[AMom2Two]

Hi everyone....

I need some advice please...

We are in an open adoption with dd bmom. She has a son who she is parenting. She has another son that lives with his father who she and her son see as often as they can. The older brother, who is 13 is the one who is living with her and knows about our dd. The other brother who is 10 does not know about dd. Bmom and son felt it was best not to tell him as they are afraid it could impact their visits with the boy and would cause them grief.

So my question is this. My dd knows about the brother she sees. She does not know about the other brother. When is the best time to tell her about him? I was under the impression that if they are told when they are little, then it is not big deal with them. I see this with the open adoption and her brother. My dd just accepts him as her older brother. I want to tell her about this other brother, so as not to keep it from her, but I don't know if I should since her bmom and brother don't think it's best to tell him yet. What if dd wants to meet him? Am I opening a can of worms here? My dd is almost 5, so things are starting to come together for her. I don't want her to feel as if "I" am keeping secrets from her. I don't want to wait to long either. I didn't get into open adoption to keep secrets. I don't want to keep this secret from my dd yet it could cause problems between her and her bfamily. Visits with the other son IS NOT a possibility. We have discussed this with her bmom and brother and both feel strongly on keeping them separate. Both brothers have the same father. Our dd has a different bfather.

How can I handle this so that no one gets hurt? Not the bfamily or my dd?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Cans of worms can be fun as long as they're the funny, boingy kind.

I would go about it as that she has another brother that doesn't live with her Mom and Brother (She knows about) and say that, at this time, she can't meet him but maybe someday. It's like relatives that live far away. Also discuss it with the firstmom that you'd rather tell her now than later and have her feel as though you lied. It will be easier now than later. Tell her she doesn't HAVE to tell the other son until SHE is ready, that's her responsibility and she'll have to deal with consequences and fall out from waiting.

I got rambly.

[taramayrn]

I would echo Jenna's suggestions.

[AMom2Two]

Thank you Jenn. I appreciate your opinion!

Do you think 5 is too young to share this?

I kind of think the younger the better, but I'm just not sure. She can comprehend her other brother because she sees him, but at 5 will she understand the meaning of having a brother that she cannot see?

I like that suggested I tell her birthmother first. I didn't think of that, so thank you for sharing. I would have probably shared after the fact but not before. I will discuss it with her before saying anything to dd. I don't want to do anything that might put our relationship in jeopardy.

Thanks for your help. It is much appreciated!

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by AMom2Two

Do you think 5 is too young to share this?

No...think of it the way you feel about telling her she's adopted. The younger the better. It might be hard for her to understand, rightfully so, but get bmom on board and then she can be there to answer questions as well.

[AMom2Two]

Thank you Tara!

I think I will call dd bmom tonight and talk about it with her.

I wonder if it might be easier if I bring this up with her bmother at our next visit, kindof have a united front thing going. Do you think that will make her bmother uncomfortable? I know I can ask her, but wanted to get opinions first.

or would it be better to tell dd one on one, and then talk about it again when her bmother comes?

Do you have a preference of what you may feel is better?

She loves her bmother. She understand she came from her belly. She loves her older brother and just accepts him as such. She doesn't ask yet, why she lives with us and he lives with his mother.

What are your thoughts? Please share?

[taramayrn]

I think call bmom and ask her if she would be willing to help you discuss this with dd on your next visit. That way she's right there to answer questions dd has. I, as a bmom, would, even though it might be uncomfortable, like to be involved and help you talk to dd about this.

[TNfostermom]

When you discuss it with the birth mom see if she would be willing to give you a picture of him. That way your dd can see him and it will seem more real to her. We have a eight month old foster daughter that we are planning on adopting after TPR. She has five older siblings that have been adopted by two foster families and I am trying to get pictures of them, so she can see them as she grows up and I won't have to surprise her with them one day.

[BabsCanada]

You probably *should* talk to birthmom first - since it is an open adoption, I assume you are comfortable talking to her;
I think it's important that you not be put in a position of keeping a secret from your dd; not fair. If bmom and brother have their reasons for not telling the ten year old, you shouldn't compromise your belief in being honest with your dd.
There would be no harm in telling your daughter that she has another birthbrother, who lives far, far away, and she probably won't see him til they're both grown up.
I don't know how you'd explain to your 5 year old that this 10 year old boy doesn't know about her. At 5, she may not question that, but it will certainly come up later. That's a tough one.
Do you know why bmom is insistent on not telling the 10 year old? Seems odd when she is in an open relationship with you & your dd.
Babs