[wcfrancis]

We are wonderfully excited new open adoption parents and our birth parents will have already visited 4 times within a month. Is this typical? We adore them, but our family hasn't even visited this much. We need some time to adjust. They mentioned visiting about once a month. I thought this excessive, but again I don't know what is typical. I wanted to get some feedback before answering them

[BestLight]

What do you want that # to be? What do the birthparents want that # to be?

Start there. After you're clear individually, you can get clear together.

[BrandyHagz]

There is no 'typical' in open adoption - every family will be different.

Four times in the first month wasn't a big deal for us...but clearly, it seems to be for you - so you should say something - you need to get things ironed out now, so that feelings aren't hurt later.

Of course, thats just my opinion

[lahdh4]

You both need to sit down and say how many visits you would each like and go from there. There is no set rule or amount of "right" visits. Last year I saw J 3 times and this year because of some things it will be only 2x.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Ours is 2 times a year...and I am OK with that as long as she is clean and sober and respects our roll as the "parents". I would not have any more than that in our case at this point. Ours is a binding agreement too.

[loveajax]

WCFrancis, if you think it is "excessive" than it is "excessive" for you.

It is very difficult to set boundaries sometimes if you want to. I remember when I had just returned to work, my DD's birth mom and I talked and she wanted to exchange email addresses. I did not feel comfortable with that (to me, it would make me feel "obliged" to update her daily, etc. -- I'm sure not what she expected, but just how I felt). It was v. hard to say that I didn't feel comfortable with that.

In our OA agreement, we have an annual visit around the time of DD's birthday. We have had one other visit when she was 6 weeks old. I personally LOVE the visits (and love our DD's birth family) but DH (who is an adoptee from a closed adoption) is more "adamant" that we should do what is in the OA agreement only. (Btw, he really likes DD's birth family too, he just has this sense that he feels like in some ways it "intrudes" on our family....needless to say, I don't!).

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship so hopefully you will be able to set the boundaries you want in a way that makes sense to all of you! Good luck!!

[HBV]

WCFrancis, we had almost your exact situation. We now see bmom and her parents about once every 4-6 weeks plus special occasions, but they visited a lot more than I really wanted to at the beginning.

I posted on another thread that although it was more than I wanted, it seemed to help bmom adjust and tapered off pretty naturally after I went back to work following maternity leave. I also find that if I'm proactive about sending e-mail updates and photos, we have fewer requests for visits.

I agree with the others, though----set some boundaries and don't worry too much about what other families do----this is about you forming a personal relationship.

[jaenelle]

As yet, there is nothing planned as far as visits -- we send letters/pictures only. I am hoping that when Yuna gets older we can arrange some visits, though.

I'm not sure how that would work as we don't even know 100% where Yuna's birthmom currently is, but I figure we'll just include the suggestion in one of our regular letters to her and hope the agency will be able to find her.

If you're not comfortable with it, then it's too much. I agree, figure out what # of visits you want, ask bfamily what # they would be happy with, and maybe actually do somewhere in the middle?

[MommySmiles]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it!

[mj77]

Initially we had visits every couple months, now we're down to about twice a year. As others have stated, it really depends on your family, the comfort level and needs of your child.

[mommy2jillian]

We only see DD b-mom twice a year... I sometimes wish it were more because we have such a wonderful "sisterly" relationship, but I know my DH wouldn't be as comfortable with that. We do call, email and write every week so that is nice. Backing the other mom's on here though just go with what YOU feel comfortable with and make sure it is clearly understood by all parties.

[SchmennaLeigh]

We visit about four times per year.