredhead]

[quote=Emberbit
1. How early is too early to match for an open adoption? (I was hoping around 16 weeks so I can really get to know them and maybe have them at OB visits. Is this unrealistic?)[/quote]
As others have mentioned, it depends on the a-parents. If our emom had said what you've just said, and we could go to some of the OB visits, I'd certainly accept that. I would have loved to have the option of going to the OB appts! Some aparents would be wary, but I bet that many would find it a good chance to get to know you and your child.
As others have also mentioned, some agencies won't let you match that early. Unless you really love the agency for other reasons, if you really want to match early, find another agency.

[quote=Emberbit
2. I’d like to be able to name the baby and have the parents keep the name. If not a first name, maybe a middle name? Is this possible? Are their a-parents who will allow this?[/quote]
There are a lot of aparents who keep the name the emom gives the baby as a middle name. Sometimes a baby will then end up with 2 middle names. For us, we would want to know what the name might be. I also have had a particular name in mind since I was 8, so if your name didn't go with it, it might be difficult. Would I turn down a match if the emom wanted the middle name? Probably not. But it actually would give me pause.
As you can see, some aparents care about strange things!

[quote=Emberbit
3. I need someone who can pay my insurance’s copay for delivery (approximately $500) if possible. Will some a-parents be willing to do this? [/quote]
That's standard. As long as it's allowable in your state (and most states allow birthmother hospital expenses) then aparents would pay it.

[quote=EmberbitI don’t want to push or insist on a certain amount (as long as it’s consistent) but I do want some contact. I mean, not constant contact or anything. I have a busy life. [/quote]

I highly recommend drafting an open adoption agreement, so you can spell out what the minimum level of contact will be. It may not be binding in your state, but I think it would be good to have piece of mind about this. You could have any level of contact; the document would just be there to ensure you have a base level.
I know I'd love to be more in contact with our son's birthmom. A lot of aparents are getting better about contact. I think, when we first start out, we're afraid of the birthmom - will she take the baby? will she think that she gets an active role in parenting the baby? And then, as we move along and see what others are doing, and we get to know the emom of our (hopefully) child to be, we begin to calm down.

Good luck with this decision!

[BrandyHagz]

My advice.

Don't settle.

You know what you want - look till you find a couple/someone who is interested in the same.

I had no trouble with any of the above - I even had FURTHER requirements...

DO NOT SETTLE FOR "Maybes" - you can find a couple/someone who will be open to and excited to do all of the things you want....

[blessedbybug]

Hi! I'm an parent through adoption to two kids.

1. How early is too early to match for an open adoption? (I was hoping around 16 weeks so I can really get to know them and maybe have them at OB visits. Is this unrealistic?)

I am certain you would be able to find paparents willing and wanting to do this. If you are working through an agency, you'll need to check and see what their policy is on this. In our situation, no matches happened until into the 7th month.

Another thing about an early match is that I hope, if you decide to move forward with an adoption match, that a "match" does not mean it is a done deal. You still must decide after the baby is born what your decision is. I just say this because I can well imagine that with a 4-5 month relationship prior to birth, there could be a very strong bond. But remember, even with that bond, if your choice is parenting, that you have no obligation to and shouldn't place your child in that family.

2. I’d like to be able to name the baby and have the parents keep the name. If not a first name, maybe a middle name? Is this possible? Are their a-parents who will allow this?

We worked with the First Mothers of our children to choose a name together that we both liked and it was the name that went on the original birth certificate. Naming is important for both families and for myself, I wanted it to be a joint decision. The names our children have represent all their families. DD's first name is a form of her First Mother's name (and she has two middle names, my granma, DH's granma's names). DS's third name is his First Father's middle name.

I want a-parents who are willing to get to know my 6-year-old so that she will be reassured that the baby is going to nice people who will love it and take good care of it. I am looking for parents who believe that contact is in the best interest of all children involved. I don’t want to push or insist on a certain amount (as long as it’s consistent) but I do want some contact.

I would recommend that you decide what and how much contact you want before you begin considering possible aparents. And then not budge from that.

We met the children of the expecting parents at our initial meetings with them and at least for DD, her sisters have been the main people we have contact with (it is a long story, but they haven't always been with their mother). DD's younger sister is 6 now and from how she has coped with Bug's adoption these last three years, yes, I would believe it would be very important that your DD feels a part of the decision. If you have openness, your DD will be a vital part of that. She is the sister afterall!

Best of everything as you make this decision.