[AMom2Two]

I need opinions please..

Here is a short history. Our dd is 5 years old

We met bfather after he relinquished. He had a 6 month relationship with dd bmom. She ended it and she never told him that she was pregnant. He found out about our dd when the adoption agency contacted him when our dd was three days old (before we were in the picture). He was informed that he was named the father of a baby girl and baby's mother is placing the child for adoption thru their agency, they needed to meet with him. He informed them that he was taking custody of the child and would not sign, but after sitting on his decision for 2 days called the agency and said he was reading to sign. The baby was still in the hospital. That is when we were notified of dd birth and situation. Before we bought the child home from the hospital, he signed, he told the social worker he was interested in meeting us.

We meet when dd was 6 weeks old and decided to meet once a year at the agency picnic. We meet there for 3 years straight. Each visit was hard on him upon leaving. I would see him choking back tears as he walked away. Last year, he did not make it. He got married and said he would be away on his honeymoon that week. We told him to contact us when he wanted to get together. We have not heard from him.

This past picnic, we did not invite him as we had in-laws in town from Florida. He did not contact us.

I was thinking of contacting him since we could not invite him to the picnic to see if he wants to visit but I feel kind of like we're chasing him. Ever since the first visit, he has our telephone number and we have always told him, if you need more visits, just call. He never did. Last year, we sent him the invite to the picnic 4 weeks prior to the picnic which is held on a Sunday. The Thursday before the picnic, I had my dh call him because we haven't heard from him. That is when we were told that he got married and plan to be away and can not attend the picnic. Dh and him had a nice conversation and before dh hung up he told him again call when you want to get together. He never called.

Part of me wants to contact him one more time, yet another part of me feels this is his way of saying, leave me alone. I don't want to chase him, or bother him. I don't know if he is feeling unsure of where he fits into all of this, as he does seem to be the sensitive type. We do know he married a woman 10 years older then him, who had 4 children and she does not have custody of any of those children. He said they were living with their father in Florida which they were planning to visit and break the news to.

We always got along great when we did visit with her bfather. At the last visit he told me that it was getting easier for him. We have always been the last people to leave the picnic.

I'm starting to get the feeling that if I want dd bfather in our life, I have to do all the work and I don't want that. It makes me feel as if I'm chasing him. My dd has a father, I don't need to chase this man around. I feel he needs to step up to the plate some. I don't want to push this relationship when I don't have the other side really embracing it, KWIM?

Would I be "too pushy" to contact him again, but what do I say? Do you want to visit? Give him our telephone number again. It's starting to feel uncomfortable....

Maybe I should wait until next year to invite him to the picnic again and see what he says. Is that a better idea?

Any opinions?

[myheart]

Originally Posted by AMom2Two

I need opinions please..


Part of me wants to contact him one more time, yet another part of me feels this is his way of saying, leave me alone. I don't want to chase him, or bother him. I don't know if he is feeling unsure of where he fits into all of this, as he does seem to be the sensitive type.
Any opinions?

If you feel that strongly about it,......Then I think you should contact him. Be honest with him. Let him know about your feelings. Be sure to be upfront with him and ask him if this is what he wants. If it is to hard for him and sez "That right now he cannot stay in touch" (for whatever reason).....Than let him know that your only a phone call away if he feels differently in the future. Do not be afraid of the unknown. Somone once said that "Fear is a cage that keeps us locked up from the Truth".(or something like...KWIM)So, do not be afraid to share your heart....you may be surprised at what truth is revealed.

My sons b-fathers family seem to wonder in and out of our lives, and thats ok with me. If they wanted a closer relationship, I would welcome them with open arms. But, it has to be their choice not mine. They know they can contact me anytime they want.

Hope, I made sense?

[HBV]

Can you just send him a note w/ some photos and news with an invitation to set up a visit again at his convenience? You aren't responsible for his actions, just for yours. Invite him to visit because it's right for your daughter. It's up to him to decide how he responds to the invitation.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by HBV

Can you just send him a note w/ some photos and news with an invitation to set up a visit again at his convenience?

We do that each year at Christmas time. I send photo's and a note with our number, saying if you want to visit with us, just call.

He never does. Maybe I should wait until Christmas and send the usual note and pictures. I feel kind of like he wants to be left alone. This will be the second year in which he hasn't visited her.

[munchkinwoman]

I suggest go to the agency and have the agency contact him and have them tell him you would like to visit him and let the agency give your phone number and let the ball be in his court after that.

[Leigh131313]

actually...i would not go back to the agency.

You're already personally involved with him....he might feel hurt that you went through someone else.

I'd probably wait until next christmas. You've been very upfront and open with him....if you are feeling that he is needing some space, you are probably right.

[Isabo]

AMom2Two,

I think that you should continue to pursue contact with your daughter's bfather. This is a man who had was pressured to relinquish from the moment he found out he was a father. He had no time to prepare - no time to process the idea that he was a father. Everyone was waiting for him to make a decision. What horrible pressure he must have been under! I feel for him. I am sure he is still grieving. I know I am still grieving the loss of my son, and he is 26 years old AND I am in reunion with him.

I would think that the situation has been difficult for him and continues to be painful. He probably enjoys the visits and then hurts very badly afterwards. He does need to make an effort. However, it sounds like he is having trouble understanding that he is important and unreplaceable in his daughter's life. This concept is foreign to many bparents, who end up believing the incorrect adoption propaganda that says they are no longer important, that they are replaceable and that they have been completely replaced.

I am confused as to why you broke your agreement with him to meet him at the picnic. Having in-laws in town does not sound like much of a reason. Yes, he missed a picnic to attend his own wedding. Its very unfortunate he didn't or couldn't schedule that differently. However, his next promised picnic meeting was canceled by you, in violation of your agreement. Please remember that adoptive parents have ALL OF THE POWER when it comes to scheduling visits - and bparents are painfully aware of that. So, your failure to invite him to the agreed yearly meeting may have been a blow to him - I don't know. I know you have offered him other visits, and I can only guess that he is not taking you up on the visits because of the reasons I have already mentioned. .

I think you should continue to reach out. This man lost his child with 2 days notice. I wonder if he has ever gotten any counseling for that. Did the agency care enough to follow through with him about that? Some day he may be in a place where he can understand his value to his daughter.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by Isabo

I am confused as to why you broke your agreement with him to meet him at the picnic. Having in-laws in town does not sound like much of a reason. Yes, he missed a picnic to attend his own wedding. Its very unfortunate he didn't or couldn't schedule that differently. However, his next promised picnic meeting was canceled by you, in violation of your agreement. Please remember that adoptive parents have ALL OF THE POWER when it comes to scheduling visits - and bparents are painfully aware of that. So, your failure to invite him to the agreed yearly meeting may have been a blow to him - I don't know. I know you have offered him other visits, and I can only guess that he is not taking you up on the visits because of the reasons I have already mentioned. .

Yes, we missed this year's picnic, but I don't feel we breach our oral contact with him, if anything, he breached it first. It's not as if we didn't visit and he doesn't have any of our contact information. In fact, he has our email address, our home address and our hone phone numbers. He has many letters from us, asking him to visit, come down and see where she lives. Five years worth of letters.

He has never given us the impression that HE wants to pursue this relationship. It was always me doing all the contacting.

To be honest, we were so dismayed that he missed last year's picnic and we feel he wouldn't have let us know he wasn't going to go, unless my dh contacted him to see if he would make it. We felt as if he was blowing us off. This past year, we when dh's mother and father came to town. They only visit once a year, they didn't plan the trip until early May, and came the first week of June, which is when the picnic is. We couldn't tell them, no we can't see you on Sunday because we might have a visit with dd bfather. They already do not support our open adoptions. Telling them we couldn't be here for their visit would have made thing harder for us. Also, dd was looking forward to seeing her grandmother and pop-pop. She loves them and enjoys spending time with them. To turn down dd grandparents visit for dd bfather might be visit, did not seem right to us.

I think this man is telling us he wants to be left alone. We have given him every opportunity to reach out to us. I am always telling him to please call in his Christmas card. He knows he can visit at any time, yet he never makes any effort.

My fear is that I will chase him, try to keep him in this relationships, when he really doesn't want any part of it. He did not like our dd mother. He was upset with her for placing. He says our dd looks like her. I don't want to push him to have a relationship with dd. It's not fair to my dd either. He needs to step up and say what he wants. He is saying and doing nothing, which leads me to believe, he wants nothing.

I'm starting to feel, 5 years into this, that I am forcing him to do this. I will not force him any longer. He can contact us, when he is ready. He might not have told his new wife about dd either.

I will send his yearly update and pictures at Christmas, write in there that we were unable to attend the picnic this year due to dh family being in town, and say that we hope to see him at next year's picnic or sooner if he wants to visit.

Just because we have open adoptions, does not mean that "we" the aparents have to do all the work. The other parties need to let us know, yes we want to visit or no, we don't. It's not fair to lay it all on us and expect us to keep offering our child to them, when they show no sign of wanting to see the child.

Open adoption does not make me more liable them him, even if I do have all the power, as some seem to think. I feel powerless in this position to keep a relationship going between dd and her bfather, when he doesn't make the effort.

Again, we have not shut our door on him, he has our contact information. He's been told over and over again, if you want to visit just call. What more are we supposed to do?

[HBV]

Frankly, if he is a grown man and knows when the annual agency picnic is scheduled, I don't think a failure on your part to call and make sure he's coming (which is how I took your post) constitutes breaking your agreement.

We also have to initiate all the contact w/ our birthfather, so I understand your frustration. I also agree that he has to take some responsibility for the relationship, but I don't think the answer is for you to stop trying. I look at it this way---it is best for my child to keep those lines of communication open, and I can only control what I do. I can't make him respond, and I can't tell with any certainty why he does what he does. What I can do is keep up my end. I will always be able to look my son in the eye and say that we did everything we could.

[AMom2Two]

He is a grown man. He is 33 years old now.

[munchkinwoman]

I personally wouldn't persue him because he may take that as a form as harassment. If you had a mediator like the agency that may help.

[mom2GRLC]

I'm sure it must have been very upsetting to find out last minute that he wasn't even going to be there and probably wasn't going to call or anything. Your DD is old enough to anticipate his coming and I'm sure it broke your heart to know that he wasn't putting her first(even just one time a year) to make sure he made it to go see her. I think your Momma Bear instincts are coming out a little. It's hard to forgive someone when they do something that you see hurts or has the potential of hurting your child.

I would cut the guy some slack though. He really only missed one visit. You can't get mad at him for missing another visit he wasn't even invited to. You may be right. He may not have planned to even contact you to tell you he wasn't coming. Then again he might have been on the fence about it until your husband called, then decided not to go cause it would be too hard for him.

I understand you were hurt by him. But in reality you did the same thing to him. You didn't contact him to tell him you weren't going this year. What if he had shown up and you weren't there? You could use the same scenerio for him...."he doesn't care enough for your daughters feelings to make it to a planned visit even just once a year" the same could be said about you " You don't care enough about DD's connections to her birthfather that you can't arrange your schedule just one day a year to make it to visit him and keep it a priority".

I'm just saying that we all make mistakes in relationships. We all get hurt feelings and may act on those feelings when really we should strive to take the higher road.

I know how hard it is to be an adoptive mother. To try and maintain contact when you feel like your doing all the work and their reaping all the benfits.

But if you just think of how he must feel to see her and to know that that is his daughter yet he is missing out on so much of her life. how painful it must be to even go to a visit or look at her picture. It may be easier to see that although you may be doing all the planning and maintenance type work in the relationship....he certianly caries the greater burden emotionally and when you see him and you see his tears I'm sure you know that is true.

Keeping an open adoption is very hard. But when you see the smile and and tears on the birthfamilies face and see how grateful they really are and how much joy it brings to them to see their bchild again it makes it all worthwhile. Your DD will sense his love and that will forever change her life to know ...that above anythign else....she is truly loved by so many.

I say don't give up. Realize what a blessing it is to have him in your DD's life even when you have to do all the planning and contacting. She will still reap the benefits from that contact regardless of who makes the first call.

[munchkinwoman]

Visiting Should Be What He Wants As Well.

[AMom2Two]

After talking to my dh about this more, we have decided that we should call him and ask him how he feels about this now. How does he want to proceed (be left alone or try to do yearly visits again). Dh said he did tell his new wife about our dd. He remembered that about the conversation they had. We both feel since we missed inviting him this year to the picnic that we need to reach out to him.

Now dh and I are going back and forth on who should be the one to call. I think he should call and he tells me I should be the one to call. He says you handle both of their birth mothers you should handle this. I don't know, I think it should be a guy to guy thing. We'll see....

I'll let you know what happens. Thank you ((everyone)) for your opinions.

[myheart]

Good for you momtwo!



I will be praying for you!


Hope that everything will work out for you.
I'm with you on the guy to guy thing.
If I were in your shoes I would ask my hubby to do the calling.
I do the mom to mom thing, it's only fair that my hubby do the father thing.

Many blessings sent your way.