[Tigger27]

Well, both my girls parents/families send me something for my birthday each year and I send things to each of my girls parents/families on their birthdays too.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

Well, she has a right to feel some resentment. She is doing all the work (above and beyond) and birthmom is (NOT) keeping up her part of the aggrement.

I am not saying she does not have the right to feel some resentment, but let's put it in perspective here. Sending a card for her child's 16th birthday is not that big a deal. She's not being asked to throw her a party or take her out to dinner, it is a card.

And, as far as the birthmother not keeping up her end, I again say, cut her a little slack. She is a teen-ager and she recently lost her baby.

I am all for setting boundaries, but I am also for showing a little human compassion.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by Bug&Bearsmommy

I don't know why I was thinking about this today...but I was just curious...do you receive anything from the b-parent on your b-day? Or, as a b-parent, do you send the a-parent a card or something? Like I said, I was just curious. I am going to get our b-mom a card and send it.

I sent a bday card out to amom this year only because I just found out when her bday is. I however have not received any cards except for a Christmas card last year. I plan on continuing with it.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

While it sucks that you are the adult in this equation, and you may be on the giving end for awhile, in the end it is bear who will benefit knowing that his adoptive parents care enough to send his birthmom a birthday card.

In my own situation, his parents always sent a card and called on my birthday (as well as my husband's and kids), although it took longer for me to reciprocate...and I was 24 at the time of the adoption! I'm glad his mom did not give up on me.

Brenda, thanks for sharing this. I often feel like there is a lack of reciprocation in my relations with babe's bio family, and like with other family (my MIL comes to mind) who can be quite content to receive rather than give, I have to remind myself I'm not reaching out to them based soley on what I get in return. I look at you and think now here's a gal who has it together, has a reached her goals and who has a wonderfully developed open adoption, so if it took her some time to reciprocate then it may just take my child's bio mother a little longer.

I do send birthday cards and reach out on their special occasions, even if I get peeved now and then... just as I would do for any family, even dear MIL when she's bugging the c**p out of me.

I hear your frustration Bug&Bearsmommy, but she is only 16. She may not be capable of holding up her end of the agreement right now, both due to age and you've mentioned she's in a treatment program. I am confused, what do you mean that during an adoption ceremony you and DH are the only ones who had to swear to uphold it? What was the adoption "ceremony" that took place before a judge?

It may feel ike "a lot," you do have four kids and are likely a very busy mom. But is one card per year a lot? I know it's hard to put out and put out and feel like nothing is coming in return... however the return that I'm banking on and care about the most is the return to my child because I continued to reach out and it could take years for this return to be fullfilled. You already do updates, pictures, but is a birthday card the final straw, does it mean you've finally done too much? Then what about sticking a card in the update closest to her birthday?

Mom2GRLC,
Yes, she's doing all the work, and it's no wonder that she is, the girl is 16 and in treatment to boot. I hope this girl does pick up her end of the agreement, but I'm guessing it's going to take many years for that to happen, maturity and distance from the adoption.

Not sure what "extra stuff" Bug&Beasr would be sending other than a card, unless you suspect that once she sends a card it opens up the requests for more, or the expectation for more. Wishing someone happy birthday is really quite trivial in the grand scheme of things, it's a kind gesture that has real potential down the road. As for it harboring more resentment, I'd suggest it is a choice to feel more resentment over sending a card... I have to make the choice to send a card and then let go of it, let go of expecting anything from it, then I'm pleasantly surprised when there is a result.

No you can't force a relationship, but I hardly see including someone in the birthday wishes I send during the year to be forcing a relationship, it's merely another chance to let them know they are thought of. Heck, we sign cards at work places for coworkers we wouldn't invite to coffee in our home. I hear ya, a relationship has to go both ways, but sometimes one part has to be the bigger person if the relationship is going to survive the long term.

You said, "Why add more and more stuff to an an already busy schedule...taking more time away from parenting her children and taking care of her family and herself." I don't think anyone is suggesting she bake her a cake, or go present shopping... it's a card. How is a card taking time away from parenting, in my mind it is doing my job as a parent, I'm teaching my child about showing care and concern, even when there's nothing (obvious) in it for me.

I am the queen of adoption guilt, just ask Brenda, she's helped me many times. I have worried for years I'm not doing enough, but I feel a can freely recommend that a card would be a very nice thing, it's not about the guilt, it's just about showing care, it's just about saying happy birthday.

[sugarbabysmommy]

The more think about this I guess I would have to say indentify your goal. Is the goal to have an open adoption in which a familial sort of relationship develops or is the goal to maintain an agreement? If it's about a familial relationship then sending a card works toward that goal.

[loveajax]

SBM, that is the perfect question really. I often struggle with wanting to do "more" (visits, contact, etc.) than is laid out in our open adoption agreement, and DH (who really didn't want an open adoption-- that's another story) is sort of "adamant" that we "stick with" what we contractually agreed to do (which he finds sort of "overwhelming" though he never writes the letters/picks out the pictures in our updates!). It's been really hard for us to work this out between us and we still have no real resolution. On the one hand, doing what you agreed to do seems sometimes the "fairest" thing to do because it doesn't lead to "misleading" stuff; on the other hand, it seems totally artificial. (sorry to sidetrack the thread here).

Good luck, Bugnbear'smommy.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I am confused, what do you mean that during an adoption ceremony you and DH are the only ones who had to swear to uphold it? What was the adoption "ceremony" that took place before a judge?

Maybe I used the wrong terminology. When we finalized the adoption...we were asked the usual: do you understand that adoption is forever? do you understand that adoption will make this child your legal heir...etc. Well, in addition, we realized that we signed the open adoption agreement and understood that we were under obligation to follow it.

As far as building a familial relationship, I just don't think that is something I see in our future. I believe there are many legitimate safety concerns with the bio family, and we have been told by everyone...CW, CASA, even even the pediatrician (who was b-mom's ped) that boundaries are a MUST. I think this is why I get so torn...ideally in a eutopian world, we would ALL be a family. BUT, I have 3 other children to think about too, and the safety of all 4 kids come first...above bio family wishes.

[mom2GRLC]

"I am all for setting boundaries, but I am also for showing a little human compassion.[/quote]

A "little" human compassion!!! Maybe you have not been following my story. If you have you would know that I have had an overwhelming amount of compassion for my daughters birthfamily and at times it's the only thing that has held our relationship together.

But through that difficult start to our realtionship I have learned that it is much better to have a warm, stable relationship with consistancy than one that burns real hot and cold. By giving more than one possibly can and then becoming discouraged/resentful because the other side is not doing their part.....when the relationship was supposed to be "for the benefit of the child".

I'm sure everyone's story is different. But just because I suggest doing what she has aggred to until the birthmom is older and more mature or more involved (and ready for a relationship) doesn't mean I am not thinking she should be shown a "little" compassion.

By keeping her agreement she is showing her love and compassion and building that trust for a future relationship (even if that relationship stays on the terms of the "agreement" someday hopefully the birthmom will be ready to start communicating more and doing her part and when she is....the amom will be there and the quality of their relationship will be much better.

Besides it's not a matter of just sending "a" birthday card once a year. Add that to everything she has already agreed to do as well as the other stuff she is doing on top of that, that has already went above the agreement she made.

I think whatever she does will be fine for her and her situation. But she shouldn't be made to feel like she has no compassion for her childs birthmother just because she is a little resentful of everything she already does in the relationship when so little is being done to really "benefit" her child.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I should also say...I really don't think b-mom actually WANTED the open adoption. She and Bear were both in a foster home together. She asked tht he be placed in an adoptive home because she wanted to be a kid. When b-gma found out about it (a math addict herself) she flipped! She told b-mom that if she thought she was going to be welcome in her house without bringing the baby, she was WRONG! Hence the reason b-mom ran away from 3 foster homes and was out of the picture for about 9 months. I think the whole open adoption was to appease the g-ma. But, that is just my opinion given what I have seen, read, and heard.

I actually think b-mom would be happy just going on as if it never happened. Not to be rude or spiteful...but Bear was conceived during a rape and I can actually understand why she would feel this way. Again, that is just the feeling I get given the times I have interacted with the family and what I have read in the case file.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Bug&Bear, please forgive me if I misread this, I understand your feelings about safety issues and that attempting to build a familial relationship might not be possible under those circumstances... but in your first post I thought you mentioned that Bear's bio family comes for visits? If I read that right it feels like a mixed message, you have visits but don't want to include sending a birthday card to the other things you do.

Something esle you said in your first post that I reread and really struck me was that Bear's bio family pays little to no attention to your other children. If I had more kids I'd want all of them acknowledged by anyone who came into my home. My brother and I were treated very unequally by my paternal bio family, we were both certainly dotted on but he could do no wrong and was showered with gifts. It did cause resentment in our home and between my brother and I. I really feel for you and the kids, and I absolutely encourage you to say something. I know I don't like feeling ignored by babe's bio family, which does happen now and then during visits, but to a child that feeling is even more accute.

Since bio mother has been unstable, run away, and you've mentioned that she's not keeping up her end of your agreement, is this the first letter she's sent on her own, or the first in awhile? I hope she continues to write and stay in touch. She has a lot of life ahead of her, I really hope she's able to make a change for herself now rather than later.

You had asked if anyone's child's bio family sent them cards, yes, we get cards in the mail as well as ecards. Every now and then we get cards from bio family other than bio parents, including graduation announcements, Christmas cards etc.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Loveajax, that's got to be tough. We've had our ups and downs with our open adoption and I have no idea what I'd do if my husband weren't equally behind our openness. I hope you both are able to talk about this and that your husband decides you're right... wasn't that in your wedding vows Anyhow, maybe reading would help him relate to where you are coming from. But like they say, you can throw a book at your husband but you can't make him read it.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

"I am all for setting boundaries, but I am also for showing a little human compassion.

A "little" human compassion!!! Maybe you have not been following my story. [/quote]

It was not directed at you or your circumstances.

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

I think whatever she does will be fine for her and her situation. But she shouldn't be made to feel like she has no compassion for her childs birthmother just because she is a little resentful of everything she already does in the relationship when so little is being done to really "benefit" her child.

I will say it again. It is a card. Nothing more. I think it is also important to think of the hurt this young woman will feel if her birthday goes by unacknowledged. The damage it might do to the relationship. And, yes, the birthmother is young, self-absorbed and looking for attention. Show me a 16 year old that isn't. Add to that the trauma of being raped and placing that child at 15. One of the main criteria for diagnosing trauma is avoidence. I think her lack of reciprocation has more to do with avoidance and age, than a deliberate snub.

This is not only about the now, but the future. Unfortunately Bug&Bearsmommy is the adult in this situation and will be for sometime. Given the birth grandmother it also sounds as if there is some dysfunction. Modeling appropriate behavior to this girl will go a long way in eventual reciprocation. Something that will certainly benefit Bear in the long run.

[ess922]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Modeling appropriate behavior to this girl will go a long way in eventual reciprocation. Something that will certainly benefit Bear in the long run.

Totally agree with this! Thats a main motivation for me to keep up contact with our older child's bmom. We send her a card and gift on her birthday, for Christmas, etc. When she had another child (whom she is parenting), we sent welcome baby gifts, etc.

There is almost no reciprocation on her part. I don't even think she knows when my or dh's birthdays are let alone acknowledge them. The most she could muster to acknowledge our child's bday was a 3 minute phone call this past year. The year before, it was too painful for her and she avoided it completely. Though she did try for the holidays last year, she sent us a card, but had not written anything in it (didn't even sign her name). Just enclosed a pic of her, bf, and new baby. But that was a big deal for her and it meant a lot to us!

I say this with saddness, not anger toward her. But I know a quite bit about her own childhood and I realize where the tragedies and trauma she experienced as a child/teen come into play in her current functioning.

Bmom was also still a teenager when our child was born. The "baby" is just a toddler now, but in the past (nearly 3) years, I have already seen her mature in many ways. The reciprocation still isn't there, but we have seen growth and improvement in other elements of our relationship, that we have worked on with her both through us modeling the behavior(s) and through open discussions with her about the relationship itself...

Longwinded way to say... hang in there. Anything you do to support and foster the relationship with bmom is something I think will go a long way toward the benefit of your child whether its in actually building the foundation for the child's relationship with the bfamily or just in demonstrating to the child that you tried.

[DonnaLynn]

Maybe something as simple as a paper with crayon scribbled on it - wishing her a happy birthday will be enough...
** is involved in many ways in our lives. I threw her a little birthday party last week. I have Christmas gifts for her.
She is a person with a LIFE LONG contection - that being said..

** disappeared for months after DD was born.
Once ** got back in contact with us I was determined she KNEW she was valued. Not because we adopted her baby but because she was a person in her own right. She is intelligent, sweet, kind, and capable. In her own words she was not "well behaved" her family of course went back and forth in how they treated her. They did not offer help when she found herself pregnant and in a homeless shelter. She has not had contact with them in close to 3 yrs now.

Our open adoption for a baby- also gave us a grown women as a daughter. ** just needed us. She need ppl who were consistant, strong, understanding, firm, and loving. Ppl who would forgive and offer trust for lessons learned. There are still major issues- Lots of them

How open is up to you! If you feel she is overstepping be sure to tell her.. So there are not misunderstandings and you represent your Child. Not her...

Hope it all turns out well,

[peanutsmommy]

Sounds like to me she is just writing a letter and telling him when the b-day is.