[SweetMamaMe]

Okay, waaaaaay long story short: we started off with a way open adoption for about a year. Things really started going sour after the 1st 4 months of weekly visits, but we maintained as long as we could. Then we decided that we wanted to continue visits, but only when a counselor was present. Bmom refused and said we would never hear or see from her again if we did that. We were adamant that no more visits take place unless we had a counselor, and sure enough, we didn't hear from her or see bmom for a little over a year. She contacted with news that she was pregnant, seemed like she got her life together, etc. We had one visit (adults only, with a counselor) and since then she's been emailing or calling for visits, and when we get close to setting something up with a counselor, she gets snippy and we don't hear from her again for months. Basically, she's trying to 'weasel' (for lack of a better word) in visits with no counselor and she is angry that we are sticking our ground on this. I finally told her in the last email that again, we just want to make sure that nothing is said AGAIN that will hurt our daughter like the last visits we had with her. She commented that we just don't want her to see dd, but we DON"T MIND that she sees dd, it just has to be in the presence of a counselor. At the very least until the trust is built back up! So, my question is, how long do I let this keep going on? How many chances do we give her? DD is not even 4 yet, so she doesn't even know we were trying to schedule visits, but our plans for her do not include keeping her in the dark about possible visits, etc. She's too smart for that. However, later I don't want her getting hurt if bmom keeps pulling this mess!!! I'm about at the point of giving up, gathering as much info as I can forever, or until dd decides she wants to 'meet' her bfamily again. Has anybody been through this that can share? THANK YOU!

[Dmommab]

You are in a difficult situation but you need to remember that what is best for your child is what needs to happen. I would place the ball in birthmom's court and tell her the ONLY way visits will happen is if there is a counselor present. Tell her to give you a day & time when she wants to visit & you will set everything up - if she does not contact you with the time and day then there will be no visit - plain & simple - it's her choice. Good luck!

[kelceesmom]

I don't have any words of advice because our bparents have decided not to stay in touch. As a family unit you need to do what is in the best interest of your child. You don't sound like you are closed to changing the perameters if she were to show you she has changed. As for how long you will only know that if she has changes that you are happy with. You have to do what is best for your daughter. Good luck.

[loveajax]

Do you have any kind of written "agreement"? If not, and you feel like it is necessary to have visits with a counselor until trust is built back up, then you are making a parenting decision. I know it's hard, but if that's what you think is best for your child, you should stick to it. Maybe it makes sense to write out exactly how you are feeling/what you are doing to dd's birth mom. That way, in the future, she won't be able to say that you were being "unfair," tried to block contact, etc. (?). Anyway, I am sorry you are struggling with this. Karen

[SweetMamaMe]

Thanks for all the sweet replies. We are totally sticking to our plan, I'm just tired of her contacting us, off and on, for visits, then never following through because she's mad that we are enforcing the counselor thing. If she does this, off and on, forever I think my head will pop! Do I say...'look, let's stay in touch via email, letters, our website, whatever, but please quit saying you want visits, then never following through with them?" It's really causing us (dh and I) a LOT of heartache because we get so hopeful, and excited (leery, too), then nothing happens and we don't hear from her. I don't want little one to go through that as she gets older, you know? ON the other hand, I don't want to lose contact with her and anytime we try to talk to her about something like this, she gets mad and breaks off contact until she's done pouting. It will work out, I guess, I'm just so darn frustrated right now, and so tired of her games.

[kelceesmom]

Maybe think of it this way. She has good intentions to see your little girl but for whatever reason she can't. Don't blame her for her short comings she is who she is. It is very hard for people to change although they can if they want it bad enough. Find your inner peace with her and until proven different don't have any expectations. Hard I know but it will be less painful for you in the future. You have no control over her motions just for your daughters wellfare at this point. Good luck.

[SweetMamaMe]

You're right, I just wish she wouldn't put us through this to try and break us down on visits with no counselor. It's our fault because we let her break us down on so many other things in the past, and on this we are not budging. Thanks again to all!

[shy_bear]

We had entered into what we thought was going to be an open adoption with our youngest daughter's birthmom. I won't bore you will all the details, but she will never change and it is my job at this point to protect the well being of my child. She called me about a month and a half ago begging for forgiveness about her past behavior, things are diff. now, etc etc.
She was going to get a letter in the mail with pics of her new baby and she would call me in a week or so. Never heard from her. I will not allow her to talk to our child. When my baby is older birthmom can explain why she behaved the way she did. And my daugher can process in her own way. If your daughter's bmom won't go by the guidelines you have set you then it is her loss. You are still more than willing to allow visits,just with some rules. Stick to your guns on this.

[SweetMamaMe]

Thanks, guys!

[bromanchik]

I don't know what birthmom did or the particulars of termination, but it could very well be tht she is now ambivilant about visits and is using your insistance on a counselor as an excuse to get out of them. Visits can be very difficult for some birthparents, but coming out and saying that they have a hard time seeing their child is unacceptable to most people, birthparents included. This might be giving her an "out", so to speak.

[ouska]

Just keep to your guns, you know what is best for your family.
Peggy

[SweetMamaMe]

Brenda~what you said has been suggested by the adoption counselors we've spoken with. Even the things she was doing, prior to us insisting on counseled visits, I wondered if this was her way of pushing us out without having to deal with the guilt of saying she couldn't deal with visits. It doesn't explain why she initiates visits, then gets mad when we won't bend on the counselor thing. And I'm idiotic enough to believe her, every time, that things are different, she's had some time to think, it's going to work this time, etc...and I'm tired of getting let down. And now, it's not just us, our dd is getting older and anderstands a WHOLE lot more. I don't want her to go through this becuase I'm guessing it would be way worse on her than it is on us. Not only that, but then she tells family and friends that we just won't let her see dd. Nothing else, just that we won't let her. Then I take a step back and see that she really does this with everyone in her life, why did I think we would all be any different? You know, this little guy ---> is just perfect. Sorry for venting. I just miss her, love her, while all at the same time disgusted and angry with her. Thanks for listening. You guys rock.

[karaleah]

I highly recommeng reading In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People

My dd's bmom is seriously manipulative, and I found that book to be really helpful.

Hang in there...
Shari

[SweetMamaMe]

I read the reviews on amazon and it sounds pretty interesting! The reviews seem to be pretty positive. Thank you for the information.