[browneyes0707]

It's intersting that this has come up. In the last e-mail that I got from my daughter's a-mom, she was talking about how DD was not ready to start a reunion with her birthparents, and she mentioned in a way how she wasn't ready to hear certain things come from DD, and she mentioned that she knew that might sound selfish. I told her in my response that I didn't think she was being selfish at all, and even so , in this process everyone is a little selfish, whether it be me wanting to know DD or DD eventually wanting to know her history, or a-mom wanting it to be just her and DD for the rest of their lives. Everyone's entitled to it. And although my situation is a bit different (I guess you could say I'm in reunion with DD's a-mom after a closed open adoption) I felt even more respect that she could be honest with me like that. It brought about a new awareness of how she feels right now.

So you're not alone. I would think it's pretty normal to feel that way. I think it's great that you can recognize it and express it here, so that it doesn't fester into something that could harm the relationship. I'm finding as well that there aren't may people outside of the adoption "triad" that can truly understand the situation, especially open adoptions, but I think it's great that your committed to making it work!!

[mommamarci]

Okay, last night Cameron's first mom, E, called. We talked for an hour! The relationship is really growing. (A little background: Cameron was placed with us when he was 10 days old. E had already signed away rights. We were an agency pick after her choice backed out. We did not meet E until Cameron had been with us for almost a week.) So, E has an 18 month old that she is parenting. Last night she was giving me parenting advice. It made me feel funny because she is not just a person on the street that I can dismiss. I feel like I need to put more weight on what she says. My dh says I just need to listen to what she says, but I have no obligation to actually use her advice if I don't think it is good for us.

It is just an odd relationship that we are developing here. Both of us are feeling our way through. I think we will end up with a wonderful, strong friendship.

[teegrainca]

Wow.... there are some really beautiful, thought provoking, emotional and inspiring responses here. Thank you all so much... it just goes to show you, this forum can definitely be like "group therapy".

I appreciate so much all of your positive feedback. Again, it's nice to know that I am not alone.

Just as a follow up, I talked to my daughter's first mom this week. She and first dad are coming to visit us for the weekend of Thanksgiving and I am really looking forward to it. I miss her. We were very close during the adoption process, but due to some issues she has back home, we've been less able to maintain that relationship. Sometimes I think that maybe it's better that way, and other times I think that this would all be so much more natural if we had as much time for eachother as we had 6 months ago.

In any event... when we talked, she told me that she was looking at pictures of DD and that she sees how happy she is and how she is provided for in a way that she couldn't possibly do.... and that it made her happy. WOW... That made me feel amazing. I know that she has a lot of sadness in her for her loss in this but for her to also feel happy for us and for DD... well, that just shows you the kind of person she is.

Sometimes sharing is easy... sometimes, those feelings creep in of insecurity and selfishness. Why I am so grateful for your responses is because, I think, going forward I can recognize these feelings as normal and not beat myself up for having them. And when the mood strikes, share my feelings here with people who know and care.

-Karen

[myheart]

Originally Posted by teegrainca

Sometimes sharing is easy... sometimes, those feelings creep in of insecurity and selfishness. Why I am so grateful for your responses is because, I think, going forward I can recognize these feelings as normal and not beat myself up for having them. And when the mood strikes, share my feelings here with people who know and care.
-Karen

I understand completely!
I just wanted you to know that our experiences in adoption are ever evolving. Feelings do become easier to deal with, as time goes by. What bothered us in the begining may not bother us __years down the line. We're going on almost 8 years in this adoption world and those feelings have pretty much subsided.
Please, always share! I have learned that when I share my experiences with others I also heal. So, by talking about your experiences and wanting someone to help you heal you are helping others in their healing process.
"Group therapy".....Truly!

[lconner1176]

Hi,
My husband and I are flying to Phoenix to meet a wonderful pregnant woman who is considering relinquishing. She has two sons already and is only considering relinquishing this third. She wants a very open adoption. At first we were uncomfortable with the idea, but now, after many email exchanges, I feel like I know her and we both really like her and think we can make her part of our life, in order for the child to have what is best> Of course I struggle with the feelings of jealousy and everything you point out above...it is kind of scary and my fears have been perfectly expressed by you. I always have a deep feeling for the birthmother's loss and pain of separation. Reading your beautiful words was oddly soothing because I know it is the truth and you are incredibly strong and honest not only to realize these things, but to speak openly of them and the pain and the tear of the 'knife'....Thank you for your beautiful honesty and I hope your child's life is filled with more love than pain of separation. As it is said, the ultimate adoption scenario is "love doubled, not divided"...

[Opting4Adopting]

I had major insecurities about DS's birthparents until our adoption was finalized...actually they started subsiding the more I felt like I WAS his Mom...nothing makes you feel more like Mom than rocking a baby at 3 in the morning or being thrown up on! ;-)

I think that the majority of these feelings will lessen for you as time goes on...though I can't say that there won't always be a little dig into your heart whenever you hear a birthparent call themselves "mom" or "dad" or refer to you DC as "my son" or "my daughter"....but just wait until your DC calls you "momma"...boy will your heart swell then! ;-)

Kat

[myheart]

[quoOpting4Adopting]
nothing makes you feel more like mom than rocking a baby at 3 in the morning or being thrown up on! ;-)[/quote]


I don't mind the baby throw up.....but the 7year old puking on you after eating a 6 piece mighty kids meal at McDonalds...Well,.lets just say, "My gag reflexes are working".


My poor angel this is the 3rd time hes caught the flu, in 2months.

[Opting4Adopting]

I don't mind the baby throw up.....but the 7year old puking on you after eating a 6 piece mighty kids meal at McDonalds...Well,.lets just say, "My gag reflexes are working".

LOL!

I hear ya! Now that DS is turning 2...it's not as "ok"

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by browneyes0707

So you're not alone. I would think it's pretty normal to feel that way. I think it's great that you can recognize it and express it here, so that it doesn't fester into something that could harm the relationship. I'm finding as well that there aren't may people outside of the adoption "triad" that can truly understand the situation, especially open adoptions, but I think it's great that your committed to making it work!!

((Browneyes)) Thanks for sharing!!! Thanks for saying you feel it's normal. At times, I still struggle with this also. It really helps to talk about it so that we know we are not alone. It's hard to be honest with one another, but when we are, it's a good thing so we each know how the other is feeling.

Thank you ((teegraincal)) for talking about this and starting this thread. You have helped me by posting this also.

Originally Posted by teegrainca

.

I feel selfish and silly. I love our daughter and want her to be healthy and happy physically and emotionally... and I think we are doing our best at helping her be that by choosing an open adoption. I would never share these feelings with her birth family... I wouldn't want them to feel uncomfortable expressing themselves. I guess I just wonder if anyone else feels the way I do from time to time... and if I am going to have to fight these demons for the next... rest of my life.

I have been and remain totally committed to open adoption, even though I don't find it easy all of the time. Is there anyone who has felt the way I do? Do you have any words of advice?

I feel exactly the way you do. It come and goes. With my dd adoption now at 5 years, things are very easy between us but with my son's adoption which is now our second year, it's still very hard for me and I fight the feelings like you do teegrainca

Originally Posted by bromanchik

The following was written by on of my favorite adoptive mothers/friend. I think it might speak to you in a way I cannot.



This severing, this incision made in "motherness" brings everyone deep pain. I do not usually talk about the pain I feel in being the other mother. I don't talk about it because really, ultimately, I have gained so much joy from my children's' adoptions that it seems wrong to dwell on it. In addition, I know my pain to be minor compared to the pain that Jack's birth mother feels.

But I am going to talk about my pain here because too little that is honest is ever said about the pain experienced by adoptive parents. And what we don't talk about twists our hearts in ugly knots. It turns us into neurotic animals driven by jealousy.



I love both of my children to distraction. And there is a part of my heart that wishes, very deeply, that there was no challenge to my "motherness." That part of me wants to be the only mother. My biggest loss in adoption is the loss of singularity as a mother. I cannot regret the loss of genetically related children; how could I in the face of my two, beautiful children? But I will never be the "one and only" mother for them.
And as we reconnect birth and adoptive families and the two mothers come face to face, we must also acknowledge that our differences make telling the truth difficult sometimes. Our ages, the families that raised us, what we do, our ethnicities, where we live...the list of our differences could go on and on.

This is exactly what I am going thru now. Thank you ((Brenda)) for sharing this here.

I have been struggling with my ds adoption. Not understanding why I find it easy with my dd and so hard for my ds. When I read the article Brenda share, it all made sense to me now. I wanted him to be all mine. I wanted to be his only mother. I willingly and lovingly shared my dd because I got to meet her bmom and form a bond with her at the time of placement, but for my son, that did not happen and it was easy to pretend she didn't truly want him when I didn't see her pain.

My son came to me as a closed adoption. Even though I wanted an open adoption for my second child, it did not turn out that way in the beginning. Can I say a part of me was secretly happy when I found out his bmom wanted no contact. A part of me thought, he is ALL MINE. I rejoiced in that small notion for a couple of months. This is ONE child that I will not have to share, that will not have another mother in his life like my dd. I didn't realize this until I read Brenda's article. I never put it to words. I thought I was missing the genetic link to my children, but that never felt right to ME since I have no regretts about not having bio. children, but I do have regretts about not being their only mother, that is what I think I have to greive, if I may say that.

After having my son for 3 months, I put my feelings aside because I didn't want my son to see his sister having this relationship and for him to feel as if he was not loved by his bfamily. So I wrote to his bmom and I asked her to consider having an open adoption with us.

I heard nothing back until the day she showed up on my doorstep and introduced herself as my son's mother. ............. That started the second most emotional journey of my life. Part of me resented myself for doing this. Then part of me felt for her, thought she was a nice person and I wanted my son to know his roots, but another part of me sulked and twisted and hung with uncertainity because now I WILL NEVER BE the only mother to my children.

I see now that I also threw barriers into this relationship which I caution others not to do. I might have made it harder and while we are still trying to find our common ground, I feel as if I twist and turn with emotion about it all and we are having a rough time finding our way.

Reading the article Brenda shared with us, helped me understand why I was feeling so twisted. Why I feel this way. I thank you ((teegrainca)) for sharing your feelings with us and ((Brenda)) for sharing that article.

I do have peace in that I know what ((My heart)) speaks about is true..

Originally Posted by myheart

I understand completely!
I just wanted you to know that our experiences in adoption are ever evolving. Feelings do become easier to deal with, as time goes by. What bothered us in the begining may not bother us __years down the line. We're going on almost 8 years in this adoption world and those feelings have pretty much subsided.

I know when my dd open adoption started, I was a little uneasy wondering where do I fit in now. Each visit I had struggles with, things she said bothered me or I took something the wrong way. Then a funny thing happened. I started to look forward to the visits and really started to enjoy them.

I wondered why I couldn't feel this way about my sons bmom. I felt alone and if not for this thread and this forum, I felt as if I was lacking as an open adoption mother because I WAS NOT at peace with it all. I felt I was a fraud but my heart is sincere, so it was so confusing.

At times, those feelings do sneak up on you and as Jenna talked about they pass and it's normal. I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE NORMAL. I thought if I was a GOOD open adoption Mother, I wouldn't feel those feelings and when I did, I did not like myself and I became angry and lashed out at others when really I was upset with myself for not being able to handle this better.

((Teegrainca)) your not alone. There are so many more like us that are not bad people or shouldn't feel guilty for how we feel, it is all normal. I know ((My heart)) is right. In time it will become easier. It does help to be able to talk about them in the right place. To be with others who understand and are in the 'SAME BOAT".

I hope some part of this has helped you. We are here for you and I thank you for helping me see the light.