[saspaul]

Perhaps someone can help us.We adopted our daughter, the day after she was born, and we have had periodic contact with the birth mother, who we really like. She ended up marrying the birth father, and they now have two young children. Our daughter is now nine years old, and she has known she was adapted from the beginning. And we've always promised her that she would be able to meet her birth family when she was older, with the idea that when she was 18 she could make the decision as to when. We are now rethinking that decision, and she periodically mentions a "hole in her heart" or a feeling of loneliness that I believe is common to adopted children. We just heard from the birth mother again, and learned about her current family situation, which is very good. They are very willing to establish contact, but also respectful if that does not fit what's best for our daughter. Coincidentally, we found that they had moved and now live quite close to where our oldest daughter is going to college, so that setting up a meeting would be quite easy from the physical/travel/proximity standpoint. My gut feeling at this point is that the truth is always best. And that my daughter might benefit from meeting her birth family, especially since she has two full blood. Younger siblings. The cautious side of me, worries that this might cause problems for both families and especially for our daughter.



Do any of you have experience with a situation like this, or have any advice? Do any of you know, professionals that we could consult that have experience with situations like this?

Thank you for any input, you can provide

[sugarbabysmommy]

This all sounds very positive. I've heard this book recommended a few times and it might help you, "How to Open an Adoption" I found it easily on amazon. If I were in your shoes I'd want my daughter to meet her birth parents now rather than later. Soon enough your daughter will be a teen and she will be pulling away as teens do, I'd rather my daughter meet birth family now, if it's possible, while she still wants me in her life, while she is still cradled in our family rather than trying to jump out into the world. I'm not saying this a possesive message, like at this age I can still have control over her, I'm saying at this age she will still let me catch her if she needs it, but as a teen she might refuse to be helped no matter how much she might need it... as is the nature of the teen. And I just want add, yes it might be very painful for her, hold her in her pain, sit with her in her sadness. It's not about you, or your love or your parenting, it's about her and she needs to be validated regardless of her feelings, happy and sad. OK, off my soap box. All the best, truly

[saspaul]

Thanks for the input. We are trying to learn as much as possible to make the best decision for our daughter. Thanks again.