[ABWY]

We have a very open adoption. We are particularly close to the birthmother and birthgrandmother. My daughter dressed up as Ariel for Halloween and I emailed pictures to both. I got an email back from birthgrandmother stating "Finally she's a red head like her mama". This comment really hurt my feelings. Like I said, we are extremely close to the birthgrandmother and visit her often (she lives in the next State). I really don't think she meant any disrespect because they have always been great about considering our feelings and it has always been about our daughter and what is in her best interest. Should I bring this up with the birthgrandmother or let it go? Help......

[waiting4amiracle]

This seems to be one of those questions which requires a deft touch irrespective of your decision. Personally, I would consider raising the issue in a non-confrontational manner so the birth-grandmother is aware she hurt you, that you harbor no ill will, and that you wanted to make her aware of the need to continue her vigilence in maintaining a sensitivity to your feelings and the relationship you all have. TO let it go without addressing it, while diplomatic, may leave you in a position at some point in the future where you speak up about a "hurt" and hear the response "I never thought it was soemthing you'd be bothered about." How ever you decide to proceed do so with great care and compassion. Best of luck to you!

Originally Posted by ABWY

We have a very open adoption. We are particularly close to the birthmother and birthgrandmother. My daughter dressed up as Ariel for Halloween and I emailed pictures to both. I got an email back from birthgrandmother stating "Finally she's a red head like her mama". This comment really hurt my feelings. Like I said, we are extremely close to the birthgrandmother and visit her often (she lives in the next State). I really don't think she meant any disrespect because they have always been great about considering our feelings and it has always been about our daughter and what is in her best interest. Should I bring this up with the birthgrandmother or let it go? Help......

[kelceesmom]

Very hard to know when it has not happened to me. If you feel the need to softly say something then you should. You know this person well enough to know how she will take your comment. It sounds like she definately did not mean any disrespect. If this is the first time you could also see if it happens again. Contemplate everything and your answer will come to you as to what you should do. Like Rob says it is a very fine line. Take care.

[bajj]

I remember reading this question on a different board. I agree with most of them, just let it go. I know it seems hurtful and I don't think she meant it that way. If she continues to say things that are hurtful to you then you can tell her how you feel. I don't think she meant any harm, though.

[HBV]

I agree that she probably meant no harm. I also think that while most people are careful about making comments that might be perceived as undermining your role as her mother, they're not nearly as careful if they perceive that the comment has some basis in genetics, like hair or eye color, or size. I guess I understand that, to some degree...I had nothing to do with my son's genetic makeup, so I don't get too bothered by comments about a physical resemblance to one or the other birthparent.

I understand this comment was a little outside that realm, but it sounds as though she was thinking along those lines. I wouldn't let it bother me.

[ABWY]

Thanks so much for the opinions. It is always good to get a different perspective on things. I appreciate it.

[Opting4Adopting]

Our birthfather's mother made a similar comment the last time we spoke...something about our DS' "daddy" (meaning her son)...I figure that within their families they refer to the birthparents as "mom" and "dad", but I think they are usually respectful of our positions in our DS' life.

Kat

[taramayrn]

If she continues to refer to bmom as "mama" you need to address it and set some boundaries, however, since this is the first incident I would let it slide.

[Bobbie Jo]

Let it go! You have no idea what a birthparent goes through and can not possibly imagine anything even close! Please keep that in mind before saying anything.
Thanks,
a concerned birthmother in an open adotion that is now closed

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Bobbie Jo

Let it go! You have no idea what a birthparent goes through and can not possibly imagine anything even close! Please keep that in mind before saying anything.
Thanks,
a concerned birthmother in an open adotion that is now closed

Bobbie Jo, I don't think the op claims to know what a birthparent goes through, but she's here trying to learn. As a participant on this forum, I feel it is my job to help others learn from my experience in a supportive manner. I see you are a birthmother who has had her adoption closed - feel free to stop by the Birthparent Support Forum - you will find a few other women who have similar experiences.

[dutchgirl2]

Yep, it kinda cuts like a knife doesn't it?
We have a very open adoption too and had bgma and first dad (her son) stop by last week to see our daughter. Bgma had not met the baby yet (or us) and kept referring to her son as 'daddy'. As in 'Boy you look like your daddy!', 'Now it's your daddy's turn to hold you', etc.
It felt very strange to me to hear that and I was very thankful that DH was at work because his feelings would have been very hurt indeed.
I said nothing because:
A. It was her first visit to meet her grandbaby.
B. I didn't want to put anyone on the spot and
C. She wasn't doing it to be mean or intentionally hurt my feelings.
An hour after they left I got a call from J (first dad) and he thanked me profusely for letting them drop by on such short notice and also to tell me that he'd had a discussion with his mom and explained that he was not 'daddy' to our daughter. He did not hold that title, that was DH's title to hold. His mom asked him what she should call him then, and he said you just call me 'J', that's what baby girl will call him as she gets older. (We discussed this with J and J previously and asked them what they would like baby girl to call them as she got older).
So I guess my .02 is this, if as you say she meant no disrespect by it then it may be better to just let it go this time. If it's an ongoing thing then sure, diplomatically bring it up and explain how it makes you feel when she says that.

Simone

[thanksgivingmom]

As a bmom, I know that my mother would look at my baby that I have placed and feel that I SHOULD be the "mommy" and would have a very hard time accepting that I am not. She would feel "robbed" of a grandchild.

Clearly, to me at least, these are not the facts...that rather I found my child a woman ready to be a mommy and that someone else was blessed with the experience.

Having said that, if my mother ever gets to meet the baby, she would have that "mommy" moment, and I don't think there is anything I could say to her to get her to not do it...I would not want to do ANYTHING to hurt E's amom, she is my hero and I adore her...so does this mean my mother should never meet her bgrandaughter? Is there a way for me to talk to amom about this to explain and lessen her pain if this happens?

[crick]

Sometimes I think it takes time to reach a point of security if you will, in your title/role. If that makes any sense?

Eventhough my kids were older when they came to us, and two of my kids remember their bparents, when they first came, I was insecure in my role. I was their mom and yet the emotions around it all were overwhelming. When people would ask me or say anything like "bet they miss their mom" or "where's their mom now?" I couldn't help but feeling like a knife just cut through.

But...over time, I've reached a point where these things don't bother me, because to me, they do have 2 mommies and the titles can be shared. The role isn't shared...but the title is. And that's okay. (for me...)

If someone is deliberately trying to undermine me or disrespect me, it's different. But most of the time, I don't feel this is what people are trying to do when they make those comments. kwim? So I agree with the poster who said if it's not an intended disrespect, maybe let it go and if it later turns out to be something more or a continuation, then say something.