[SchmennaLeigh]

Perhaps you don't realize that's one of the "stages" of grief: anger, denial, etc.

Here's a great write up on grief and how therapists are now dealing with it beyond the old "five specific stages of grief." They can vary greatly.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief

That, in no way, means you had to stand for being called names. Setting boundaries would have been a healthy response to her grieving. But calling it inappropriate is belittling her grief.

That said, I refused counseling until the second year as well. It's called denial.

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

I just have to wonder what's going on when someone claims "I for one stay far away from open adoptions for the fear of any involvement from an actual birthparent". That's all...why are they afraid?

Well, I have an answer for this one:

In my case the birthmother insisted on a bindable open adoption agreement - then failed to follow through - but used the agreement to turn around and file numerous motions against us. She has financially ruined us. She has betrayed us. She has emotionally devastated us. For FOUR years SHE has not followed through on the agreement - WE HAVE - and yet we are STILL in and out of court for blasphemous allegations.

Coparenting? No - she doesn't even visit. She has never once even asked how he is doing.

But she has sure used her insisted-upon agreement to create chaos and disruption in our lives every chance she got.

MAYBE this is what aparents are afraid of. Maybe we are afraid the birth mother will not follow through - but we will - and yet get continually punished. Oh sure, we win in court - but at GREAT expense, whereas she has free legal aid.

Yes, aparents need to educate themselves - to BOTH sides of what may happen. And an open adoption can be done without legal interference. The difference is that aparents then can live in peace and create a life that is best for their child in all areas. Sometimes open adoption is not best for the child.

[JPDakota]

Sometimes open adoption is not best for the child.
Correct. Agreed.

[Vogi2002]

Christie - I think most of us agree that LEGALLY binding agreements are NOT in the best interest of the child, but that there should be SOME type of agreement

I am curious how your case can be drug out if consent was signed (and all her rights signed away). Is this foster-adopt? I guess I'm not seeing how you can be taken back to court AT ALL once that is signed. If she did take you back to court, why did you sign? I am not seeing how she could have insisted on ANYthing seems how all her rights were gone at this point....

I hope you don't take this as rude, I'm just confused.

[Calebsmom]

It is difficult trying to attach to a child not born to you while empathizing with a grieving birthparent, especially if she is threatening the placement and insulting your ability to mother the child. If only it had been as simple as namecalling. Boundaries were crossed as I said.

It would be disrespectful to say that her grief was inappropriate, but that's not what I said. The manner in which she took it out on others was inappropriate.

I could not do it again. I would be very honest and direct about that. If we were to seek to adopt again and a prospective mother liked our profile except for that, I would have to get to know her very well before I'd even consider openness, and it would only be on a voluntary basis.

Personally, I don't agree with prospective aparents signing a binding open adoption agreement before experiencing parenthood of that child.

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

Christie - I think most of us agree that LEGALLY binding agreements are NOT in the best interest of the child, but that there should be SOME type of agreement

I am curious how your case can be drug out if consent was signed (and all her rights signed away). Is this foster-adopt? I guess I'm not seeing how you can be taken back to court AT ALL once that is signed. If she did take you back to court, why did you sign? I am not seeing how she could have insisted on ANYthing seems how all her rights were gone at this point....

I hope you don't take this as rude, I'm just confused.

Hi Runyan 2002,

No, I don't think you are being rude at all. You don't understand and neither do I. I am frightened and confused by all of it and had NO IDEA this could possibly happen.

Yes, we have a finalized adoption (birth certificate and all) with which is included a TPR. We ALSO have an "Agreement" for visitation and this "Agreement" gives her BACK some of her rights (visitation).

We had offered unlimited visitation and contact which she had repeatedly stated she did not want. Then at court she said she would not go through with the adoption without a visitiation "Agreement" which confused the **** out of me since she already had that and did not want it.

The first visit did not occur. I was there - she was not. I wasn't in the least bit surprised. Before another month passed she turned around and filed fraud charges against us *because the first visit did not occur*. In that motion she requested a rescission of the adoption and payment of her already-state-paid-for attorneys going back two years.

When that trial was placed on hold until my husband could return from Iraq then 9 days later she filed a motion to have my child placed in foster care. I won that one but the request for rescission of the adoption (fraud charge) remains pending. My husband has now returned from Iraq.

She had also previously signed a withdrawal of consent and stated such wild accusations that my lawyer at the time was laughing so hard he could hardly tell me not to worry about it. But it was that withdrawal of consent which set the precedence for further false allegations and charges against us.

No, I do not understand. Yes, we still have to go back to court. Yes, we should certainly win - but since she has unlimited state lawyers we realize that we can not outbid the state of Alabama for my son.

WHAT DOES SHE WANT??????????????????????

I am terribly confused. I don't want to go back to court. I did great on the stand but it is a harrowing experience to have five lawyers all jumping in at you asking accusatory questions.

I hope this was able to answer some of your question. It is confusing and horrifying. Oh - and by the way - she is still not visiting according to the Agreement and still to this day has never asked me how he is doing.

[Vogi2002]

Have you gone to the media with this!?! Or the govenor, senator, ANYone?? This is ridiculous. You obviously KNOW that your child cannot go back to her, it is finalized. I also assume you have records of EACH visit, EACH time she didn't come? The STATE should drop her...not even sure why she gets free lawyer assistance, that usually isn't available to anyone except people who are being charged something??



Natalie

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

Have you gone to the media with this!?! Or the govenor, senator, ANYone?? This is ridiculous. You obviously KNOW that your child cannot go back to her, it is finalized. I also assume you have records of EACH visit, EACH time she didn't come? The STATE should drop her...not even sure why she gets free lawyer assistance, that usually isn't available to anyone except people who are being charged something??
Natalie

I have tried to go to the media - no luck.

Yes, I have specific records of her no-shows.

She was (still is) a juvenile. She became a ward of the state when she was placed in juvy. She is still a minor but no longer a ward of the state. But that is how she received - and continues to receive free legal services. Apparently when a case is ongoing they get to continue this charade as long as it plays out. So there is no time limit.

I have gone to, and passed out packets to:
the governor and his wife, the attorney general, legislators - senators and representatives, state DHR, state Treasury Department, the bar association, the judicial inquiry commission, the center for state accountability, etc. Really, so many that I can't even remember them all.

Everyone tells me they are sorry but it belongs to another department. No one really seemed surprised - as if this is the way it is always done. I expressed shock and outrage and they shrugged their shoulders as if this happens every day.

I have hired and fired four lawyers - none of whom seemed surprised or like they even cared.

And - to top it off - this has even more heinous acts; I just don't want to take all the time to list them all.

Thank you for your concern. It helps to be able to come here and vent some and be heard.

Christie

[Vogi2002]

Wow, utterly ridiculous and I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't believe how cold hearted people can be. I will pray that this will come to a resolution quickly and swiftly!!

Natalie

[JPDakota]

You know, somtimes this kind of thing is just impossible to get your head around. Why the heck is the state allowing this kind of serious harrassment to go on? I guess I'm glad I don't live in Alabama. Its ridiculous. I don't have anything close to advice. I wonder if there's someone in the public eye who is pro-adoption and can help you have a voice. Hmmm.......

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by JPDakota

You know, somtimes this kind of thing is just impossible to get your head around. Why the heck is the state allowing this kind of serious harrassment to go on? I guess I'm glad I don't live in Alabama. Its ridiculous. I don't have anything close to advice. I wonder if there's someone in the public eye who is pro-adoption and can help you have a voice. Hmmm.......

Yes. Please. Please. Please.