[DSmall]

Hello everyone - I am just starting to view this forum as we brought our Ason home in July. However, he just had his 1st Bday and BMom just sent a gift and card. I am fine with all of that as we agreed on a semi-open...meaning there can be correspondance only through photos and letters. Here is my problem...I just read the card and BMom signed it "Love your Mommy and Daddy". This is the first correspondence from her, so I think now is a good time to set some boundries in terms of what she will be to him. I am not OK with her signing that. How have all of you dealt with this? I would love some ideas on how to approach her in our letter that we are sending out this week. Thanks!

[loveajax]

DSmall, this is a tough one....On the one hand, it is so great that your son will have such a warm card from his birth mom, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable with the signatures (I think I would probably feel the same way), I think you should address it.

If you do not communicate by phone, e.g., maybe in your next letter, you could say, "We loved receiving your card and gift for DS. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but we expect to refer to you and birth father as ____ and _____ (Mary and John, e.g.) because DS calls us Mommy and Daddy. I think it would be less confusing for DS if you signed your letters that way -- we would really appreciate it. Obviously, some day if DS meets you in person, we expect it will be his choice what he calls you." Or if you guys talk, maybe you could raise it that way.

GOOD LUCK!!

Originally Posted by DSmall

Hello everyone - I am just starting to view this forum as we brought our Ason home in July. However, he just had his 1st Bday and BMom just sent a gift and card. I am fine with all of that as we agreed on a semi-open...meaning there can be correspondance only through photos and letters. Here is my problem...I just read the card and BMom signed it "Love your Mommy and Daddy". This is the first correspondence from her, so I think now is a good time to set some boundries in terms of what she will be to him. I am not OK with her signing that. How have all of you dealt with this? I would love some ideas on how to approach her in our letter that we are sending out this week. Thanks!

[SchmennaLeigh]

I asked J &D prior to sending anything. I do send cards that say "daughter" (not ever "my" or "our" daughter but more general cards). However, I don't sign "Mom." I sign "Jenna."

Simply tell her that you are uncomfortable with it.

[HBV]

I'm w/ Loveajax---you need to tell them now. Our son's bmom and her parents always sign his cards w/ their first names.

I don't mean to hijack the post, just to empathize. Usually we have no issues w/ bmom at all. I did have to catch my breath a little on Sunday---she had come to our adoption agency's fundraiser walk and ran into someone she knew from school---an adoptee of another family, I think. He asked her if she was there because she was adopted, and she pointed at H, in my arms, and said, no, I'm not adopted, that's my son. I've never heard her say "my son" before. I wanted to say, no, he's mine!

I didn't. I knew what she was trying to communicate, and he is her son----she gave birth to him. He's our son, too, because we're raising him. The more I read this forum, the less I think that the two claims are mutually exclusive.

[DSmall]

Thank you so much guys...I am finding so much support on this board. I am finding a new "forum home"...

Keep the ideas coming!

[kelceesmom]

I believe I would be uncomfortable with that also. I believe that you need to set bounderies now rather than later. It could get into a big mess with them saying but it never bothered you before....

I would aproach it gently with something like, we will always make sure that our son knows that you are his bparents and in our home we are calling you Jane & John. We do not want to confuse him at such a young age and we know it is probably just natural for you but, we would appreciate greatly if you would sign your cards and letters this way also.

[DSmall]

Kelseesmom, that is exactly what I am going to write! I like the part about is "confusing" him...that will get my point across gently and loving.

[Marmy_4]

giving birth doesnt make a woman a mother....giving a child up for adoption doesnt make her less of one...

just remember to reasure her that you are not taking away from her value. giving a child is probably one of the most emotionaly draining experiences ever...

maybe comming up with a term of endearment instead of "mommy and daddy" would be more suitable and less painful for both.

[Lynard1210]

I think I'm going to play devil's advocate . . just to bring a different viewpoint. I totally agree that if you are severly uncomfortable with the signatures that you may want to speak up . . . but let's look at it another way. If the the only contact you have is in writing and the only thing your child will likely have on his/her 18th birthday are writings, pictures, etc., then what's the big deal? Just because they call themselves "mommy and daddy" does not make them mommy and daddy. You are mommy and your husband is daddy. Period. This card, when your child sees it some day, may bring him some loving acceptance and may help him feel less abandoned by the b-parents. And you allowing him to have it, would show your security in the knowledge that you are his parents and that you love him enough to allow him to see any and all documents that were sent to him - even the ones you deem inappropriate. It will go a long way in allowing your child to feel trusted in making his own judgments about who is parents are. And coming from an adoptee, the answer in my own life are the people that raised me - my "real" parents.

[rykyki]

Just weighing in here....We have had a very open adoption with our daughter's birthmom since her birth nine years ago. Birthmom always referred to herself by her first name, as did we, and things were great until she decided to parent her second child, born when our daughter was 6. Birthmom has now decided to discontinue all visits with us. She sent our daughter a birthday card, unfortunately mispelling her name, and signed it Love, Mommy-she ne
ver did this before. Our daughter wrote her a thank you and signed it YOUR BIRTHDAUGHTER. Very interesting, huh?

[redbonec]

I would also be uncomfortable with the signature. I like how Denice stated it...seemed kind but stated your point of view as well.

[teegrainca]

DSmall -

We have been bouncing around what our DD should call her first mom and dad. I am still uncomfortable referring to them when we are all in a room together... or when I hold DD up to the phone so her birthmom can hear her babble, I am a little stumped at what to call her.

We have a close relationship with DD's original family but I still struggle with what they should be called. I asked birthmom about it and she didn't know either. Aunt and Uncle don't seem appropriate. Mom and Dad are out of the question for us... there can only be 1 Mommy and one Daddy IMHO.

I read somewhere on here, I think, that a child called his/her birth mom and birth dad, "bmom" and "bdad". I thought that was a cute endearment and not quite the same as mommy and daddy.

In the end, I believe that in time DD will help us figure out what is best.

But I agree with everyone else. You should really communicate with her birthparents on this one and let them know how you feel. Best of luck!

Karen

[Opting4Adopting]

I totally agree with Kelseesmom...

When DS' birthparents came to our home (for the only visit they've ever made our way) a month after DS was born, I brought up to them what they wanted to call themselves to DS. Birthmom said that she thought she could be MommaDxxx and birthfather could be DaddyTxx...
Even though I was feeling serious insecurities, I told them that I felt that using "Mom" or "Dad" (or any version of them) in their names would "confuse" DS when he was old enough to understand...
The subject was dropped with them not choosing any kind of special title and we just refer to them by their names...
They don't refer to our DS as "son" around us, but I'm sure they do within their families....

Kat

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

We had this come up recently. Fortunately in our adoption agreement is specifically states that b-family is to respect our roles as mother and father. This being kind of stated, I talked to bio-gma about what b-mom might feel comfortable being called. Kind of on her won she started signing everything Auntie-(name). It works for our situation.

[DSmall]

Thanks everyone! In our agreement it is stated that it is mine and my husband's decision as to the contact details as well. So, I think that upon finalization in Jan. we will contact her and let her know that we don't want our son being confused by a name with "mom or dad" in it. We have agreed that we want her to just sign her name. Our agreement is considered "open" just because we met before placement and have recieved her social and medical history. Our contact agreement is only letters and pics once a year. So, I think that this will not be much of an issue until DS is older and desires a relationship with Bmom. Then, we can allow him to make this decision with our support.