[lorikr]

I am in the final stages of adoption and the baby is due any day now. I have a good open relationship with the bp's - they live about 1 hour away and I have been going to all appointments for the last few months. This weekend the ** offered to pump her breastmilk for the baby. From what I understand this would be way healthier for the baby but stressful for the **. I discussed this with her and she would really like to do it. I think it would probably involve breastfeeding that first day in the hospital. We were open to the idea since it would be healthier for the baby and althought there is some concerns about ** & baby attachment I discussed with her and she said she would be fine with it. Now the agency coordinator has found out about it and is freaking out. She thinks this would be a HUGE mistake and that the ** might want to change her mind, the hospital staff will try and talk her out of it if she does, etc.... I worry about all that, but am torn between what is best for the baby vs what 'could' happen.

I am looking for any feedback on this, including how this would affect the ** if everything goes as expected.

Thanks!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Note: Your post is infiltrated with asterik's because using the abbreviation B-M is offensive to many firstparents. Other note: She's not a birthmother and they are not birthparents until they sign the TPR.

You can tell the agency coordinator to go take a long walk off a short pier. Not only is it not YOUR decision on whether or not the Mother breastfeeds in the hospital, it's CERTAINLY not the agency's decision. Until she signs the TPR, she is the one and only Mother, no matter what you have discussed prior to the labor and delivery. She should be treated as such, especially in the hospital as that is her ONLY time as the child's ONLY Mother.

Beyond that, I would definitely encourage her to do so if she is thinking about doing it. I was DIScouraged from doing so (oh, by the flipping agency) and now have regret and guilt regarding not giving my child the best nutritional start to her life simply because some lovely agency wanted to make sure I would place my child so that they could get paid. (Note: not all agencies are intent on their money but OURS was.)

Seriously, encourage her. If she's all ready voiced wanting to do so, she will regret NOT doing so.

[lorikr]

Thanks for the quick response. I apologise for the name reference, I am new to this and still learning.

I want to support her and whats best for her as well. I know it is her decision and we were very excited about it til this morning when we were told that all the hospital staff would start causing problems and she thinks her friend is trying to talk her into/out of things etc.. I really just want what is best for the baby in the end, and I think being fully supportive of the mom is part of that.

Thanks!

[SchmennaLeigh]

No prob, just thought I'd give you a quick heads up.

Commend her for wanting to do something totally awesome for her child. Tell her that she has your support. And, if you will be at the hospital as well, can you possibly be on "Stupid Hostpital Staff Patrol?" Believe me, someone, hopefully only one, will say something off handed. Hopefully they'll say it to YOU and not to HER.

It makes me smile that you're working so hard to support her. So very, very cool. (You may also want to mention how breastfeeding, including pumping, reduces a woman's risk for breast cancer. http://www.ivillage.co.uk/pregnancya...180863,00.html That's one link on the studies but there are more if you take the time to look it up for her!)

Keep us updated. And welcome.

[ess922]

Just wanted to acknowledge how common this is... The expectant mom we are matched with delivered her baby yesterday. Once she told the hospital staff she planned to place baby for adoption they discouraged her from breastfeeding and said she could not room-in w/ baby unless she is bfing. I am not there with her to advocate for her in-person but talking to her on the phone I told her to ignore them and bf if thats what she wants to do.

My only question is this... if she does choose to place baby, once we take the baby to the hotel to await ICPC, she won't be able to continue bf-ing. Will this be harder/sadder for her?? Not that I am afraid it will change her mind (if she decides she wants to parent him, I wholeheartedly believe that is her right!) but I just worry that it will just make her grieving process even harder once she's no longer able to bf and has to watch her milk dry up.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Ess; Can she pump while you're still at the hotel at the very least?

I was also not "allowed" to have my baby room in. Sigh. Hospital staff members NEED to be educated! GUH!

[mom2GRLC]

I would support her in this choice to breastfeed. Only she can decide what she can handle and what she can't. If the decision to place her baby is right before breastfeeding it will be right after as well. It may give her the strength she needs to let her go, knowing she did everything she could to provide her baby with the best start in life(and it will certainly be BEST for the baby to receive the colostrum full of antibodies).

Has she offered to continue to supply breastmilk for the baby after she has placed? I think that can be a more delicate subject. Of course breatmilk is BEST(in most cases) but that could be more difficult on everyone especially the birthmom as it will be very time consuming to be pumping all the time and properly storing the milk and transporting it.

Have you considered breastfeeding yourself. I'm not sure if you are aware but you can induce lactation even when you have never been pregnant. Many woman start off by using these supplementer feeders at the breast. You fill the supplemneter with either donated breastmilk(which you could be supplied by the pbmom) or formula. The sucking action stimulates your own breasts to create milk(the exact same quality of milk the birthmother would have produced a week or so after the birth...once the colostrum is gone). Except your milk will be more suted to your child because you will pass along the antibodies for the viruses and colds your family comes in contact with.

There are several really good websites where you can get more information if your interested.

[mom2GRLC]

I'm just curious....how can the hospital say "you are not allowed" to do soemthing. I mean it's your baby not theirs...why MUST the baby be in the nursery? I've never dealt with a hospital (maternity ward) but it just seems like if you give birth(even outside of adoption) you should be able to have your baby with you at all times.

[mom2GRLC]

if that is the case(with all these rules) I can see why home births and birthing centers are becoming much more popular.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hospitals think that they know best, especially when it comes to adoptions. It's sad. Thankfully where I delivered my Son last year was quite progressive and wondrous.

[ourdreamcametru]

I suggest that you and your pbmother go together and talk to a counsler at the hospital where she will be delivering the baby. We did this and it made it so much easier on all of us when labor started. The staff knew what we all wanted and followed along very cheerfully. They gave my husband and I a room of our very own so we could room in with the baby, our bmother didn't want to have the baby except for a few minutes after she was born but did come down the hall to visit several times. My husband and I were able to keep Castle in the room with us the entire time. The counsler came around to our room and "E's" several times a day while we were there and made sure we were treated as we pleased. As far as the breastfeeding, I think it is wonderful that not only did your pbmother decide to give this child the gift of life, she has thought through and is trying to give it every possible advantage she can in the short time she will have with the baby. If this is truly meant to be she will not change her mind just because she breastfeeds.

[taramayrn]

If not a counsellor or the hospital social worker, but the unit's Nurse Manager.

[sajofo]

HI,

Just a note to jump in here, I was thankful I could tell my bson when I met him that yes, 28 years ago, I snuck and breastfed him, in the hosp. I also fed him all his bottles because I "told them" I would be his mommy till he had his new one. I have never regretted that. He told his ad-mom also, and she thought that was neat.

He has been living with me and hubby for 3 mos now.
He is soon 30, we have our ups and downs, but it is a healing time for all involved.

Go ahead and encourage her to nurse, and take a picture if you can, they will both treasure it someday.

love and hugs.
sajofo

[lorikr]

Just a quick update. I was not able to read all comments yet, but am looking forward to. I have been up 36 hours and need to get some sleep before going back to hospital. She delivered very early this morning - it was beautiful and we were there for the whole thing. We spent the entire day in the hospital room with mom, dad and baby. We did all taking care of baby, but they observed (this was their preference) and commented that they felt good knowing how much we cared and what a good job they know we will do. I know this time togeather will always be special to all of us!

[BestLight]

Congrats! Keep us posted.

Best to all of you.