[Vogi2002]

Okay, My dh and I have just joined an agency that does open adoptions. I personally believe that this is really the right way to go, no matter how difficult it may be for us. Anyway, I have read some posts that says that the child will "always have two moms"...is this the way it is looked at? I believe that the child will have ONE mom, (the Adoptive Mom) and a birthmom. I completely respect the birthmom's out there, and realize and am OK with the child always having a special bond that she has with her. But, to say that the child has two mom's is very confusing. I am still researching Open Adoption and am SO excited to begin, but this kind of freaks me out. As much as I want the birthmom to be our extended family, I don't want my child to think of her as it's "2nd mom".....


I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I am just confused and have not done much research in wording, etc (or just starting out)....I would love to hear experiences, etc!! Thank you!!

[mom2justynsarah]

First of all welcome


I have an open adoption with my daughter's birthmom. My daughter is only a baby right now. So there is really no communication between her & Dee (bmom).

Dee refers to herself as birthmom. So whenver she writes a card or sends a picture, she always signs it "Love your birth mom." She always underlines the word "birth".

I am Sarah's mommy. I am the one raising her since birth. But Dee was the one who gave birth to her. She will forever be her biological mother. So no matter how you slice it, my daughter has 2 mothers.

But she is not being raised by Dee. She is being raised by me...her mommy! Since Dee refers to herself as birthmom, I will continue to do so as well.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Welcome. You question wasn't harsh or disrespectful. Just new.

Adopted children have two families; birth and adoptive. One brings them into the world, one raises them. That said, yes, a child does have two Mothers. (And two Fathers.)

One raises the child, does all of the necessary "yuck" work that comes with Motherhood and usually gets to use the endearing term of "Mommy." One brings the child into the world and entrusts that the Other Mother will be able to do the "yuck" work in the best possible fashion. The birthmother makes a parenting decision on who will raise her child.

Yes, an adopted child has two Mothers.

However, there are boundaries for each family. One doesn't necessarily have to REFER to the Other Mother as a "Mom." I do not expect the Munchkin to call me Mom, though I would never tell her, "Do not EVER call me that!" If her Mom is fine with it, I am fine with it. She does/will know that I am her birthmom, or, as I'm taking a liking to, FirstMom. If D (amom) was uncomfortable with the thought of me ever being referred to as Mom or Mother, it would be a different story but she, herself, asked me why I didn't just say I was simply Munchkin's Mother. Every family is different.

But, the fact remains, no matter what you call it, an adopted child has two families. It doesn't make the Mom who kisses the boo-boos any less of a Mom.

[Vogi2002]

Thank you for answering and forgiving my naivety!! Your explanations make me feel much better! We are just beginning the adoption and are going to have an open adoption (not matched yet) and will be attending a seminar held by our agency and reading books. I love that our agency requires..no..gives us the OPPURTUNITY to do this research, it's amazing how beautifully complex open adoption is, yet what the amazing results it can have!! I know open adoption may come with struggles at times for me (and all adoptive parents), but well, to put it frankly it is not about ME, it is about my child!!! Thanks again, I look forward to listening and posting more to this board! (oh, and I don't mean to offend when saying birthmom, is there another term that is better to use?)

Thanks!

Natalie

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

(oh, and I don't mean to offend when saying birthmom, is there another term that is better to use?)

Everyone is different on this subject. I'm waivering currently and most often use birthmom because it's most widely used and understood. Just keep in mind to discuss it with an expectant Mother on what she would rather be called before and after any adoption.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by FH-SchmennaLeigh

Adopted children have two families; birth and adoptive. One brings them into the world, one raises them. That said, yes, a child does have two Mothers. (And two Fathers.)

One raises the child, does all of the necessary "yuck" work that comes with Motherhood and usually gets to use the endearing term of "Mommy." One brings the child into the world and entrusts that the Other Mother will be able to do the "yuck" work in the best possible fashion. The birthmother makes a parenting decision on who will raise her child.

Yes, an adopted child has two Mothers.

However, there are boundaries for each family. One doesn't necessarily have to REFER to the Other Mother as a "Mom." I do not expect the Munchkin to call me Mom, though I would never tell her, "Do not EVER call me that!" If her Mom is fine with it, I am fine with it. She does/will know that I am her birthmom, or, as I'm taking a liking to, FirstMom. If D (amom) was uncomfortable with the thought of me ever being referred to as Mom or Mother, it would be a different story but she, herself, asked me why I didn't just say I was simply Munchkin's Mother. Every family is different.

But, the fact remains, no matter what you call it, an adopted child has two families. It doesn't make the Mom who kisses the boo-boos any less of a Mom.

I agree with all that Jenna said. I am thankful daily for Bug's first mom. Her parenting choice gave me the privilege of knowing our amazing little girl and getting to do the "yucky" stuff.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

(oh, and I don't mean to offend when saying birthmom, is there another term that is better to use?)

Natalie

I like the term first mother, some would say "other mother", the most accepted term is birthmother. I don't know if anyone has said this you just have to remember that someone considering adoption for their unborn child is NOT a birthmother until she decides to place her child with a adopting family. Until this decision is made, she is the ONLY mother, and is an expecting mother. For me, it made the whole match/birth experience much easier to deal with, not expecting anything until Bug's expecting mom made her decisions. Hope that helps...

Another resource that was helpful to us was a book called "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Ruskai Melina. Personally I found it helpful as it speaks to both expecting parents considering adoption and potential adoptive families.

[leaabc123]

Our girls have two moms, a birth mom and a birth dad. Regardless of their problems, they are their first parents and we will honor that even as we tell our girls the truth of their history .

[LisaCA]

dd will call her bparents "bema" and "beda". she could always call them "mom" or "dad" but I doubt she'll do that, mostly due to the way her bparents feel about those titles (not at all interested in being called mom or dad apparently).

just because dd has a bfather doesn't mean dh isn't dad or that I'm not mom because of her bmom. we all contribute different things to making her who she is. Imho, she has 4 sets of grandparents, none of whom fight over her. surely I could suck it up and share some aspects of the title "mom" .

funny, but dd's birth really made me realize that I really wanted these people to be part of her life and part of our life. it was no longer about abstract hypotheticals and became very concrete. yes I'm her mom and I do all that stuff that moms do, but she also has a first mom. did I believe that before? No, but after having dd around a while, that's where I am now.

oh and I second reading melina's books. totally awesome.

[DebCsMom]

We have 3 total open adoptions. All of our children refer to thier "First Moms" as thier Birth Moms. That's what we have always called them. Even though they are 5, 3 & 2, they know about thier birth Moms. Our children are Biracial & AA, so I can'T ever pull off being their only Mom...not that I would! LOL When we adopted our children, we also added an extended family!

I posted before about a recent visit with our 3 year old Birth Mom. One night our dd Birth Mom & I were sitting on DD's bed. DD came between us, wrapped her arms around us & said, "I love my Mommy's!" It made both her Birth Mom & I cry! It doesn't mean I am less her Mom or she more her Mom, or whatever. I AM her Mom. We were chosen by her Birth Mom to raise her as our daughter! TOTALLY & without ANY conditions!! She is our daughter 100%! But we can't EVER let her forget their was another mother who loved her so much she made the choice she did. It doesn't confuse our daughter. I'm Mommy & "M" is her Birth Mom. All our children know this.

I SOOOOO love that I can share all the milestones, the happy times, the sad times, the funny times with thier Birth Moms!! It's AWESOME & i wouldn't change a thing!!!

Deb

[Moongrl22]

I truly hope you do your research before you go through the adoption process. I think it's wonderful that a child has two set's of parents. I'm a Bmother and I've considered myself a "Tummy mummy" because for nine months, I cared for a child, loved the baby and after giving birth to her I choose to give her up to a wonderful, loving, caring couple who would give her the life she deserved. A life I couldn't offer. I didn't want her to be raised with a single mother and struggling to make it pay check to pay check. The adoptive parents are more than just adoptive parents they are her mom and dad for life. I never want to replace her parents but I am hopeful that some day she will want to know me. Their is so much LOVE to share. I don't mind Sharing in her life and loving her. I also think it's important to respect birth mothers who have sacrificed their own child to loving couples who want a baby to raise. I was able to move forward with my life being at peace that I placed my child with wonderful, loving parents. Thank goodness for OPEN adoption. I gave up my baby, my angel in 1988.

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

Okay, My dh and I have just joined an agency that does open adoptions. I personally believe that this is really the right way to go, no matter how difficult it may be for us. Anyway, I have read some posts that says that the child will "always have two moms"...is this the way it is looked at? I believe that the child will have ONE mom, (the Adoptive Mom) and a birthmom. I completely respect the birthmom's out there, and realize and am OK with the child always having a special bond that she has with her. But, to say that the child has two mom's is very confusing. I am still researching Open Adoption and am SO excited to begin, but this kind of freaks me out. As much as I want the birthmom to be our extended family, I don't want my child to think of her as it's "2nd mom".....


I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I am just confused and have not done much research in wording, etc (or just starting out)....I would love to hear experiences, etc!! Thank you!!

[Vogi2002]

Moon-

Hello!! This thread seemed like forever ago when I wrote it!! I guess just because so much has happened since then (well mostly just waiting). Research wise, I mean. I have read books on open adoption and joined many a discussion here (LOVE these boards) and I totally agree with you. I AM okay with my child having two mom's. I think my biggest fear is coparenting (a fear I don't neccessarily have now due to research and our agencies fabulous counseling every step of the way). Thank you for answering and helping me out, I truly hope people see this post and realize that everyone has a starting point, I know I have grown a LOT since then and STILL have a LOOOONG way to go!!!

Are you searching for your daughter? If so Good luck!!

Natalie

[Moongrl22]

It's wonderful to hear everything has worked out for you. I respect the Aparents that I choose for my little baby girl so much. They are a blessing to me and a wonderful blessing to my first born child. In my eyes her Aparents are angels sent to me from God. God knew I could not care for her like she needed or provide for her. Deep down inside my heart I wished I could have been the one to raise her, guide her, protect her, tucked her into bed, read to her, cared for her when she was sick, hugged her every day and told her how much I loved her. But it wasn't my time to be a parent. I was single and pregnant and it would have been a struggle for both of us. I didn't want that for her. She deserved nothing but the best in life.
I'm a wife and a mother of three children now and it's been magical and life changing experience being a mom. I love it. I feel like I also had a connection with my first born baby girl while she was in my Tummy. I feel like I'm her Tummy Mummy. I may have not raised her but my love for her is so strong. She has been in my thoughts every day for the last 17 yrs.
I never want to replace her parents. I think they are so special and I will honor and respect them until the day I die. Her parents have been completely open and honest with her about being adopted and they have never tried to hide it from her. They have celebrated her life. I'm just hoping that some day I will be part of my daughters life. I'm here for her and I love her more than you know. She is only 17 yrs old and I'm not seeking her out right now. She knows how to reach me and I'm going to respect her process. I want her to feel ready if she wants to have a relationship with me. I'm going to leave it in God's hand. I will be okay with whatever happens.
God bless you and you're wonderful family.

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

Moon-

Hello!! This thread seemed like forever ago when I wrote it!! I guess just because so much has happened since then (well mostly just waiting). Research wise, I mean. I have read books on open adoption and joined many a discussion here (LOVE these boards) and I totally agree with you. I AM okay with my child having two mom's. I think my biggest fear is coparenting (a fear I don't neccessarily have now due to research and our agencies fabulous counseling every step of the way). Thank you for answering and helping me out, I truly hope people see this post and realize that everyone has a starting point, I know I have grown a LOT since then and STILL have a LOOOONG way to go!!!

Are you searching for your daughter? If so Good luck!!

Natalie

[patti Daniels]

My daughter has two moms. She is 18 and has me and her bmom. She calls her bmom by her given name. Which I am happy with and so is her bmom. One blessing with having two moms is that there will be two moms that will love her unconditionally all of her life. This is just my thoughts. I am an amom.

[Moongrl22]

That's a great story. Thanks for sharing. It give's me HOPE for the future. As I've stated before Amom's are special to us Bmom's. You took over when we couldn't do it. You are angel's working for God.

Originally Posted by patti Daniels

My daughter has two moms. She is 18 and has me and her bmom. She calls her bmom by her given name. Which I am happy with and so is her bmom. One blessing with having two moms is that there will be two moms that will love her unconditionally all of her life. This is just my thoughts. I am an amom.