[parksd]

I recently met a 23-year-old mother with 3 daughters (age 6, 5, & 3) and she expressed an interest in having my wife & I adopt them. The mother lives in Kansas City and her daughers currently stay w/her ex-husband's mother who does "the best she can" raising them. My wife (31) & I (42) have no children and live in West Virginia.

How do we proceed if we want to make this happen? Can we simply have find a lawyer to take care of this?
Are there agencies we are required to contact to do background checks, parenting training, etc.?

After a discussion on the phone I told the mother I'd write her a letter telling her more about us, where we live, and sending some pictures of us and our home. Does that sound reasonable to do at this time?

What about paying to have them come out and visit us? Do I need to contact lawyers, etc. before doing this?

Thanks for any help,
Don

[ManyTimesBlessed]

You will need a homestudy. That is required for all adoptions. You also should contact a lawyer (make sure it is someone who has done adoptions before) to make sure that everything is done legally and that the adoption is finalized on paper.

I don't know much more than that. Good luck!

~Rachel

[Boulderbabe]

Whoa! Slow this train down! There are many legal steps that need to be taken before an adoption happens, and many emotional ones that need to be taken to make the transition the least stressful for the children. Children are not property to be transferred, and it's important to keep their welfare foremost.

First of all: DO NOT GIVE THIS WOMAN ANYTHING (nothing, not a pen, not a handkerchief, not a figurine, nothing, and definitely not plane tickets) until you have contacted an adoption attorney. If you do so, you may invalidate any future adoption by making it look as if there was a transfer of valuables in exchange for the children.

Second: contact an adoption attorney. Not just any old attorney, but one skilled and experienced in adoption-related matters. This is going to be a complex case.

Third: You will need a homestudy done. Your attorney can recommend a social worker.

Fourth: Don't get your hopes up. These things very often fall through, especially when they begin as informally as this has.

Hope things work out best for you, the children, and their birthmother.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Uhm, first of all, the Mother needs to seek out professional counseling not attached to an agency to make sure this is what she really wants and needs to do.

[rose524]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Uhm, first of all, the Mother needs to seek out professional counseling not attached to an agency to make sure this is what she really wants and needs to do.

Yeah, what she said....Sounds like there is a lot involved as to why this mother wants to relinquish her kids...make sure she is well-counseled, and do some investigating, get an attorney.

[aspenhall]

I had this happen to me somewhat, I'd be glad to answer any questions. I agree, contact a lawyer FIRST, then ask the bmom to seek counseling (some insurances pay for this for her...all this needs to be under advisement of your lawyer. Research Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as this is caused mostly by multiple caregivers (mom then grandma then you certainly qualifies)

Contact your state to see who they will accept a homestudy from (agencies or individuals), get the homestudy done and then proceed with the visits etc... getting to know the children. Arrange for therapy/evaluations for the children as well.

If you do go thru an agency with the homestudy, they may offer post placement counseling as well.

The lawyer will contact the judge in bmom's state to arrange a TPR hearing. And notify the Bdad of the adoption. At this point each state is different. Once both bparents sign TPR in front of a judge, you will still have a waiting period before you can finalize and if it is in a different state than what you live in, then you will have to have an Interstate Childrens Placement Compact done (2-3 weeks)...get a lawyer who has experience in BOTH states (assuming the children and mom live elsewhere)

Oh, man, there is just SO much to worry about here. Retain a lawyer first and foremost.

BTW, our bmom stated she was ALREADY in counseling and did not wish to take advantage of the support from the agency. As I look back, now I see her reasons to place were due to an attachment disorder. All the way, she was in control and sadly did not have much of a support base to help her thru it, I told my lawyer that he'd better look out for HER best interest as WELL as mine and let me know if there was any conflict....since she didn't have legal counsel. He hesitated but I made sure he understood, that my interests lie in protecting HER as well. and by doing that, he'd be helping me.

Be aware that the bdad(s) may not wish to relinquish to you. Good luck and read all these boards on forums.adoption.com (older child adoption, sibling adoptions, private adoption, post adoption issues...etc...)

[ses1230]

Don,

You can find an adoption attorney at www.adoptionattorneys.org .

Also remember that your attorney can not represent both you and the Mother.

Stephanie

[aspenhall]

correct, but some may be able to base their decisions in consideration of the bmom. Some may be unwilling.

[vera19]

i DEFINATELY agree with SchmennaLeigh!

[happygmom]

You need to talk to an attorney before you enter into any kind of agreement, including sending airplane tickets.

How did you meet the mother? Do you know her? Is the father of the children in agreement? Does grandmother agree? Lots of questions to get answered here.

Good luck,

Happy G'Ma