[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I know I was kind of a schmuck this year because I did not do anything for b-mom for Mother's Day. For one, she was/is in an in-patient treatment center and unable to accept mail from people who are not on her contact list. But, bio-grandma contacted me about a week before Mother's Day to give me her address at the center. For another, we were right in the middle of moving, and further more we got the keys to our new house at 8:45pm and DH was scheduled for major surgery at 6:00am the following morning. After this he was laid up for 3 weeks while I completed the move...and watched the kids to boot. So, yes, I screwed up on Mother's Day...but I have sent her letters and pictures since.

Anyway, I received a letter from her today...it was actually written to "Bear". It stated to please have your picture taken in the outfit I bought you so that I can see how you look in it. She also "reminded" him that her b-day was on 9/XX and she would be 16! OK about the outfit...easy enough to do, but really not exactly easy to remember when I am running after 2 little guys all day long. I will, however, remember the next time he is wearing it to take a pic. But, the comment about her b-day?? Maybe I am taking it wrong. Maybe it is just her age? I don't know. I just feel like I am being made to feel obligated to do something for her b-day.

Yes, we have an open adoption agreement. But I do not recall anything that said we needed to celebrate b-mom's milestones in life. I know that sounds bitter, but...except for my Mother's Day screw up (which I didn't even get so much as a card myself because of the chaos)...we have gone beyond the open adoption agreement. This despite the fact that she has done nothing to keep up her end.

Maybe part of my frustration is the way Bear's family acts toward the rest of our kids. (we just had a visit recently) They just kind of say "hi" in passing and run over the top of them to get to him. They don't even acknowlege them as Bear's siblings. They are just "the girls and Bug". I realize HE is their bio family, but I will not have a rift between my kids because of this. The girls already feel it and have made comment. Probably because they are "the girls" and they don't even bother calling them by their names.

So, what would you do? Do you send your b-mom a b-day card? I mean I didn't even know her b-day was this month until I got the letter. I mean I knew from his file, but I did not memorize it or mark it on a calendar.

[HBV]

We do. Her birthday is actually just a month after H's. Last year I took her to lunch and got her a small gift. Believe me, I can empathize with the schedule and the reluctance to add ANYTHING else to the "to do" list---you have your hands full--- but it might actually help improve the relationship.

I think I was pretty self absorbed at 16, so I'd probably cut her some slack for her age and send her a card and a little gift. Our coordinator told me something that's kind of stuck with me---she said "You know, you're really getting a baby AND a teenager here---you have an opportunity to be a mentor to her." So that's how we decided to look at our relationship with H's bparents---as an opportunity.

[billysmommy]

I seem to remember that at 16, birthdays were a pretty big deal......I think it's just the age. It could also be that she assumes you will be saving the letters for him to read later and then he will know when her birthday is and/or when the letter was written.
I did send my kids first mom a gift for her first birthday after placement because it was only a month after our son was born and I wanted her to know we were thinking of her. Now, we usually just send a card from us and one from the kids, and I have them call her. If I haven't sent pictures in a while, I will send a framed picture or something along those lines.

[bajj]

Just wanted to send you a hug!

[xillini]

We sent ds's bmom a card for her bday, no gift. Maybe you can send a "sweet 16" card to her with your ds's handprint on it?

[loveajax]

Actually, I did not this year, nor did I send a mom's day card (which was around the time of her birthday). I know that sounds terrible, but we were planning on our annual visit the following week, and we gave her and her DH (DD's birth dad) a nice wedding gift there. I also called her that weekend.

One of the reasons why I didn't, I guess, is because we provide quarterly updates (letters and pix) and when I think about adding in all the holidays/birthdays, etc., it seems overwhelming (mostly because I am a very disorganized person and would hate to "start" and then miss one!).

But I think in the case where birth mom is 16, it probably would be nice to at least send a card!

Good luck, Karen

[redbonec]

I think a birthday card would be nice. The way you described her "reminding" him of her birthday reminded me of me! I have always loved celebrating or even thinking about my birthday! It is just such a happy day. When our SW came to visit today, I told her I would be 35 tomorrow! I just got off the phone with my father-in-law, and I don't know if he remembered, and I came so close to telling him! Not that I wanted him to do anything, I am just excited!
One idea--I do love phone messages on my birthday. I play them several times and keep them on there for quite a while. Maybe she would enjoy that?
Just some thoughts!

[SchmennaLeigh]

I get a card. And sometimes flowers.

I like cards. And flowers.

Heck, I like a phone call. !

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I don't know why I was thinking about this today...but I was just curious...do you receive anything from the b-parent on your b-day? Or, as a b-parent, do you send the a-parent a card or something? Like I said, I was just curious. I am going to get our b-mom a card and send it.

[mom2GRLC]

Well, think back to when you were a kid. The three main birthdays are 1, 16 and 21. At least that has been my impression. My younger sister just turned 16 in March and I heard about that for several months before hand. So I think that a lot of it is just her age and her excitement about the big day. No, I don't think you are obligated to give her anything or even send her a card. I guess my reasons on that are if you do it once then maybe she will expect it each year and be dissapointed when you don't send her anything. What you might do is find a moment to take that picture of him in his new outift and send that to her along with a little update and in it just tell her "happy Birthday, hope you have a wondeful day" or somthing simple like that.

Think about your relatives....what do you do for them? I know for me I am terrible about sending anything each year even christmas cards,not to mention fathers day cards/mothers day cards birthday cards..etc!!! So just do what feels comfortable for you. From the tone of your post it sounds like you already know that it's not something you have time to do or even want to do (given her lack of communication and everything on her part). So I would just keep it simple and stick to your original agreement. Remember you are the one setting the boundaries....if you constantly go above and beyond than that is what she will expect all the time.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Bug&Bearsmommy

But, the comment about her b-day?? Maybe I am taking it wrong. Maybe it is just her age? I don't know. I just feel like I am being made to feel obligated to do something for her b-day.

I agree with the others, cut her some slack. Do you remember turning 16? It is a huge deal.

No, you are not "obligated" to do anything for her. And I actually sense a bit of resentment that you are "going above and beyond" what you agreed on, but look at it this way, you are not fullfilling a contract, you are building a relationship. While it sucks that you are the adult in this equation, and you may be on the giving end for awhile, in the end it is bear who will benefit knowing that his adoptive parents care enough to send his birthmom a birthday card.

In my own situation, his parents always sent a card and called on my birthday (as well as my husband's and kids), although it took longer for me to reciprocate...and I was 24 at the time of the adoption! I'm glad his mom did not give up on me.

[mom2GRLC]

Well, she has a right to feel some resentment. She is doing all the work (above and beyond) and birthmom is (NOT) keeping up her part of the aggrement.

Adding more to it (as in... deciding to send her birthday cards and extra stuff) in my opinion will only harbor MORE resentment because again she is going above what has been promised and still not getting what she wants/deserves for her son in return.

I agree above all it is about building that relationship. However...if she keeps up her part of the aggreement isn't she doing the same thing. It's really just up to the birthmom to start stepping up when she is ready. You can't force a relationship. A relationship has to go two ways!!!

Why add more and more stuff to an an already busy schedule...taking more time away from parenting her children and taking care of her family and herself. As long as she does what she has originally promised than she IS trying to build that relationship.

(I know first hand..what it feels to be in a similiar situation like that...you can give and give everything you have...but it will never be good enough....it will only breed resentment and anger. But keeping your word and building the relationship over time with trust and consistancy is much better in the long run.)

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Bug&Bearsmommy

I know I was kind of a schmuck this year because I did not do anything for b-mom for Mother's Day. For one, she was/is in an in-patient treatment center and unable to accept mail from people who are not on her contact list. But, bio-grandma contacted me about a week before Mother's Day to give me her address at the center. For another, we were right in the middle of moving, and further more we got the keys to our new house at 8:45pm and DH was scheduled for major surgery at 6:00am the following morning. After this he was laid up for 3 weeks while I completed the move...and watched the kids to boot. So, yes, I screwed up on Mother's Day...but I have sent her letters and pictures since.

Anyway, I received a letter from her today...it was actually written to "Bear". It stated to please have your picture taken in the outfit I bought you so that I can see how you look in it. She also "reminded" him that her b-day was on 9/XX and she would be 16! OK about the outfit...easy enough to do, but really not exactly easy to remember when I am running after 2 little guys all day long. I will, however, remember the next time he is wearing it to take a pic. But, the comment about her b-day?? Maybe I am taking it wrong. Maybe it is just her age? I don't know. I just feel like I am being made to feel obligated to do something for her b-day.

Yes, we have an open adoption agreement. But I do not recall anything that said we needed to celebrate b-mom's milestones in life. I know that sounds bitter, but...except for my Mother's Day screw up (which I didn't even get so much as a card myself because of the chaos)...we have gone beyond the open adoption agreement. This despite the fact that she has done nothing to keep up her end.

Maybe part of my frustration is the way Bear's family acts toward the rest of our kids. (we just had a visit recently) They just kind of say "hi" in passing and run over the top of them to get to him. They don't even acknowlege them as Bear's siblings. They are just "the girls and Bug". I realize HE is their bio family, but I will not have a rift between my kids because of this. The girls already feel it and have made comment. Probably because they are "the girls" and they don't even bother calling them by their names.

So, what would you do? Do you send your b-mom a b-day card? I mean I didn't even know her b-day was this month until I got the letter. I mean I knew from his file, but I did not memorize it or mark it on a calendar.

As to your initial question, yes, we send cards and gifts for Bug's First Mom's birthday and for Mother's Day and Christmas. We do it for her sisters too. We will do the same for Roo's first family. All this is dependent on of course, that we know where they are. We don't have an agreement of any sort. In fact, I think if I let go, we wouldn't have a relationship at all.

I would say sending a card would probably be the right thing to do to keep the relationship open. It sounds like you're dealing with a younger person, so that might play into it. It also sounds like that some of your struggle is wrapped up in other issues besides birthday cards. A legitimate concern of course, for you and your family. But I think two different issues that need to be worked out.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I agree with the others that the comment about her birthday is probably more about her age than anything else. I have a dim, distant memory (LOL) of turning 16 and it was a really really really BIG deal!

We sometimes send cards for our girls' birthmom's birthday, sometimes not. Shoot, I have a hard time remembering to buy cards for my own sisters.

I think I can understand why you're feeling a bit resentful about being in the position of always "giving" and not getting anything in return. My daughters' birthmom is not that great about keeping in touch. Her computer service is sketchy at best, so we maybe get two or three emails a year. She doesn't write letters or cards, and hasn't called us in over a year. But I keep plugging away and batching up photos and an update letter to send every few months. That's what I agreed to, regardless of whether she holds up her end of the agreement or not. Sure, I get tired of it because there's little to no reciprocity, but for me it's about what I promised.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Sure, I get tired of it because there's little to no reciprocity, but for me it's about what I promised.

I agree...I think that is why I have just kind of rolled with the punches so far...but what I hate is that we ALL (me, DH and B-mom) signed the open adoption agreement. I hate that WE (DH and I during the adoption ceremony) were the ONLY ones who had to stand before a judge and promise to uphold it. I have a real inner struggle...this is the only place I really tell people about it because family and friends don't understand...that we are held to a higher standard or looked down upon if we so much as forget one little thing. I know the age thing is a factor. For crying out loud, b-gma is a month YOUNGER than I am!! It just gets emotionally draining.

On a positive note though, Bug's b-aunt sent EACH of the kids packages in the mail. Personally addressed to each of them. She included a card for the girls and told them she thought it was silly to just be Bug's aunt since they were all brothers and sisters and would they mind if she be their aunt too. That sure made their day...and mine too. She is a single mother trying to raise 4 kids herself, she really went all out. It was something...not just that she bought the kids things, but more the cards...that really touched me. I can't wait to write her back. We don't even have an agreement of ANY kind with any of Bug's family, but we seem to have a really great relationship.