[kimmiwah]

My DH and I just started the process of domestic adoption. We are finishing the autobiographical novellas, letters and profiles.

We were talking tonight about the birthing process of this baby. Is it a usual event for the birth mother to want the adoptive parents to be in the delivery room? Will the babe be able to room in with the birth mother? How can I find out if the hospitals in the region are "adopt friendly"?


I realize that these questions will be case by case but I wanted more of a general "feeler" out there.

Many thanks,
Kim

[ValerieP]

Our adoption is very open with many visits, calls and photos (including videos).

The birthmother of our daughter called us to come to the hospital. We were in the room until she went into active labor and became embarrased when her water broke. At that time, we excused ourselves and went into the waiting room, where the nurses, and birthgrandmother would give us updates. We left the birthmother and our daughter alone the following day so that they could have as much time together as they could. The day our daughter came home, we went to the hospital, and the birthmother visited with us for a while, and we all hugged and she handed our daughter to us.

All hospitals are going to be different. All birthmothers are going to be different -- and plans can always change in an instant, just like when the birthmother's water broke and she was uncomfortable with us in the room... I would suggest that you talk it over with her first. We started by asking to be at the hospital when she delivered... even if we waited in the waiting room. Follow HER lead.

[SchmennaLeigh]

The adoptive parents were in the delivery room with me. However, our hospital frowned on that and fought it until the end. (All hospitals have different policies on number, etc.) Beyond that, I wish they would not have been. At the time I thought it was the best thing but hindsight makes me wish that I had been able to have that time to myself. But it's okay.

[kimmiwah]

The key to this will be flexibility just as anything with parenting. Thanks for your story!

[bromanchik]

I actually encourage expecting parents to not have the adopting parents involved in the hospital experience or even the pregnancy. I think it engenders feelings of obligation in expectant parents, and as the decision to place is really made after the baby is born, the presence of the adopting parents can really muddy the waters. While I understand the desire of adopting parents to want to be present for the birth of the baby, and to even have a lot of hospital time, birth and it's aftermath is an intensely private and intimate experience. It is also a time for mother and baby to get to know each other. They may ultimately be seperated, but at the time of birth they are still one and that needs to be respected, not only for the new mom's sake, but for the baby's as well. If seperation via an adoption placement is going to happen, than that transition needs to be as gentle as it can be for both parties, but especially for the baby.

[HBV]

I was in the delivery room---though I didn't have any expectation of it. We'd only met H's bmom the day before he was born (he was induced because there was some concern about size and position.) I'm don't know this for a fact, but I think she may have told our coordinator that she did want us at the hospital before we even met. The night we met her, part of the discussion was about the logistics of the next day---and everyone treated it like a foregone conclusion that we'd be there, we'd be given bracelets for the nursery, etc. The next morning, bmom's father called us to give an update on the timing. We showed up w/ flowers and magazines for her, asked what they'd like us to do---wait in her room or in the waiting area. They wanted to spend more time getting to know us, so we stayed.

We went next door to get her parents some lunch and by the time we walked back in she was in labor. Her dad came running down the hall and told me she wanted me in the room (though not dh) I went in, but tried to stand back behind her mother, who was holding her hand. I was amazed. It was a gift I did not expect at all.

Even though my own experience was special, I sort of agree w/ Brenda that the birth should perhaps stay private. It is not at all that I didn't appreciate being there, but I would hate to think that my joy in seeing our son born increased her pain in any way.

[HappyTwinsMom]

My girls' birthmom was very specific about not wanting us in the delivery room. In her birth plan, she said it would be okay if we made it to the hospital for the birth, but she didn't want anyone but her aunt in the delivery room with her. As it was, the babies came early and we didn't get there until the morning after their birth.

The hospital she delivered at was very "adoption friendly" in terms of accepting us and making us feel comfortable and welcome. Because C had extensive counseling and support prior to the birth, she had a detailed birth plan in place, including what she wanted after the babies came, too.

I agree with Brenda about not having adoptive parents in the delivery room. While it would have been a wonderful experience to see my daughters being born, I appreciate and respect C's need for time with her babies and privacy. Us being there would probably have made things more difficult than they already were.

[kelceesmom]

We missed our daughters birth by about 6 hours. We had to drive to AZ from CA. Our bmom says that she would have let us in the delivery room but we definately would have left it up to her and followed her lead because anything could have changed. Our hospital was very active in adoption as it was a county hospital and dealt a lot with adoption. The hospital staff treated us very well. Our birthmom went home the same day she gave birth and we had the whole weekend to spend at the hospital with our daughter until TPR was signed on Monday. Just be prepared for anything.

[Free_to_be_me]

My birthdaughter's adoptive parents were invited to be in the room during the birth, but they were not able to make it in time. They arrived at the hospital about 2 hours after she was born. Now, I am actually happy that it worked out that way. It was nice to have that time alone with the baby, however, if they had been there, it would have been fine, too. They were great about letting me have all the time I needed alone with her and giving me my privacy.

They spent several hours each day at the hospital (maybe 10 or 12) but whenever I had a visitor, they would hang out in the waiting room or on the sidelines or need to run to the cafeteria or something.

The hospital I used was also very adoption friendly. They found a different room to teach the adoptive parents how to care for a newborn so I wouldn't have to watch (that was the hardest part for me.) They allowed me to have (quiet) visitors from 5:00am until about 10:00pm and my mom and sister (14 years old) both spent the night with me and the baby.

[usmcfamily2005]

Our experience at the hospital, was actually wonderful.

We had talked about whether or not we would be in the room when our daughter was born, and really honestly, neither of us were comfortable with it. My husband had said definitely NO.

However, when we got the call to fly to CA, that our birthmother was in labor, we were on the plane on the way to CA, we found out that it was false labor. So due to the circumstances we got to CA and no baby yet, so we got to meet the birth mother before hand, and she asked us to be in there with her if we wanted to. When the time came a couple of days later, we were in the room, my husband cut the chord, and he would not have changed a thing about it.

Luckily for us, the hospital was wonderful. They were very open to us being in there, they gave us pretty much as much access to information as the birth mother had. I also had one of the hospital bracelets myself, so that I could actually take the baby out of the nursery. One thing though, there was NO ONE from the adoption agency at the hospital. A social worker was supposed to be there, but she was not there either. So we really had no one in person that we could talk to if we had questions. We were able to contact our agency by phone at any time though. The social worker did show up at the time to be released so that she could do the paperwork releasing the baby from the hospital into our custody.

So be prepared, to not have an agency staff member at the hospital. Just be flexible with the birth mother's wishes and the hospital's policies.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

I actually encourage expecting parents to not have the adopting parents involved in the hospital experience or even the pregnancy. I think it engenders feelings of obligation in expectant parents, and as the decision to place is really made after the baby is born, the presence of the adopting parents can really muddy the waters. While I understand the desire of adopting parents to want to be present for the birth of the baby, and to even have a lot of hospital time, birth and it's aftermath is an intensely private and intimate experience. It is also a time for mother and baby to get to know each other. They may ultimately be seperated, but at the time of birth they are still one and that needs to be respected, not only for the new mom's sake, but for the baby's as well. If seperation via an adoption placement is going to happen, than that transition needs to be as gentle as it can be for both parties, but especially for the baby.

In my personal experience I would agree completely with this. I had the adoptive parents at the hospital with me (and we met them 6 weeks before our baby was born). I wish they weren't there, not that they did anything wrong, but I really felt a sense of obligation towards them. At one point in time, after my son was born, I had thought very heavily of changing my mind but didn't because I didn't want to hurt the adoptive parents as they had become my friends. If I were able to go back, I would not meet them until after he was born and they wouldn't be at the hospital with me.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

not that they did anything wrong, but I really felt a sense of obligation towards them.

Thank you for putting into words what I couldn't!

[looking4lily]

with my first baby I was placed when she was 3 months old so that took care of that! However we are expecting a second baby in Nov . Birth Mom is a inmate at the same place as birth mom #1 and she approached us to take her baby out of the blue we were shocked but thrilled with a second baby!
She is going in for a c-section on the 30th and has asked me to be there with her. How do you find out about getting a room or what the hospital offers adoptive parents? It is a nutty situation!

[nelwywed1311]

I live in Australia and one reason I am very appreciative of our system in regards to adoption is that it is State regulated and there is no meeting of birth/adoptive parents prior to birth.
I agree totally with Brenda Romanchik - there is no place for adoptive parents in the hospital when a mother is having her child. Whilst I acknowledge that there are many mothers who 'chose' this option in the USA, I doubt many of them truly understand what this may mean in the long term
In Australia, no mother actually steps forward and says "I'd like the adoptive parents in the delivery room" because it just isn't the done thing. The adoptive parents aren't even identified until the adoption consent form has been signed and 28 days (in Victoria, may be different in other States) have elapsed. This is so much safer and prevents any form of coersion (even unintentional or subtle) It separates the issue of a mother having a child and chosing adoption from the issue of finding a suitable family for a child freed for adoption.
So, whilst I acknowledge my post doesn't provide any useful information for the opening poster, I am just providing another point of view. I doubt USA will ever go down this track, but I honestly believe it works here in Australia - contested adoptions are almost unheard of because of the clear separation of 'not freed for adoption' and 'freed for adoption'.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by usmcfamily2005

Luckily for us, the hospital was wonderful. They were very open to us being in there, they gave us pretty much as much access to information as the birth mother had. I also had one of the hospital bracelets myself, so that I could actually take the baby out of the nursery.

This gives me the heebie jeebies. Not only is this illegal (has no one heard of HIPPA?) but it makes incredible assumptions before an actual decision has been made.