[timni]

Everything has been going fabulous. We have been really working on our relationship with dd bfamily (bmom, and bmoms family) and this week I got a real kick in the gut. DD bfather has shown up and wants to see her. Dd bmom is talking to him again and called me to ask what should she tell him. I simply told her it was our responsibility to get to know anyone before they got time with dd. I told her I know she said he is a good person but we don't know him from adam. So we told her he could email us or call for a while and we would go from there. I am not very fond of anyone who would leave a girl in the lurch like that and take no interest or responsibility. But then again he is asking now. Oh I don't know what to do. So why do I feel like a shmuck? Like I have a double standard. well I guess it is because I do. hmmm I need to think about this some more.

Any advice?

[Lilly's Mommy]

"I simply told her it was our responsibility to get to know anyone before they got time with dd."

I don't think you sound like a shmuck, you sound like a mom. You're open to getting to know him, and that's a start.

[taramayrn]

I think you said the right thing. (((HUGS)))

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Your responsibility is to your child. If he really wants to be part of her life, he will respect your decisions. Besides, why wouldn't he want to meet you and get all expectations out on the table before bringing the child into the situation. I wouldn't feel bad at all. You are doing what any mother would do.

[mom2GRLC]

I think maybe you should talk to him on the phone kind of get a feel for him then meet with him AND birthmother.

I think it is a great opportunity for your daughter. Who knows how long he will be in the picture this time. If you could just get to know him a bit and get some pictures with him and your DD that would be such a blessing for her. I'm sure it would mean so much to her that her bdad did care enough to at least come see her even if it is just once (hopefully not).

She's still young enough that she won't even understand who he is at this point. Now in the future if he choose to just pop in and out of her life that would be a little different....that would have to be your decision wether you would want to put her through that...BUT even then some contact might be better than never having contact. She will have a better idea of who he is and what he's like and won't make up fantasies about him.

[HBV]

I agree, you did EXACTLY the right thing. We are in a similar situation w/ our child's bdad. If you have Lois Melina's book on Raising Children in Open Adoptions, there is some useful information in there on dealing with challenging birthparents and keeping your child's best interest in the foreground. I've found it very helpful.

[timni]

Thanks everyone. I just feel wierd b/c he is her bfather and that makes him important. I think I am being oversensitive b/c of how I feel about his treatment of dd bmom