[AMom2Two]

Hi everyone...

After ds bmom last visit, she asked me if it would be okay for her to bring her Mom, sister and new step father to her next visit. At that time, dh and I talked about it and we thought we would give the bgrandma one visit so she can see him and know he is okay. So we said okay to that request. This was back in the spring. Yesterday, I received another email from ds bmom stating she will also be bringing her Uncle and his wife to our next visit. :-\

This is getting to be too much. WE opened the adoption so that his bmom could get to know our son. She never saw him or held him in the hospital. She always brings her boyfriend which is okay, but now it appears she wants to bring her entire family and we are NOT okay with this. I don't want to meet her Uncle. I no longer want to meet her mother and I never wanted to meet Mom's new husband. She sent me an email saying she invited them to our home and she hopes I don't mind. :wonky: Okay she is young, only 19 but this attitude that she can bring anybody is unnerving.

I want to invite just ds bmom and boyfriend to the next visit. I no longer want to meet bgrandma and her sister and new step dad. I definitely do not want to meet her uncle and aunt.

How can I tactfully tell her no to any relatives coming to our home? I know I said yes to bgrandma, but given that now she has taken the liberty and invited other family members here without our asking, I don't think granting that one visit to bgrandma is such a good idea any longer and I'm starting to get a very bad feeling about this.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can handle this without hurting ds bmom? I don't want to hurt ds bmom feelings, but I also don't want her to feel as if our home is an open door for her to bring her entire family thru. We never agreed to open adoption with her family. We specifically opened up the adoption so SHE and our son could have a relationship. We have no desire to mingle with her entire family.

Any kind suggestions would be appreciated. :-\

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I know what you mean. Our last visit included b-mom and 6 other relatives. We do not have visits in our home, but just the same, I think it is overwhelming to the child. I think I would take that approach as far as setting limits. Just say that you don't want to make it a huge event.

[BabsCanada]

Originally Posted by AMom2Two

WE opened the adoption so that his bmom could get to know our son. We have no desire to mingle with her entire family.

:-\

Those 2 lines pretty much sum up the situation for me! I think you have every right to stand your ground.

Ours is an open adoption; birthmom and her husband and her 2 kids are welcomed with open arms; when we do get together, it is usually us travelling to their city and staying in a hotel, but we've been to their home and they've been to ours. It's been fine. Birthmom's parents are deceased and her numerous siblings aren't very close. We did meet some of them when we attended birthmom's wedding when dd was one year old; it was certainly awkward, uncomfortable, but we got thru it OK.
I guess I'd be OK with meeting extended birthfamily on neutral ground, like a restaurant but even our open adoption would struggle with having extended family over to our house. I don't think I could do it.

Could you offer photos that birthmom can show her family?

I would predict the boundaries would get further challenged as time goes on if you allow this visit against your better judgement.

You're the parent. You've opened the door to a relationship between birthmom and your ds; it doesn't necessarily require you to include entire birthfamily.


Good luck,
Babs

[bajj]

Boundaries are very important. Also ask yourself, are you nervous about this for your child or for you? You need to have your child's best interest and sometimes meeting extended bfamily is a good thing, and sometimes it isn't. How much do you know about them? Maybe they will be an added blessing in your life and in your child's life.

I'm not sure what the answers are. Each adoption is different and each family is different. Personally, I'd love to meet my youngest ds's extended family. I'd love to meet his bmom! I wasn't able to go to the hospital and see ds after he was born. Bmom chose not to see him, either. She did have her parents and aunts and uncles and cousins there, though. She had a ton of support and I'd love to meet these people who wrapped their arms around her and supported her through her decision.

I wish I had an answer for you. Adoption isn't a one size fits all situation. You know in your gut what is best for your child. That is what I'd go with. He is more important than how the rest of you feel. Not that you need to just go around hurting feelings. Just gently set boundaries that you feel are best for him. Keep him first in your mind when making decisions.

Truly ask yourself will this be harmful to him? Will this be good for him?

I hope that helps some. I know I probably sound like I'm just babbling.

[ABWY]

I am in a similar situation right now. We have a very open adoption with birthmom and birthgrandmother. Until recently none of the other extended family knew about the pregnancy/adoption. The birth great grandmother is dying of cancer and now wants to meet my daughter. I don't have a problem with this as it will probably be the only opportunity this woman has to meet my daughter. You have to remember that you are in control of this situation. You must set your boundaries so that you are comfortable. It is not your responsibility to entertain all these extended family members if it is something you truly don't feel comfortable with. Good luck in whatever decision you make.

[Marmy_4]

I am a bmom and the part that you said about having an open adoption so SHE could have a relationship with the baby not the whole family....im sorry but that is kind of hurtful....granted i do not know what kind of family they are or if they are close or not, but they are part of who he is aswell. most if not all members of the bfamily greive the loss of a child threw adoption. since you are the parent now you do have thoes rights and obligation for privacy, so reducing the number of guests she has over should be addressed to her. give her facts, and if you truely have an "open" adoption they should understand and respect that. some people family is all they have and if you were to lose a grand child you may understand how it feels to want to know him/her. its hurtful to only grant one visit to her mother....its her flesh and blood too. ok im off my soap box now... just be careful in saying you have an open adoption if its "just open to the bmom"

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by bajj

Boundaries are very important. Also ask yourself, are you nervous about this for your child or for you? You need to have your child's best interest and sometimes meeting extended bfamily is a good thing, and sometimes it isn't. How much do you know about them? Maybe they will be an added blessing in your life and in your child's life.

I think this is a very good point. Certainly too many strangers can be overwhelming, but in small doses it can be an invaluble piece of the puzzle for your child. And whether or not you ever want to meet them again, they are a part of your son's birthfamily. 20+ years from now they may be in your son's life whether you want it or not. Wouldn't it be better to have a congenial relationship?

Of course you need to set appropriate boundaries. The birthmom should not be able to invite whoever she wants to your home. Suggest an outside place, with one or two relatives at a time.

When my son was eight, my son met my extended family for the first time at my Dad's 60th birthday. He made my Dad go to each table and introduce him as his grandson. He craved to know everyone. He did not compartmentalize. He knew I had a large family and he knew he was a part of it. He wanted to be acknowledged. A lot of adoptees feel this way. The desire to be acknowledged runs deep in many.

I think bajj is right. This inconvenience may be a hidden opportunity.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by Marmy_4

I am a bmom and the part that you said about having an open adoption so SHE could have a relationship with the baby not the whole family....im sorry but that is kind of hurtful....

I'm sorry if you were hurt by that statement, but that is how I feel. I don't consider EVERYONE who has some type of similar blood as my children as relatives. That just doesn't cut it with me. To some people blood means everything, but to most adoptive parents, it means very little. You can't honestly say who my children will see as their family. They may or may not feel extended bfamily is a part of them. That is for them to decide.

An open adoption is when there is open communication and we have shared personal information. We have done that and we have been having visits with bmom and her boyfriend. We have said it was okay to bring her Mom, sister and mom's new husband, but we are NOT comfortable with her bringing everyone here. If you find that insulting, I'm sorry. This is my home and I will decide who comes thru my front door. Ds bmom does not want to visit anywhere else but in our home, so that limits us and it does make it so I can say who I feel comfortable having here.

My sole reason for not wanting to open the door to distant relatives visiting in our home, is that I don't want to feel obligated to them. I don't want to bond with them. I don't want to be included in the extended family. I don't want to have to act like we are all one big family, because we are not. My boundary lines are set at my family and the bparents. I do have a soft spot for the bparents parents and possibly the bmom's siblings, but anything above that, just doesn't mean anything to me and I don't want to open the door for extended family to start visiting in our home.

Now if we were invited to ds bmom wedding, when it happens one day, then that is different and we wouldn't mind attending with our children and being introduced to everyone. Maybe then it will be okay, but not now. Bgrandma was just married 3 weeks ago and we were not invited, so I don't think they consider us family or they could have included us and given us a chance to meet everyone, but they didn't.

Adoption does require some loss for the bfamily. I am sorry if that is a fact. I am doing the very best I can to help the members of her immediate family but I WILL NOT become obligated to the bparents parents siblings. Sorry. You are all stretching me too far right now.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hon, you know you've got to speak up. Especially if you're planning the actual visit during the hustle-and-bustle of the holiday season, say that you've got too much going on to have a small party in your own home. Then discuss that you really don't feel that having that many people at a visit will be beneficial to either your child OR her, which is what the main goal is.

Will she be mad at first? Maybe. Does she need to learn to respect your boundaries. Yes.

[billysmommy]

Oh, Amom, I feel for you. It's tough, but you have to stand your ground. You, more than anyone else I know, take everyone's feelings into consideration - often at the expense of your own. If this makes you feel uncomfortable, DO NOT DO IT. This is your home, your family, and you have to do what's best for all of you.

The way I handled it was by explaining to my kids first mom that I felt it was important to nurture HER relationship with the kids, and that I felt that involving too many other people would be a distraction. I also didn't want to feel that my child would be "on display" (for lack of better words) to a slew of people who would not be a regular part of their lives.

I totally understand the feeling obligated part. There have been times when my life has just been so busy that I don't get a minute for myself, much less for the kids first mom and family - and then I have felt like crap for not getting back to them sooner. It can get overwhelming, like you said.

For those who are on the other side of the triad, I mean no disrespect. I am not dismissing the importance of our children's relationships with their birthfamily. But, I think it is important to respect the aparents, and their right to make a decision based on what is best for their family.

Amom, feel free to PM me or email me.
(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

[AMom2Two]

DS bmom sent me an email saying her mom, sister and new step dad will not be coming this time. She is not getting along with them right now. She wants to bring her Uncle and Aunt to the visit.

I know she already told them they can come and this will look bad for her to have to say no to them after inviting them.

Maybe we can let her know that this ONE time is okay, but not to invite people without talking to us first.

If she wants to bring these folks, it makes me uncomfortable, but if it is after the holiday, then maybe I can deal with it then. I do feel she wants the visit to be very soon, before Christmas, whick is making this whole thing sticker and sticker.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by billysmommy

If this makes you feel uncomfortable, DO NOT DO IT. This is your home, your family, and you have to do what's best for all of you.

(((billysmommy)))

I saw your post after I posted. Thank you so much for your support. I really am uncomfortable allowing more and more people here. If it was a party or a someplace else, fine, but they are not. These visits are in our home.

I just don't want to feel an obligation to any more bfamily members right now. I don't mean that in a disrespect way, only in a way that our family is new and we need to feel like a family first before we can start adding people I don't know. We have 3 birth families we are involved with.

[HBV]

Amom, I think you just answered the question----you tell her that you need for her to discuss other people coming on visits before she invites them, particularly if she refuses to have visits anywhere but your home. (I think that would bother me more than the other issue!)

I respect your feelings on the subject---you need to do what you think is best for your family--- I wanted to offer another perspective. We've introduced baby to extended family on both bmom and bdad's side, and it's been fine. I had an opportunity to ask a lot of questions and to learn things about the bparents that I wouldn't have otherwise, and I appreciate what the extended family adds to the equation. I wouldn't say I've necessarily bonded with the extended family members---like you, that's not terribly important to me--- but I think our willingness to grant a little access in the beginning gave the bparents some additional peace and support about their decision to place the baby. I definitely think it set a good framework for our future relationship with both biological parents. I did have some reservations about some of it, just as you do, but the visits really tapered off for all the extended family after one or two initial rounds. We routinely see bparents and bgrandparents, but that's it.

One other thing to consider---like ours, your bmom is young. Every family's different, of course, but maybe her invitations are an indication that she still expects and/or needs parental/adult involvement in her decisions and her life.

Just something to consider.

I'm with you on the home visits though---when we've met the extended family, it's been out in public.

[loveajax]

AMom, I would be totally overwhelmed by that too.

I recently posted another thread about the flip side of the coin which is that my DD"s birth parents have not told their parents/grandparents/sibs, etc. about DD. That feels kind of weird to me too. On the other hand, DD's birth mom has a HUGE family and I really don't think I would want to have visits with her birth cousins, etc. etc. If she chooses to when she is older, that's great...

I think you are in a pickle with this next visit, but maybe it will give you an opportunity to discuss your true feelings. I hope it goes well!

[Fran27]

Frankly, I think it's rude from her to invite whoever she wants into YOUR home. Definitely speak up and let her know that you're not ok with strangers in your home. I definitely wouldn't be.