[PRAISEMom]

I'm trying to be compassionate and understanding, but I am uncomfortable and unsettled by my DD's Birthmom. She has a pattern of lying--imagining things are different than they really are--even to the point of telling some people at her work about the adoption, but then telling others that she has a baby who is either at home with dad (she is unmarried, lives alone) or "staying with friends." She told me this herself. Someone she works with approached me to warn me to be careful of her.

There are many other lies, half-truths, conflicting stories. We agreed to visit 4x a year but opened it up because we live an hour apart, and had known each other (slightly) before the birth... it just seemed silly to be so legalistic and rigid.

But the more we give, the more she wants. She even got upset because we went on vacation without telling her beforehand. She calls several times a week, sometimes several times in a day. It's too much!!

We have three birth children, in addition to our adopted DD (6 months old). I need to know: Is this normal behavior for a grieving birth mom, something to "ride out," or should we be concerned and close things down? Your perspectives would be appreciated.

[Mommy24]

You obviously set no boundaries from the beginning and now it is a problem. It sounds like birthmom is open and honest with you, a good thing, did you ask her why she lied to her co-workers about the babies whereabouts?

Sounds like she could use someone to talk to,did she recieve post-adoption counseling? I would begin by setting some boundaries, ie....when, where, how often.

Please stick to your agreement with her if at all possible, as long as she doesn't become a threat to your family it is important for you to keep your word.

Best of luck to you!

[bromanchik]

Lying to co-workers? I know a lot of birthmoms who do that. The bottom line is that birthparents are severely judged by others so sometimes it is easier to fudge the truth.

As far the increasing contact... set boundaries if you are overwhelmed.

[taramayrn]

Honestly that's something I have done. I don't tell everyone in my life about my son and sometimes I will say that I have a child and when someone pushes me further about it, I have said, oh yeah he's at home. I refuse to lie about my son, however, not everyone is worthy to hear my story and treat it with respect. People who are close to me in my life and who I can trust know the story.

So please don't judge her on that, she's doing something pretty normal.

Sounds like some boundaries need to be set.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I've lied to coworkers or not been totally truthful by not telling the "whole" story. My coworkers aren't my "friends" so they were on a need-to-know basis and usually didn't need to know. I let people believe that the pregnancy with my son was my first because I didn't feel like letting everyone in broadcasting know about my daughter.

That said, boundaries are greatly important. Let her know if the calls are too much. Frankly, I don't talk to ANYONE on the phone multiple times per day so if I was dealing with that I would just have to say, "I'm trying to parent x(2 for me, 4 for you)-number of children and I have a lot to get done in a day. I would appreciate if we could work something out that would better suit us both when it comes to the phone." It's scary at first but it sounds as though you would both benefit from some boundary setting.

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

I am guilty of not talking about my bson, too. I just don't feel it's everyone's business and I didn't want to field all of the questions that come up. It's not the world's business why I placed my son, it's not their business as to what my other children will think, I just hate all of the invasive questions (and judgement) from people that aren't close to me. Those that are close to me do know every detail about my bson and I vent a bit on this forum, but other than that, I like to keep that topic a private one.

[PRAISEMom]

Thanks-- this is very helpful. Hearing from Tara, Jenna, and "Modern" is reassuring, and I feel less "icky" about it. But you're all right-- I also need to set some boundaries. Scary, but true!

I'd love to get clear on what her expectations are, but she doesn't seem willing.. or perhaps, able... to verbalize them, except when she's been disappointed. Is this normal, as well?

Also, I've read/heard that I should just know it's going to be rocky for about one to two years, until birth mom has had some time to process, and grieve; and for us to get used to our role; and then our relationship will stabilize. Is that true in your experience? Thanks again.

[thanksgivingmom]

I find it VERY challenging to verbalize what I want out of the relationship with DD's amom or even with the SW.

I also have the lie at work issue...I just recently put up a picture of DD and am very prepared to tell people she's my neice. My co-workers know that I have lots of neices and nephews and I think it will be easier that way...my DD's adoption does not need to be office gossip. This way, it's not.

If I thought I could sell the "she's my daughter at home" bit, I might go with that. So don't judge too harshly on office stories...

I think it might be one to two years ONCE you set your boundaries. So that she sees that this is consistent and not going to change too much. I am still only at not quite 8 months so I am still in the early adjustment phase, although I would say to take what you've read/heard as others valid experiences, but not to necessarily assume it's how things will progress with your DD's bmom. Some of us grieve, adjust, and respond differently.

[lovemy2boys]

I agree that you need to set clear boundaries; be absolutely honest about your feelings. It sounds like such a "simple" answer, but it really can be difficult.

My husband and I went through a similar thing with our oldest son's bmom. She told lies and half truths similar to the ones you mentioned, as well as some that were unsettling to us - when she was around our son with her boyfriends (not the bfather) she'd say "go play with your son". She'd also call him by the name that she gave him, and not the one we gave him. We were really concerned about how this would affect our son.

About a year and a half ago (our son is now 5 1/2), everything fell apart and our SW told us to end contact with her, except in writing. Let me tell you, it was the roughest year and a half of our life. She, of course, was angry - we, of course, were hurt. We kept contact through letters, which of course just made things worse. I was so intent on making her see our side of things that I failed to take her feelings into consideration. She was more intent on telling us how rotten we were that she failed to see that we were just scared of how this would affect our son. The letters became less and less about him, and more about who was right.

This has been very difficult on my family, and I new things had to change. Last week I found the message boards on this site. I had read a million books on adoption and thought I had a pretty good handle on things, but after reading these posts, I can see how wrong I have been. After a great deal of reading and reflecting, I called our bmom and we spoke about a great many things. I realize now that although she may have overstepped many, many boundaries, it was our responsibility to put them in place. Telling us to cut our relationship was really bad advice (we were told to do the same thing with our youngest son's bparents for a whole other situation). Needless to say, I am sorry for the time our bmom lost with our son, however I believe we can move forward and hopefully build a stronger, more honest relationship.

The lesson I learned was to make sure we are honest with our feelings and clear about our needs. We are going on 6 years, and are still learning the ropes! Good luck, and thanks for letting me tell my story!

[ginadc]

Yes, our DD's birthmom also fudged the truth about her adoption situation at work. She had a picture of A. up and a coworker asked about her; when she asked where she was, K. told her "She's with her father." As she said, that was technically true. She is with her father, and with me, her mother. She was walking a fine line--wanting to be able to have a picture of A. up to enjoy while she was at work, but not wanting to share all the details of her adoption with people she barely knew (this was a new job). I totally understand that and don't have a problem with it.

But some of the other stuff going on sounds as if boundaries do, indeed, need to be set. The only person I talk to more than once a day on the phone is my husband!

[Rachael55146]

I had an experience today when I went through a coffee stand I always used to go to... they knew I was pregnant and the girl serving me today asked how my baby was doing... and I figured....she really doesn't want to hear my story so I just told her she was doing well.... and left it at that... I think if I had told her that I chose adoption she would end up feeling bad... and I have a wonderful open adoption so I'm not hurt by the situation at all, but there are times when it is just easier to answer simple questions without going into detail. i would never say that she was with her dad or at the babysitters or anything though.

[PRAISEMom]

Oh, Rachael. Thanks to you, and the others who have posted here, I really understand now. DD's birth mom and I have talked about this, and it's amazing how difficult it is to field questions. People don't think about that part of it (I know I didn't), and what a challenge it must be.

By the way, it's DD's 1st birthday today, and we are having the birth mom and her family over for dinner; things are going really well, and this open adoption thing is definitely something I recommend. I don't think I felt that way even 6 months ago; but now we've weathered some tough times together, and I'd do it all again. I even look forward to our relationship in the years to come, even though we'll probably hit some other bumps along the way.

Best wishes to you--
PraiseMom

[thanksgivingmom]

Happy Birthday to your DD! I'm so glad that the open adoption is being such a beneficial experience for you all, especially for your daughter!

Congrats!

[PRAISEMom]

Just thought I'd update about the birthday party.

Birthmom said that the night before the party (on the eve of the actual birth anniversary), she just suddenly started crying, and couldn't seem to stop; it was horrible at first, but then felt cleansing. "I think I've been stuffing emotions for MONTHS," she told everybody at the table. "But now I feel so much better." It did not feel at all accusatory, or blaming, or any of the things it could have, earlier in our relationship. Instead, it was just a friend-to-friend moment, if that makes sense. It was very sweet.

The birthday party was really emotional, but in a good way. We laughed some, and got teary-eyed some. Even though it was DD's big day, she wasn't the entire focus; in fact, after she went to bed the birthmom and family stayed for a couple of hours to play board games.

I am writing this because I want to offer hope to anyone who is struggling with their open adoption, as I was a few months into the thing. The reality scared me a little, even though I supported it in theory. I admit I don't always feel comfortable with it, because I am a private person, and it's a little strange to include our DD's birth families in our lives.

We still have some boundary issues. And before the birthday gathering, I was getting all worked up about whether the food I was cooking would be good enough (it wasn't the best I've ever prepared, darn it anyway!!), if the cake would fall (we ended up eating store bought), and if the house would measure up... all that goofy surface stuff that doesn't really matter.

She's been to our house many times, but for some reason this was more of a big deal than usual.

I think I wanted to show her, and her family, that our DD was in a good place; I wanted to impress them. But none of it mattered.

What did matter was that they showed obvious love and interest in our DD, but they didn't begrudge our obvious love for her (and her attachment to us). We've been together before and they tried to make DD come to them, sit in their lap, etc; this time they watched, waited, and let her come to them, on her own terms. Much less stressful all around. It's as though we are all letting go of our fears about each other. And when she went to bed, and they stayed to play games with our other kids, it was their way of letting us know that they care about us ALL, not just about their flesh and blood relative.

They say they want us all to be extended family; and maybe that's where we're headed. It's not perfect, but it's good.

Tomorrow the kids and I are driving to birthmom's new house to help her and her mom do some cleaning, before she moves in next month. She'll be living even nearer to us than she does now, and you know what? I'm glad. Who would've thought it would be like this? I sure didn't. But I'm glad it's turned out this way.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by PRAISEMom

She'll be living even nearer to us than she does now, and you know what? I'm glad. Who would've thought it would be like this? I sure didn't. But I'm glad it's turned out this way.

I'm glad too, for how things are turning out.