[ValerieP]

I am the amom in an open adoption. I send monthly updates with pictures (until age 6 after age 6 it goes to every other month updates and a yearly video until age 18), a video twice a year, and the agreement was for 3 visits a year. I always try to give as much information as possible in each monthly update, because I have always felt it was important for the birthfamily to know. The birthfamily has our home phone, our cell phone and is still in contact with the agency we went through.

My question is... I have both verbally on the phone and written-wise in the updates reminded her that whenever she wants a visit, to please let us know.

Do you think that is alright, leaving the visits for her to schedule (in other words, when she wants to see our daughter, she can call and let us know when she would like to visit?) I would really like to hear from all sides. Thanks.

[ourdreamcametru]

I think it depends on the bmother and how motivated she is. Ours originally wanted to visit every holiday and two other times during the year but we didn't think that was something we could do so we told her no visits until Castle was old enough to want to visit. Once the adoption was over we decided that once a year would be something we could do and arranged for a visit at birthday time each year. Last year everything went great but this year we had to twist "E's" arm to get her to make time. We sent updates and pictures every three months the first year and twice the second. "E" told me that she has moved so much she doesn't know where everything is so now I am keeping copies here in a box for her, which she doesn't know about, so that when Castle turns 18 I can ship her everything at once. If I waited for "E" to plan visits they would not happen so for us it would not work to leave it up to her. I usually end up planning with her grandmother and she gets the family all lined up to visit on a certain date.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I needed them to schedule for me at first because I didn't want to feel as though I was interfering. Now? We both pick times that will work for us. One will call the other and it's just discussed if it will work or not. But the first year I was pleased that they took the lead in that; they asked me if I was ready for one and I said "yes" and we went from there.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Our adoption agreement actually states that the visits will be around the second weekend in February and the second weekend in August. So far we have only had one visit, then his birthday too. We have visits with his b-gma because bmom has issues she is dealing with right now. I like the idea of it being structured because it gives everyone kind of a guideline or timeline.

[mom2GRLC]

I would maybe purpose a date and ask her if that will work for her. Then just wait and see if she says that will be good for her. At least it won't be just an open invitation. It will let her know you do want to see her and maybe at least get her talking about it.

[Free_to_be_me]

In the beginning, I think the aparents are the ones who actually set up the visit. It made the most sense, because they were inviting me to their house and I would have felt rude inviting myself. I actually did invite them to my house (my parent's house) for my graduation party, but then I uninvited them because I realized that I hadn't told any of my extended family that I had had a baby and didn't think that would be the time or place. They totally understood why they were uninvited and I reinvited them for a different weekend. So, I guess whoever's house the visit was going to be at was the one who did the inviting...I don't know what would have happened if we had been meeting somewhere nuetral.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by ValerieP

I am the amom in an open adoption. I send monthly updates with pictures (until age 6 after age 6 it goes to every other month updates and a yearly video until age 18), a video twice a year, and the agreement was for 3 visits a year. I always try to give as much information as possible in each monthly update, because I have always felt it was important for the birthfamily to know. The birthfamily has our home phone, our cell phone and is still in contact with the agency we went through.

My question is... I have both verbally on the phone and written-wise in the updates reminded her that whenever she wants a visit, to please let us know.

Do you think that is alright, leaving the visits for her to schedule (in other words, when she wants to see our daughter, she can call and let us know when she would like to visit?) I would really like to hear from all sides. Thanks.

In our situation, we have been the initiators. As you have, we always make it clear we are ready for a visit, but every time we've actually had to suggest a date and time for us to meet.

[lahdh4]

It took awhile but latley I am the one calling L to set up a visit. I call them up and we work around their schedule and we go from there. I would just ask her if she would like to schedule something and go from there. It took me awhile before I was ready to handle a visit.

[ayj91]

My wife and I adopted a 2 year old girl in March 2004 through the county of San Bernardino. Before the adoption was finalized bmom had weekly supervised visits at the county office. We agreed to an open adoption and visits were to be in May during her birthday and December. My wife and I drew up a non-binding contract that bmom had to sign and agree to. This included us contacting bmom and scheduling the visits.

The first visit went well and was at a nuetral location. When it came time to schedule the second visit in December 2004 we couldn't locate bmom so we cancelled the visit. We went through the post adoption office to hunt down bmom for the May 2005 visit and although we found her she made it difficult to schedule around her. In December of 2005 we were shocked to find that bmom was pregnant and married. Although we started out sending letters and photos we had stopped because bmom never wrote back so we never communicate. While trying to schedule a May 2006 visit we requested that bmom visit alone without the new baby and husband and she got very offended and again made it difficult to schedule because she says she couldn't find a baby sitter. We promptly cancelled the visit when she didn't get back to use until a few hours after the scheduled visit.

Our adoption counselor questioned why we were initiating the visits. Apparently bmom should call the post adoption office when the visitation periods come around which seems logical to me. The responsibility should be placed with the bmom in my opinion. This will let us know how serious she is about seeing our daughter. Right now we're opposed to the new baby attending the visits because we feel it would be a distraction. The visits are normally 60-90 minutes.