[loveajax]

I am wondering if anyone has an open adoption with birth parents in a situation where the birth parents did not tell their families about the pg/birth/adoption?

It obviously has not been an "issue" so far since DD is 17 months....but I just think it may be sort of strange for her to know that she is a big "secret," esp. in a situation where she will see her birth parents/sister at least one time/year.

I know it is not my "place," but should I encourage birth parents to tell their families? How "open" can our adoption be if this is looming out there.....I obviously want her to know her other birth relatives if someday she chooses to??? TIA.

[lahdh4]

I can only tell you of my situation and noone, with the exception of brother and sil, know about J. It took me awhile to tell them and I just don't feel comfortable yet in telling the rest of the family. Right now it is something I am trying to work through and deal with to them. Right now I cannot handle my own emotions that I won't be able to listen to my family when I tell them.

[loveajax]

Thanks, Leigh.

I still can't believe that DD's birth mom's family did not know she was pg (she saw them all the time, and at least to me, she was visibly pg! She used to wear big sweatshirts and the like).

I was never really clear as to why she and birth dad did not tell their families, except I expect it was because the families would have disapproved.....(they do have another daughter, so I don't think it was a "disapproval" over the pg, but prob over the adoption)

In a way, it makes things less "complicated" for us since our DD's birth family (and their families) live relatively close, and I don't think (at least now), I would want to have visits, meetings, etc. with them as well (I barely have time to visit with my mom, sibs, etc!). I obviously will respect whatever the birth parents decide to do....

[redbonec]

Our daughter's birthmother only told her mother and three friends. Aside from them and the doctor, no one else knew. Her father found out the day after she delivered. (Bmom's mom had told him when she came home! It was fine.)

No one else knows. Her brother does not know. Her two children (middle school aged) do not know. She was in bed the last three months of pregnancy, due to contractions. If she was out of bed, she would keep a pillow on her stomach if she sat on the couch.

I also used to wonder if I should talk to her about the decision to keep it secret. But, I have decided, her reasons are her reasons. One big reason is that she knows this is such a crucial age for her children, and does not know how this would affect them. She does plan on telling them later, perhaps in a few years.

I also wonder later how this will affect our daughter. I don't know if I will speak of our daughter's children to her before they know, because if she asks about meeting them (we have met with birthmom once already and her mother for a visit), I also do not want her thinking about how she is a secret, like you mentioned.

I don't know how the chips will fall when they do. When her children are told, we can only see then if they are angry or will be eager to meet her.

[loveajax]

Redbonec, that is another issue we have too...DD's sister is now 4....I don't think DD's birth mom has explained that they are sisters. At the time of our next meeting, DD's sister will be 4.5 and I suspect would have some rudimentary understanding of what it means to have a sister, etc. But then I think, "Won't DD's birth parents be worried that DD's sister will "slip" and say something to families," etc....It's complicated! I hope the chips fall in the right place for you too!!

[SchmennaLeigh]

My Husband (not the birth father)'s paternal side of the family didn't know about the Munchkin for a very long time. It was draining on the both of us. Josh told them this past summer.

Secrets have a way of outing themselves, anyway. Just because someone isn't ready to tell someone now doesn't mean that they won't later. I had to become comfortable with my role as a birthmother before I allowed others to enter into my world.

[loveajax]

And on the flip side, Leigh, DH and I are also keeping our visits with the birth family "secret" (they know we write, send pix, etc.)....This is really as a result of a couple of things: DH's feeling like it will be DD's place to tell our extended family about visits if she decides to (DH is himself adopted, and thinks he knows "best" sometimes - - annoying!) and frankly, the "uneasiness" I think our (relatively old) parents would have with the thoughts of visits (why? not sure, "old school" stuff). I hate secrets....hate 'em...they eat me up...

[lahdh4]

I hate them as well and that is something that my therapist and I are working on. I only remember my moms reaction to when my brothers girfriend (now wife) was pregnant and they told her. I think because of her reaction I don't want to tell anyone in my family. Funny thing is J's bdad's family (most of them that I know personally) do know about J. B told them one night when he was having a hard time about it but he doesn't want me to send them pictures.

[loveajax]

Leigh, I'm glad you are working on that in counseling.

Sometimes I think I really need to talk to a professional about some of the stuff I am feeling/dealing with (my DH just last night "found" his birth mom, not contacted her yet, and it is really, really emotional -- I don't know what he is going to do yet).

I obviously only "know" about being an a mom and married to an adoptee, but I am very aware of the pain and loss that is involved in adoption...not just on the birth family side but also on the adoptee side. It was so weird to "discover" things about DH's birth family and realize that he should simply have known these things all his life (imo).

It's funny because I was thinking last night, would Dh's birth mom like to see pictures of him/me/our DD? I can't help but think that (at a minimum) she would and that she would want to know how he is doing. I have to keep remembering that when I think about trying to "spare" DD's birth mom stuff and realize that I am sure she is glad to know how well DD is doing, how happy she is, how much she has bonded with our families, etc....

[lahdh4]

OMG!! I am soo happy that he found her!! IMO I think that counseling is good for all involved. With talking with E some other things have come up and I have been seeing her for the past 2 years on an almost weekly basis. We are covering alot of stuff and lately most of it is not adoption related. I think it could help you understand where he comes from since he doesn't want anyone in your extended family to know.
I know that J's extended family has a hard time dealing with open adoption. They have said as much to my therapist when I had her call them on some stuff I couldn't handle. I should say they are doing educating on their side since they still think I will "take" J back.
To me -- I told them that I wanted to see pictures of J with everyone. I mean be realistic. She isn't going to always be smiling (wrong girl is a camera ham ), she will not always be clean and there will be family around. So I have a picture with J and dad, J and mom, an uncle, friend and cousin. It shows me her "real" life so to speak.
Sorry for rambling

[loveajax]

Not rambling, at all! I appreciate your comments and insight!!

I think that misperception (the "taking back" of the baby ala Lifetime Movies) is one of the reasons my parents might "wig" if they knew about our visits. But they have surprised me so far (in a good way) so I really do want to tell them soon!

[lahdh4]

Oh I hope that you do!!!

[browneyes0707]

Loveajax:

I know you know some of my story, and I am one of those b-moms who have kept my DD a secret. I can't tell you how much I hate it. I was so emotionally screwed up during my pregnancy, largely in part that b-dad was less than supportive, one minute he was telling me he was there for me, the next minute when I went to him he insulted me or told me I was a liar or flat out refused to talk to me. Mind you , there was nothing that happened in the relationsnhip to make him not trust me, I was kind of stupid for him, KWIM? So the back and forth left me emotionally drained. I also could not believe that he refused to take responsibility, if he would have just walked away it would have been better than what I went through. I was so naive, and I kept thinking if my childs own father won't be there for me, what's to say anyone else will? I realize now that I'm older that it wasn't true, but in my 17 year old highly emotional state, another rejection was something I could not handle. It helped that I was in college 800 miles from home, and I was not carrying big and leggings and flannels were in style.

Now that I am in contact with my daughter's a-mom again, I realize that the secret has to come out. It willhard enough for my DD to understand all the circumstances about her adoption, I'm sure, how do I tell her that I'm hiding her from my family? I'm sure that would hurt her greatly, like I'm ashamed of her, and that would break my heart to have her think that. I don't know the first thing about how I'm going to do this, I'm not good expressing myself vocally, and opening up, so therapy for me wouldn't help (I'm the master of "I'm OK, I'm fine! when I'm not!) so these forums have been a tremendous help to me in terms of purging emotionally and preparing myself for each step in this journey. I'm not ready right now to handle the fallout emotionally, and ironically my daughter's A-mom is keeping my communication a secret from DD until she can handle it emotionally. All these secrets....

One thing tho, my daughter's A mom did ask me if I ever told my parents, and mentioned that she never felt comfortable with that, but she was afraid to interfere because she wanted my DD so much. I told her I agreed that I hated the secret too, but in reality things would have been different. Had I told my parents during christmas break when I was supposed to, they never would have sent me back to school, and I never would have learned from my roomate upon my return that her sister's friend wanted to adopt. it doesn't make it OK, but this is why I always say i have no regrets, because one little do over could have changed things dramatically!

Sorry so long, sometimes when I start, it just all comes out, LOL!!!!

[loveajax]

Thanks, Browneyes.....You are such a lovely woman. I know how secrets can "eat you up." I also cannot imagine being pg when I was in college. I would have probably had an abortion (god! I hate to say that, but I dunno) and certainly could not have told my parents (they were sending me to an expensive Catholic college!). I am sorry your DD's birth father was a knucklehead!

I have always found that being "open" and honest IMMEDIATELY is easy, it's when things are swept under the rug even for a little while that I get filled with dread!

I am so glad that you are communicating with your DD's amom and that is going well!

[browneyes0707]

Thanks Love, I try!

Actually, it's weird that you should say that about college. When I found out I was pg the few weeks before I left, my friends all pushed me towards abortion, it wasn't a verbal thing, it was just assumed that I would do that, and I was so numb I went along with it. DD's b-dad being a knucklehead actually bought me time (I couldn't pay for the proceedure myself I needed his help and he kept bailing on me) and I had to go to college still pregnant, 800 miles away in a whole new part of the country. that's where my new friends kept asking what my choice was, it was such an eye opener, i forgot that I had a choice, and that I wasn't comfortable with the choice everyone had made for me. Oddly enough, a few years later b-dad confessed that he was glad I chose adoption, because he's actually against abortion, but never told me. (don't know why he never did )

See? Everything does happen the way it does for a reason. Baby steps, and I hope everything works out for you !