[AMom2Two]

Yesterday as I was doing some scrapbooking, my 5 year old daughter came into the office, asking me what I was doing. I told her that I'm doing a scrap page for her life book and showed her what I had done so far. She said that is nice and asked me, "where is my lifebook". I told her over there on the other table and she went over to it, sat down and started paging thru it.

She started asking me questions about this and that, as I continued my scrapbooking, intent to get my project done before dinner, I would answer her without looking at her. She came to a picture of my sister laying on the couch pregnant with her son, as my newborn daughter laid cuddled up into her. She pointed to my sisters belly and said," is that N in there". I've pasted the picture below to share.

Sensing an upcoming conversation that might require my attention, I put down my scrapbooking and come take a seat next to her, "yes it is," I say. "That is N in that big belly, she says to herself pointing to my sisters huge belly. She turns to me and asks, "and you were in Nana's belly?" and I said that is right, and she gets quiet........ and I say to her, "and whose belly did you grow in?" and she said "P's belly" and I said, "that is right" and she smiles. I asked her if she wanted to see a picture of P with her BIG (I exaggerate the world big and she laughs) belly, her eye's lite up as I point to the picture. "Look Ma, there is me as a new baby, and there is P's big belly, she says as she laughs and falls backward onto the floor, giggling. "I was in there?" and I said yes, and here is a picture of P holding when you were 3 days old and here is another one of P kissing you on your her big chipmunk cheeks that you had as a newborn. "Oh yeah, she says as she giggles, looking at the pictures and then points to another picture, "and here is one of you Mommy and P and me" and I say that is right, and she giggles.

Then her giggles left her and I saw a shadow come over her hazel eye's, as they turned storm like and questioning, she looked at me and said, "P didn't want me so she gave me away?"

Tears sprung to my eyes, but didn't overflow and I touched her little leg and I said, "no honey, P wanted you very much, she loves you very much, she couldn't take care of you the way she wanted you be taken care of.

Oh she say's, her chipper little self returning, as she turns the pages and starts to pointing out other pictures and how little she was, and here is daddy with her swimming in the pool, etc.

Later that night, I pondered over and over why she would say that, that P didn't want her. We never said that. I went to bed feeling uneasy about it all..... bothered as why she would say that.

In the morning, it came to me....
She associated her giving her little girl friend some of her old toys because she no longer wanted them, with herself being given as a baby and just assumed that because she doesn't want her toys she gives them away, that P must not have wanted her. That has to be how she got there. Lately we have been cleaning together and I will make her go thru her old clothes and toys and put 5 items in the bag that she doesn't want or play with any longer. Somehow I think she got these two things mixed up, at least I hope that is how she came to that statement!

I'm glad I caught this. I'm glad she didn't continue thinking this to herself, that she wasn't wanted.

Has anyone else crossed any similar bridges with their children. Do you think I handled this in the right manner?

[DebCsMom]

Those are tough moments when conversation turns that way. How old is your DD?

We have 3 adopted children & 2 bio. All our adoptions are very open. Our 4 year olds BMom sends gifts very frequently. Inside she will always have a couple things for the other two. When the packages come they get excited to see who it is for. It is 99% of the time for our 4 year old. Our 6 year old always gets sad. Our 4 year old will tell her, "I will share my things with you." Our 6 year old will then say, "I know my BMom doesn't send me things because she doesn't have alot of money. But I know she stil loves me very much". I have told her that MANY times. She understands but it still makes you sad.

Our children are sooooo much smarter than we think!

Deb

[Free_to_be_me]

I am a birthmom, but I have had a similar experience. My birthdaughter was about 9 or 10 years old and we were just sitting and watching tv or something. Then, out of nowhere she looks at me and says "What would have happened to me if you couldn't have found anyone to take care of me when I was born?" Uhhhg! Tear my heart out! I looked at her and said "Well, when you were born, there were lots and lots of people who wanted you to live with them and I picked your mom and dad because I think they are wonderful and knew they would do a great job. BUT, if I couldn't have found someone to take care of you, I would have kept you with me and would love you just as much as I do now."

AMom2Two-I think you handled your daughter's question perfectly. That is exactly what I would want my birthdaughter's mom to say if she ever asked that question. Great job with the quick thinking.

DebCsMom-My birthdaughter has a younger sister who was also adopted. The differences between my relationship with the family and the other birthparents has been a little hard on the little sister. I am able to visit a little more often and am more consistant with contact so she knows me very well. I aways make sure that I give her some special attention because although I know the family because of my birthdaughter, I love the entire family.

[spitzlvr]

Oh Amom! You handled that great!!!

It is no nice to see you on the forum - I think of you guys alot.

Send me an email - we should get together!

Spitz

[Mommy24]

As I post this I have tears falling, from a birthmom perspective, You handled that very well. I pray that if my bson has ever asked that question or had those thoughts that it was handled exactly as you handled it
*hugs*

[BarbaraB]

I think your reply was exactly right. As an adoptee from the "you were chosen" generation (born in 1962) I always HATED the explanation "she loved you so much that she gave you up." There is a huge difference between that and "she loved you BUT she gave you up." As your daughter revealed, any child knows that if you really love something, you do not give it away. Good for you for being so in tune with where your daughter "is" right now.
Barbara

[SchmennaLeigh]

You handled it perfectly.

Thank you for sharing that. *BIG HUGS*

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by BarbaraB

As your daughter revealed, any child knows that if you really love something, you do not give it away.

(((BarbaraB)))


((Mommy24)) Thank you for sharing your prespective from the other side.

Thank you everyone for your replies! You have comforted my mind!!!!

Sometimes you feel kind of tongue tied when you are put on the spot and your try to run all your possible anwsers thru your head, as a little set of eye's is watching you intently.

I read a lot here of what upset adoptee's and I tried to be careful not to use anything that I read.

Thank you EVERYONE for sharing your comments.

((((((((((((((((Spitz)))))))))) Good to see you again!!!! I've missed you also!! I need to talk to you. I'll pm you the next chance I get!!!

[Free_to_be_me]

Originally Posted by BarbaraB

As your daughter revealed, any child knows that if you really love something, you do not give it away. Barbara

As a birthmomther, I must respectfully, but very strongly, disagree.

[AMom2Two]

The reason I highlighted that statement of Barbara's is because I found it very profound and most likely accurate for a young child to make this association.

For example, I have tried disciplining her in "time outs" in her room, that did not work. When I tried the technique of taking away something she loved (i.e., her bunny, CD player, certain video's, favorite clothes, etc.), she would correct herself so that she wouldn't lose the item she loved. She loves the item so much that she was willing to change her behavior to keep it.

So in her young mind, she jumped to the conclusion that she wasn't loved/wanted and that is why she was given away. A very inaccurate statement, which was explained to her. She doesn't know what "take care of you in the way she wants you to be taken care of", means yet. She will ask when she is ready, but for now, I answered her question, assured it wasn't so, and she moved on. I didn't keep her on the subject, I let her take the lead. I'm letting her process this at her pace.

It's kind of funny in a sense that the agency told us to tell her "her story" often when we bring her home and we have, however I realized today, she never really got any of it, until SHE starts asking the questions.

[StorkWatcher]

mom2two - first of all, LOVED that photo!!! She's soooo cute there, next to her cousin-in-the-oven.

Thanks for sharing. I wonder how I'll handle these same questions, and I think your response was GREAT.