[Danielle]

I was just wondering if anyone could give me their point of view on my current situation. I am considering donating eggs to my sons mother(adoptive). I am a birthmother of a gorgeous 5 year old boy. We have a very open adoption and I couldnt be happier. Throughout the years I have built a strong relationship with my sons adoptive mother, we are like family. The adoptive parents went though an unexpected divorce and my sons Amother has remarried. They are very eager to get pregnant but are having difficulty with getting an egg donor. I am really sitting on the fence with it. I know that if I were unable to get pregnant I would want somebody to do this for me, I know that if my son is going to have a sibling I think it would be great for them to have a biologocal connection, and I personally grew up with 2 siblings and couldnt imagine being an only child. I have not mentioned to his Amom that I am considering this, just because I dont want to commit to something I am not positive on.
Im wondering if doing this would confuse my birth son?
Im worried that if Amom goes through a pregnancy she will feel more attatched and connected to the new baby and leave my birthson excluded?
.....basically just looking for any in put possible!
Thank you Everyone!!

[Leigh131313]

Now, I could be wrong because things change and procedures become better...but...


the last I heard, donating eggs is not exactly an "easy" thing to do...It involves drugs, painful procedures and a risk of your own fertility...

Make sure you investigate very carefully before suggeting it to her.


As for how she feels to your son. I can't tell you how anyone else will feel, but I CAN tell you that absolutely nothing could take away the love i have for my son. Giving birth I'm sure is a wonderful experience, but I know within my very soul that I could not love that child more had he been from my body.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

As for how she feels to your son. I can't tell you how anyone else will feel, but I CAN tell you that absolutely nothing could take away the love i have for my son. Giving birth I'm sure is a wonderful experience, but I know within my very soul that I could not love that child more had he been from my body.

I agree 100%! There is no way I could love my boys more even if I had given birth. I would hope that your son's amom has a big enough heart to be filled with tons of love. Love is something that grows, not diminished. I love both my boys and if I should ever experience pregnancy I can't imagine loving my boys less, or the bio kid more. I love my boys more and more each day.

Please take leigh's advice and research and make sure of what you're doing.

[healingfeeling]

Danielle,

I mean absolutely zero disrespect here....I give you mucho credit for coming and posting this here.....

This is just my belief....

I think that donating your eggs just so the amom can give birth is wrong...that child will know that they were created soley for the mom to experience childbirth (even if its not the case...the child may think it is).

The identity crisis that this kid could have may be huge. They are not only adopted, but they didn't even grow in their bmom's belly. That baby is going to be your biological child....

i don't know....i know a few friends that are products of sperm donation from the late 70's...they have major issues over and and feel disconnected from themselves...

this is only my opinion.....i respect whatever you decide to do.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I am going to go with healingfeeling here...

You mentioned that you would want someone to do this for you... so is actually giving birth to the child what puts the value on his or her head? I suppose Im not understanding.

Egg donation, as mentioned, is not an easy process... and then there could possibly be your biological child walking around not even knowing you... I mean.. you guys are aware that even if it is implanted in her.. she still is not the biological mother of the child... right? Any DNA test will show that...

I personally, of course, am against this type of thing... but really think about all these things(and what Healing mentioned)... that will be your child... Why is it so important to her to give birth that she is willing (wanting) to take someone else's genetic material to do that?

It is risky to both individuals and the baby.. (I assume that if she has no eggs, she will need hormone shots the whole time....)

[banjo]

Hi I agree with number1. A friend going through IVF discussed donating fertilized eggs to other couples and bascially we both realised that she was opening the door to adoption via IVF. Her child's fill sibling/s would be walking around out there and even if they maintained an open adoption-type relationship with the parents they would probably still go through the same relationship dramas that I am facing. Plus her children would have sibs out there that may or may not want anything to do with them - believe me it really hurts your children and is **** hard to explain. It's an honourable idea though.

[emmaalso]

I think it is wonderful.
I am sure it wont change the relationship she has with her son and it would give him a sibbling. No donating eggs isnt like givin blood but if you qualify its really not bad I know several women who have done it and some 3 times. I think of it as donating an organ. The egg is not a baby its an egg woman lose eggs monthly. IVF doesnt happen without the love and support of the woman who wants to carry the baby and her loved ones. It is also not a sure thing and definetly not easy on the recipient. MOnths of shots every 12 hours etc.

Hang in there and learn about the process then make your decision.

Regards

[healingfeeling]

The egg is not a baby its an egg woman lose eggs monthly.

uh....the sperm is not a baby either...its sperm....once the egg and sperm are put together in the little petri dish they become an embryo...that embryo becomes a baby with the egg donors dna, perhaps even personality....

i really do believe in this situation its wrong....sorry for being blunt.

[emmaalso]

Healingfeeling,

Hi. We clearly disagree on this matter and that's OK that is my opinion and there are many happy family out there with children born thanks to the young women who donated some of their eggs.

When I state that an egg is not a baby I am saying that many eggs do not mature, many eggs do not fertilize and many do not implant. It is not a sure thing but it is an opportunity for some women to have a child.

Regards,

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well, there are plenty of ways to build a family without putting multiple people at risk.

I agree.. and egg is an egg until it isnt. And it is a risk to put yourself through for only the possibility of it working.

It may look to some people as organ donation, but that is the exact reason why I will not flat out sign an organ donation form. I do not want anyone thinking that I am donating my genetic material for the purpose of procreation- at any time now or in the future.

That said.. with children needing homes, if carrying the baby is what is important, then it sounds to me like an issue that needs to be worked through. That child will still not biologically be hers even if it grows in her uterus... and why put a baby through a high risk pregnancy just so she can have that experience??

[PaperPregnant]

Danielle -

As someone who may in the future use donor eggs, I admire your thoughtfulness to the Amom of your son. I personally see nothing wrong with you making a fully informed choice to do so.

Having had three IVF procedures in the past, I can tell you that you will have to take shots, have a surgical procedure (non-invasive) to remove the eggs and possibly have to deal with some mild side effects from the drugs. Most research I have seen indicates that future fertility does not become an issue for the donor until multiple donations. Most clinics set their limit per donor at 3 donations.

Ultimately this is a personal choice for you. It is not a terrible thing, but a gift.

Also, while I can't speak for the Amom, I think your respect for her clearly shows in your post, and I bet the answer to your concerns about loving your son as much as a child she bears, is in your heart. IMHO someone who has welcomed you into their lives and who clearly loves you as well as your son, will never make your son feel any less loved because he is adopted and not born to her.

Oh, and a point of legal clarification for the others here. Once the eggs are donated, legally the recipient is the biological mother of the child. It is NOT an adoption.

Best of luck to you in your decision. I just wanted to give you another view point.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by emmaalso

The egg is not a baby its an egg woman lose eggs monthly. I

She is donating an egg to make a baby. An "organ" does not create a new living, breathing, human being. As far as the procedure is concerned, you are shot up with drugs they have done no research on to determine it's long term effects. Then they make an incision to retrieve the eggs, while you are under anestesia. It is not as simple as maturbating into a cup.

There is actually a great book on assisted reproduction called "Mommies, Daddies, Donors and Surrogates". I suggest you get it. There are many kids that struggle with how they were conceived.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by PaperPregnant

Oh, and a point of legal clarification for the others here. Once the eggs are donated, legally the recipient is the biological mother of the child. It is NOT an adoption.

This is a good point. Children of egg and sperm donors are considered to be 100% the biological child of the "Intended parent" (which is what "recipients" are called.) We are creating a new generation of birth certificates full of lies. And a new generation of children/adults that will have to deal with them. I do not see a whole lot of people in this field (although there are some) addressing how any of this is going to affect the children.

[Pat Johnston]

As an infertility and adoption educator, I find this idea worrisome on a lot of levels. If one is going to worry about the receipient mom feeling more "connected" to the baby she birthed but is not genetically connected to, should one worry even MORE about the father--who WILL be genetically connected to the second child but not the first?

Additionally, the relationship between the prospective donor as birthmother to their first child and the recipient couple is already so very complicated that I would HOPE that in the process of screening candidates and recipients which is place in all IVF programs that are following ASRM ethical guidelines, this proposal wouldn't even "pass" the talking stage!

And, by the way, the book Brenda recommended is a good one, but it's not about making the decision, it's about talking to kids conceived through the ARTs more than anything. The potential mom and the potential donor might want to read Ellen Glazer and Evelina Sterling's <i>Having Your Baby through Egg Donation</i> to look carefully at the medical, psychological and other pros and cons before making a firm decision.

Pat Johnston
Amom of three and Infertility and Adoption Educator

[healingfeeling]

That's great info Pat! I'm glad that their are ASRM guidelines that may not allow this situation! I actually lost sleep over this thread (its obviously causing me some pain and I had almost decided to take a forum break after getting into this thread).

bromanchik

creating a new generation of birth certificates full of lies

thanks for saying what i was feeling so deeply...