[DianeS]

Originally Posted by amberl10

...and then I'd fear the birth mother would up and decide they'd like to raise their child and try and take him/her back.

The fear of the birth parent even saying "I want my child back" is just as great as the fear of a judge allowing it. But they are often two separate fears. The legal fact that judges won't allow it does NOT take away the fear that the birth parent would ask for it anyway...

Yes, doing so would overstep boundaries. Yes, doing so would not be backed up by the court. But adoptive parents fear the birth parent saying it anyway.

Does that make sense?

[Vogi2002]

Diana - that is why open adoption is so great. Because *most* of the time, the bmom picked out the family and they too love the family. They KNOW that they COULDN'T get the child back, and the only thing they'd be doing is causing pain for thier child and aparents. Also, they'd be risking the aparents NOT allowing thier child to see them, which would be bad for them and thier child. I'm not saying bmom's won't regret it, and I'm not saying this would never happen...it's just common in healthy open adoption relationships (which is why it helps if you get help with a agency/social worker so they can help it become a healthy relationship).

Natalie

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by amberl10

We are considering domestic adoption. We'd probably do semi-open but still my only fear with domestic is the birth mother, we aren't comfortable with our child having a lot of contact with her. We'd be fine with photos and updates but visits I'm not so sure about. Is there a way around this does anyone know?

You can chose whatever adoption arrangement that you feel that works best for you and your child. Just be certain that your agency represents your desires accurately. When my daughter was considering adoption for her son, she was contacted by couples who claimed that they were offering an open adoption but later revealed that they did not want contact with her or us. Instead, they offered pictures and a letter "once or twice a year" - we considered this a semi-open adoption. I believe that the couples were being coached by their agencies to offer a lot up front and then try to negotiate no contact. For an expectant parent (and his/her family) who is looking forward to an open adoption, it is very painful to be told that the couple who wants to love and care for their child has decided on no contact. Needless to say, my daughter refused to play this game and cut off discussions with any couples who tried it.

So, that is a long way of saying - just be honest with what you want and be sure that your agency represents your desires accurately. Good luck.

Happy G'Ma

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by happygmom

I believe that the couples were being coached by their agencies to offer a lot up front and then try to negotiate no contact. Happy G'Ma

((((((((((shudder)))))))))))) I cannot see how an agency could keep thier license if they did this. Further more, cannot fathom WHY they would do this. I mean open adoption is for the CHILD, not the bmom or the aparents (although it does have postitives for them also). So I just don't see how someone could SAY they wanted open but then "not". I know everyone's idea of open adoption is different, but to SAY visits and then have no contact knowingly?? BLECH.

Agree, think, be honest, DO NOT over-promise, but RESEARCH. You are entitled to change your mind at this stage!!

Natalie

[DianeS]

Oh, I understand that Runyon. I was just trying to point out that everybody's responses to the original poster were saying that the birth mother could not be successful at taking her child back. But nobody was addressing her fear that the birth mother would TRY to - as you pointed out, that part is still possible.

Amberl10 -
Runyon's comments about a "healthy open adoption relationship" should be helpful to you. Now that Runyon pointed it out, I want to reemphasize that here's a huge difference between an "open adoption" where you just send photographs and facts and figures back and forth, and an "open adoption relationship" where there is healthy give-and-take and an actual good relationship between the parties. Having the "relationship" part does decrease the chance that one party would want to do anything to harm the other. I hope that helps you figure out what you want and the ways to go after it.

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

There are 13 states that currently have legally binding openness agreement laws on the books - so before you make this assumption, make sure you are familiar with the laws in your state.

amberl it was mentioned on this forum that maybe you are afraid of an open adoption from some "Lifetime" movie. Well, you need to understand that I was one who said "It can't happen to me." but it did. How many people now have told me I'm living a "Lifetime" movie? MANY! The bmother used her open adoption "Agreement" to come back on me several times in several different ways. Yes - it can happen and it does happen.

I am the opposite of most people on this board. I envisioned a lovely open adoption with visits and pictures - all the good things that an open adoption CAN BE. But - mine was not. I am all for a positive open adoption experience - but it can turn around on you and really hurt you. Know that.

For those of you who have had a positive open adoption experience I am happy for you. I'm glad that my initial dream really does happen for families.

[Kindreds]

Amber - at least your are being honest stating you would feel jealous of the child's mother. I am sure you will find someone who willo be compatible with the level of openess you desire, but what ever you do, do not deceive in order to adopt as soon as possible. The worst stories I hear are about deception on these boards by women who claim the need to close the adoption but were never honest with themselves (or they knew in their hearts while they were searching and waiting but were afraid to be honest thinking no one would pick them) I believe it was just two years ago a mother on these boards committed suicide when her adoption was closed by the woman that wrote fast track adoption. So sad

[polkadotghost]

I felt exactly the same way you did when we initially started looking into adoption. I was terrified of another "mommy" in the picture. But I remember at one adoption conference seeing a presentation about open adoption and a family who had a lot of contact with the birthmothers of their children. I was amazed. I did a lot of research on the benefits and negatives of open adoption and talked to a lot of birthmoms and adoptive parents on this wonderful board).
We were blessed to have our daughter's birthmom come into our lives and stay a part of our lives. She is a truly amazing woman and I consider her a dear friend. It was hard in the beginning and I was always terrified that our daughter would love her more and call her mommy but then I realized that talks more about the quality of my realationship with my daughter. We have an extremly open adoption bascially visits whenever sometimes 2x a week up to every couple of months. My daughter calls her birthmom "Mim" (I personally did not feel comfortable with calling her by her first name and that was our decision to honour her with a special title). We chat every so often and email a lot. I found the more contact we have the less frightened and paranoid (boy am I a paranoid person at times let me tell you!) I was. We chat about the future and scenarios and both of our fears in regards to our daughter.
I know we have a very unique relationship and I am very proud of it. Our daughter will never be "surprized" by her adoption or be tormented by wonderings of "what are my birthparents like?". She'll always know, it will always be a part of her life and just a natural part of life (whatever that means). I've read about how emotional and difficult reunions can be later in life and I don't want my daughter to go through that. I want her questions and worries delt with in the moment not built up over time. I just keep reminding myself its what is best for our daughter not me. Again I'm not promoting that everyone should do as I do but this is just an example of how it can work. But every realtionship is different and I strongly recommend research, explore this board, adoptee and birthmother boards and whatever you decide is best for your family please be honest and stick with your agreement. Its a promise you are making to your child as well. Good luck!!!