[Jo Ellen]

As an adoptee who didnt have the chance to know my first mother growing up and didn't know her and my first father until I found them two years ago I will say I am happy to hear this open arrangement is working out for all of you. I feel it is important for a child to know where they come from as I have always longed for this but never felt growing up I could ever bring it up to my adoptive parents for fear of hurting them. Best wishes to you all.

Jo Ellen

[birthmomof3]

It is very hard for a birthmom!!! I even lied to myself that my child was going to be babysat!!! I lied to someone that my 3 1/2 year old who I placed with my brother had died!!!! We all do some unexplained things we get caught in the lie eventually and have to deal with the truth!!!! Its is so very hard it has been 3 years since my youngest left and it has been so hard and hes with my brother in another state!!! But because I have been through it dont push he completely away but set boundrys you both can live with cause this is your child now that you have to protect!!!! She will have to respect that!!! Also just keep her informed but the visits so much is going to hurt her more in the long run!!! Just my opinion but GOOD LUCK!!!! I feel for both you and the birthmom but one day your adopted child will know you did the best for him or her!!!!

[leakaye]

Holy cow!
I can't believe how open you guys are, it's fantastic! I wish my son's AMom was that open. She keeps a lot of things to herself and tends not to trust me. It's tricky sometimes.
Just be prepared, things may get rocky again. I grieved in many way at many different times in my life. And don't get upset if she needs some space at different times in her life, it's totally normal. It might all become a bit too much, especially when she moves on to have other children of her own. I didn't talk to my son's Afamily for 1.5 years once, when I was pregnant with my daughter and a little while after. I just couldn't. I felt guilty that i gave him away and was going to keep her. I know it was difficult for them and I can't make that mistake again for my DS's sake, but I needed that time to think things through.

I'm so happy for you and Bmom. Sounds like you have started a wonderful thing that your DS will be very grateful for!

x Lea

[katie52]

To PRAISE MOM---I am really glad that you are all getting on so well. And hearing that you are going to be one big extended family sounds ideal. But as you said, there will be bumps in the road. Because your baby is just a baby, there is no problem now.

But we had open adoptions for our two kids, who are now 20 and 16, and it gets more difficult as the kids get older, and are put more in the middle.

Now you are saying you are happy bmom is moving closer to you. Is it because she wants to be more involved in your childs life? Does she have a reason besides that? I only ask because we failed to set any boundaries with our oldest childs bfamily to begin with,
and things got rocky when we realised we all had different visions of open adoption.
Do you expect that your childs birthmom will be at your home early Christmas morning, every year? Will she go to all the school talent shows and performances, and be known as mom ? These kinds of events begin to put pressure on the child, as the other kids say, "which one is your real mom ? "

Maybe that wont be a problem for your families, but it got very confusing for ours. Our son began to feel really stressed because he just wanted things to be simple, and they felt complicated to him.

How will you handle any requests that they may have concerning your child going away with them on family vacations? Once your child is older, then sometimes the birthfamily will extend an invitation, like going to DisneyWorld with their bcousins over memorial day.
That was really hard for us, and they could not understand why.

Anyway, I probably sound like a partypooper. I really dont mean to be one. But reading your post reminded me of when we started, and there were not as many OA's at the time, so it was uncharted territory. And I would say if I learned anything, it was that I needed to set some boundaries , which I did with our second child,
so there was some sense of common expectations.

I think it was a red flag in my mind, hearing that bmom was moving closer to you. The healthiest thing is for her to be moving forward with her life, and checking in with you , and seeing how things are going.
But if she is planning her life around what you and your family is doing, and if she plans to be a very hands on and active bmom, then you will need to do some serious counseling, all of you, together, to make sure you are on the same page. It is much like a kid living in a divorced household, because he is told, one person is his blood parent, and the other his legal parent, and he has to somehow integrate the two. So many issues arise that it is hard to list them all. But essentially, like with divorced parents, akids in open adoptions, learn to play the parents against each other. { she said I could, why not?}

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I feel like I am raining on your parade. THE GREAT NEWS, IS THAT BOTH OUR KIDS KNOW THEIR ORIGINAL FAMILIES, KNOW WHO THEY LOOK LIKE AND TAKE AFTER,AND THEY WILL NOT BE SEARCHING LIKE CHILDREN WITH NO ANSWERS DO.
So know you are doing the right thing, but set some boundaries for everyones sake.

[PRAISEMom]

Thanks to all who have posted. You've helped me to be more compassionate, more honest, and also more thoughtful about the future! Some of your First Mom stories really pull at my heart, and I than you for sharing them. I also appreciate the cautions about boundaries from others; you've helped, too.

First, an update. Birthmom is not moving closer to us; their plans changed, and she is moving overseas because of her husband's work. I have such mixed feelings. I was surprised at how sad I felt; I'm still having some trouble with it. It means we won't have visits for a couple of years. I can't believe I think that is a negative, when we had such a rocky start!!

There is a little bit of relief, too. It removes the difficult questions of holidays, family events, etc. (which I find hard enough to deal with in my pre-existing extended, divorced families). It gives us both a breather, and a chance for her to move forward, without feeling guilty on her end if she does seek less contact (which is happening, by the way, as she gets busier in her life).

Some confusion is already taking place about the "Mom" issue. Our daughter is supposed to call her "mama" and me "mommy" but at 18 months, she just gets confused by the whole thing. I think it upset me more than it did Bmom, who reassured me, "She'll figure it out as she gets older. It's no big deal." And here I was worried her feelings would be hurt!!

You've all given me things to think about, especially the boundary issue. I guess I can't just passively wait two or three years, until she gets back, to really make things clear. I need wisdom. I want to continue BIG openness, but also preserve some privacy.

Speaking of boundaries, Birth Dad and his new girlfriend were here for a weekend visit (they stayed in a hotel) earlier in the summer. Even though he only wants to visit a few times a year, this is actually tougher, because he is from out of town and therefore it doesn't feel right to only spend a couple of hours together. We wound up spending most of three whole days together. It was fine, but pretty taxing on my privacy-craving self. Our daughter did not warm up to BDad, but liked his girlfriend a lot. Go figure! I felt bad for him. He's having a harder time with this than he ever expected. His girlfriend is expecting a baby, and she has another child from a previous relationship.

This new extended family gets more and more complicated, but I'll tell you what: it's all worth it, for the privilege of having our daughter in our lives.

[djvj]

first, i want to say that you are a birth mother's dream -- open minded, compassionate, and clearly doing your best not only for your child but for the birthfamily.

when i relinquished my daughter 23 years ago, her parents and i had established all boundries clearly before she was even born. i was prepared for anytime letter and photo contact, but didn't expect to be able to see her again until she was an adult. this was agreed upon because we all wanted to be sure she didn't grow up confused in any way...i do have to say that now i have some regret about this, because these days things are different and there seems to be lots of contact at younger ages and the children seem fine -- but at the time the whole idea of open adoption at all was pretty radical (1985).

to my great surprise and delight, they brought her to see me at age one. i think because the adoption had finalized they felt more comfortable and because they are such wonderful people wanted to share their joy with me.

i think the first 2 years were the hardest, and for me at 17, having strong boundries in place was very healthy. of course, i longed to see her all the time -- but knowing the rules i didn't get my hopes up and i think it made everyone's roles very clear. surprisingly, my daughter and her family initiated contact of their own accord when she turned 16. i had expected a longer wait, till at least 18 or 21. unfortunately, due to the agency not passing on the information, we did not reunite for 6 years, but just knowing she and they wanted to see me is a great comfort.

i am very very happy to learn that you have decided to honor your agreement of the 4x per year. i would have been DEVESTATED had her family changed the initial rules/boundries because i truly only relinquished her so that SHE would have a better life...selfishly, i would have kept her for myself except i loved her so much i knew she deserved more than i could give her at such a young age. knowing she was in a supportive, stable environment with two beautiful parents was invaluable to my healing...and most important to me was knowing she would always grow up knowing she was never unwanted or abandoned in any sense by me, rather, quite the opposite. of course, i was very careful to respect the wishes of her parents because i wanted any influence i had in her life to be completely positive and i trusted their judgement on making those decisions...

best of luck to you in building and strengthening your new "extended" family. now that my daughter is 23 and fully grown i have to say that next to the bond i share with her, the bond i share with her mother is closest to my heart -- i am inspired by her compassion, kindness, and strength every day and she is a treasured friend and an important part of my life.

i wish the same fairy tale ending for you and your family

[RavenSong]

Dear DJVJ,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. And welcome to the forums here at Adoption.com! This is great group of people, representing all three sides of the triad. I hope we'll be seeing a lot of you in the future!

PS: I love the photograph you're using as your avatar. Both moms and daughter look so very happy.

[katie52]

Dear Praisemom,
Thank you for the update. Wow, things change fast sometimes, eh? It is sad she will be so far away. Maybe you will not have to wait a few years though. Somehow, some way she may come home to see her parents or come to a family event, and you can see each other sooner. That is a long time to wait.

If nothing else you can really get to know each other through letters, and email and lots of pictures and you tube videos. So when you do see each other again , your girl will know her as her first mom.

Keeping a consistent connection is really important if at all possible. I am really happy to hear that you are all working towards that. Congratulations.

[FAITH08]

I can understand her telling some people certain things and others another, she might still be a little uncomfortable telling people the truth, she might not want to go into having to explain. That's normal. what isn't normal is her still having the opportunity to still be attached to the baby to that degree. i understand that you may want to include her in on some things but you have to be careful with that. there has to be limits to how much she can be involved and that should have been established well before baby arrived. My personal opinion, phone calls should stop, you can keep in touch others ways like email, send her pictures every so often, or if you are comfortable enough YOU can call her with updates so she can feel comfortable knowing her baby is well taken care of. I seriously think it wont get better if you all don't come to some kind of agreement.