[amberl10]

We are considering domestic adoption. We'd probably do semi-open but still my only fear with domestic is the birth mother, we aren't comfortable with our child having a lot of contact with her. We'd be fine with photos and updates but visits I'm not so sure about. Is there a way around this does anyone know?

[BrandyHagz]

amber,

Can I ask why you're scared? Have you done any research/reading on openness or are your fears borne from the horror stories you see on TV?

I'm just wondering what drives your fear - not trying to change your mind about openness, I think we all know our comfort level and that level should be respected...but I did wonder what drives the fear...

[BrandyHagz]

And to answer your question - there are a number of different kinds of open adoption - even some closed adoptions...if you're looking for semi-open, just say that and don't match with anyone who wants something more than you can offer.

Yes, semi-open or even closed are options in adoption, even today.

[crick]

Open adoption is what you make it, imo. There is no "One Way" to do it as everyone has different ways of doing it. Everyone does what will work for them. My suggestion is to sit down and really think through what kind of openess you want and be comfortable with the kind of contact, how much of it, etc.

Once you know all of that...then be honest about it.

There are expectant moms who will want more or maybe less and you'll need to discuss with them how you see things working out. Maybe they'll say "no, I want xx or xx" and if it's not agreeable to you, then this isn't the right match for your family or for her.

But again...you need to be completely upfront and honest about it. Don't make promises you have no intention of keeping once the child is legally yours.

[amberl10]

Thanks so much. I guess I'm not comfortable with my child having a lot of contact with the birth number for a few reasons. We've tried so hard for a child and who knows maybe it would be our only child, but I want to be the MOM in the picture. Don't get me wrong I would always be honest with our child about where he/she came from and who their birthparents are but having visits with them would make me jealous I think. I know it's probably a selfish thing but I think it would be hard seeing my child connect with the birth mother and then I'd fear the birth mother would up and decide they'd like to raise their child and try and take him/her back.

[StorkWatcher]

Amber,
Feel free to PM me any time to talk about this. Here's my short story version:

We were married about 10 years before we were able to finally pursue adoption. All our friends/family who have adoption experiences are in closed scenarios. In the beginning, we had many fears and confusion about open.

After we visited w/ several agencies and did a little research, we realized how important it is and how great an open adoption can be FOR THE CHILD as well as all parents involved. It can allow for some better adjustment. We ended up desiring a semi-open arrangement, but we were willing to consider an open arrangement, based on certain circumstances and if we felt it would be a good thing after meeting the expectant parent(s).

In our state, once the birthmom signed her papers, her decision to place was final, and we were his parents forever. Same thing if a bfather signs papers. Legal risk would be incurred if you have to wait for right to be terminated involuntarily (as we did for bdad), but the waiting period for us was only 30 days. We knew then that the baby couldn't be taken away from us.

What we actually have now is a semi-open arrangement, based on the birthmom's choice. She chose us to be our son's parents, and requested semi-open. And I wish it were more open, which is ironic! But it's working for now.

We know each other's first names. We know we live in the same state (our agency doesn't work outside the state w/ bmoms). We know just a very little bit about he. We have one picture of her. We were hoping to meet with her at the hospital when we got our son, but she ended up not feeling up to it and said maybe she would at a later time. I REALLY hope we get to meet her some day!

We don't have anything in writing about our arrangement, so I just am guided by what I would want, if I were a birthom, and I hope it is enough for her. I sent photos and letters to the agency on a monthly basis. Recently, we had a big scare when Baby A had an allergic reaction. I called the agency, they were able to get in touch with his birthmom and ask about family allergy history. I felt SO reassured that I could get in touch with her for emergency medical information!

In the future, if he has questions, we hope she'll be able to talk to him. If we have another medical emergency, we hope she can always be in contact. We know she likes to receive updates on how he is doing, and that it helps her TREMENDOUSLY to know he is very happy, and we are very happy, and he is doing really well in this family she chose for him.

We now have other adoptive family friends who have a variety of situations. I find myself envious of one friend in particular - they have a very open relationship with their daughter's birthparents. They email each other, meet a couple of times a year so she can have contact with her birthgrandma, birthmom and birthdad and brother. So far, everyone seems to feel better about things, knowing they can always ask a question rather than sit around and wonder about the other side.......

Talking with our caseworker really opened our eyes about the benefits of having an open relationship for ALL involved. In fact, I think it may help many birthparents stand firm in their decision to place, knowing they'll have contact in the future.

That being said, you can always start out with what you're comfortable with. If things work well and you really click w/ the birthfamily, you can always move to more opennes if they desire it too.

Just don't commit to more than you are willing to do! It is extremely important to uphold your end of the arrangement - for what it means to your child and also what it will mean to his or her birthparent(s).

[justlittleolme]

Originally Posted by amberl10

Thanks so much. I guess I'm not comfortable with my child having a lot of contact with the birth number for a few reasons. We've tried so hard for a child and who knows maybe it would be our only child, but I want to be the MOM in the picture. Don't get me wrong I would always be honest with our child about where he/she came from and who their birthparents are but having visits with them would make me jealous I think. I know it's probably a selfish thing but I think it would be hard seeing my child connect with the birth mother and then I'd fear the birth mother would up and decide they'd like to raise their child and try and take him/her back.

At least you are honest enough to admit it from the get-go... good luck... but honestly, if you feel so threatened by the "birth mother" who is not even a birth mother yet, then maybe you should reexamine why you would like to do domestic adoption

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by amberl10

I think it would be hard seeing my child connect with the birth mother and then I'd fear the birth mother would up and decide they'd like to raise their child and try and take him/her back.

One can make an adoption as open/semi/or closed as they want. However this comment is false. Once the paperwork has been signed in my state atleast that is it. I could not go and turn around and say I wanted to raise her.

[angelsoflove]

As they have mentioned here, there are all forms of openness in open adoption. We went into adoption knowing nothing about openness vs closed and we have two very open adoptions with our daughter's birthfamilies. They are ages 7 and 3 and we just recently had our oldest daughter's birthfamily spend 5 days with us a couple of weeks ago and are going to be spending a week with our youngest daughter's birthfamily next month.

Try to find out what your fears are exactly and replace those fears with love. For when you go into the adoption journey, it should not be made of fears but of love for the child and the family. If you still feel you are not comfortable with a totally open adoption, just make sure you share this with expecting mothers who are searching for a family. They are not birthmothers until they place their child for adoption, until then they are expecting mothers.

If you would ever like to talk, please email or private message me or you can add me to your Instant Messangers on MSN and Yahoo.

Terri
Adoptive mother of 2

[Barton]

Originally Posted by justlittleolme

At least you are honest enough to admit it from the get-go... good luck... but honestly, if you feel so threatened by the "birth mother" who is not even a birth mother yet, then maybe you should reexamine why you would like to do domestic adoption

I would say because in international adoption the health and attachement issues would far out weigh any potential post domestic adoption issues.

Once the birthmother/birthfather relinquish their rights then the adoptive parents are under no obligation what-so-ever to provide any information, updates, photos, meetings or anything else. (which is fine, but the adoptive parents need to be upfront with their agency and the potential birthparents on their stance).

There should be no post adoption "surprises" for either the adoptive parents of the birthparents. As long as you are honest from the get go.... then you will be matched with a birthparent that has the same out look.

Any IMHO there is nothing wrong with that as long as everyone is on the same page!

[BrandyHagz]

Once the birthmother/birthfather relinquish their rights then the adoptive parents are under no obligation what-so-ever to provide any information, updates, photos, meetings or anything else.

There are 13 states that currently have legally binding openness agreement laws on the books - so before you make this assumption, make sure you are familiar with the laws in your state.

[Barton]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

There are 13 states that currently have legally binding openness agreement laws on the books - so before you make this assumption, make sure you are familiar with the laws in your state.

Yes, that is correct. In my state once the papers are signed then my statement is completely true.

I always advise to research prior to moving forward. You could always chose a state that fits what you are looking for :-)

[Vogi2002]

I wanted to add that I really think you should research open adoption. My dh and i did NOT NOT want visits with any birthmother, well we read some AWESOME books (not to mention this board), PM me if you want names, and now we are doing FULLY open adoption, Grandparents and all (still waiting to be matched). I can't wait and am so very excited. I was SO glad that we researched this, even if we chose to do semi-open, at least we were armed with knowledge. IMO, after the reading I have done, whenever possible open adoption IS best for the child. Unlike what some think (and this surprised me also to find this out, as I thought like this at first) open adoption is NOT for the birthmother or the adoptive parent (although they do get some "perks" for lack of better word) it is for the child. So is it harder on aparents and bparents? Maybe, maybe not, but, from what I have read and researched, it is MUCH better for the child.

BUT you have to be comfortable in whatever you choose. Don't just assume you know what you want before researching though (as we did), believe me, you will learn a LOT and, even if your view doesn't change, you will be much more solid in what you believe!! Good luck and feel free to PM me if you like!!

Natalie

[HBV]

Amberl10: I think a lot of aparents start out on their journey with EXACTLY the same thoughts you're having. Once an adoption is finalized, then it's extremely unlikely that a birthparent could "take the child back"---that's a myth perpetuated by LIFETIME movies. Also, open adoption isn't co-parenting. As you research and read these boards, you'll begin to see how the relationships form. Just keep an open mind and read more about it. If you still don't want an open arrangement, then be honest about it. There are expectant mothers who want closed adoptions, too. There are plenty of benefits to open arrangements, but only if the parties really want them.

[DebCsMom]

As the others have told you, Open adoption is what you make it. It is a decision you & your partner make. SOmething you have to be TOTALLY comfortable with!!! It is also something you have to be honest with the Birth Mom. We have 3 very open adoptions. They include frequent visits. We told our childrens Birth Mom basically, "This is the MINIMUM we can give you as far as an open adoption. If it goes further than that, GREAT, if it doesn't, this is the minimum." Open adoptions also change over time. All 3 of ours are so different. Lives change, people change, but our basic promises in our relationship never does!

As far as being the MOM, our children know who MOM is. They know whose tummy they grew in, too. "I" am theone who has a tug at the heart when our children are talking to their BMoms on the phone & then my child will say, "Do you want to talk to Mommy now?" I feel a little pain for them.

Open adoption takes time to develope. Just like in ANY relationship, it takes time to grow. To trust! When we adopted our children, we just didn't adopt a child...we added a WHOLE extension to our family! Our children have SOOOO many Aunts, Uncles & grandparents! LOL All of our children call all the others Grandma & Papa, too! They have 6 sets of GRANDPARENTS! LOL With our son, he has his siblings stay with us often. Over the 4th of July week we had all 4 of his siblings stay for the whole week! (We don't have any contact with any of the Birth Dads. LONG story for each.)

Just be honest with youreslf & your PBMom. Do some more research, talk to more people. When we set out on our adoption journey, we were somewhat like you. Now, I couldn't imagine our lives without the kind of relationship we have with our children's Birth Moms!

GOOD LUCK!!

Deb