[gigigeorge]

As for the co-parenting thing, I just don't get why people don't understand... for us, in our situation, when we are visiting our birthmom is A. wants something or needs something or is getting into something she quickly lets me know or tells him he needs to talk to him mom, how is that co-parenting? Unlike ALL the other female family members she doesn't offer me parenting advice even though she has four other kids, how is that co-parenting? It's not like for every decision we make, we ask her permission or that she specifies what she wants to happen and we negotiate on it... while he might have two moms, he only has one set of parents...

g.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by gigigeorge

As for the co-parenting thing, I just don't get why people don't understand... for us, in our situation, when we are visiting our birthmom is A. wants something or needs something or is getting into something she quickly lets me know or tells him he needs to talk to him mom, how is that co-parenting? Unlike ALL the other female family members she doesn't offer me parenting advice even though she has four other kids, how is that co-parenting?

This is such a brilliant point. I just went through a week of torture as family members tried to feed my Son everything under the Son. They acted as though they knew better, etc. Drove me bonkers and made me quite anxious. When we're visiting Munchkin, I let her parents do what they do and, if I feel that maybe I'd like to share something with her or if she asks for a bite, I ask J or D first. Why? Respect and fear of food allergies!

[Barton]

"choosing a closed adoption doesn't mean that your child will be completely screwed up" - just partially right? :-)

[JocelynC]

Keep in mind that OPEN means different things in different adoptions. Open can be as open as the aparents and bparents want it to be.

I've seen open adoptions where the bmom just gets monthly pics and letters from the amom, and I've seen some where the bmom visits the kids monthly.

There's this STEREOTYPE of open adoption as having the bmom coming to your house EVERY DAY, being overbearing, and making parenting decisions for the child. This just isn't the case.

[BrandyHagz]

Well Jocelyn, in defense of the members here - what you discribed with the pictures isn't what most people consider open adption...its semi-open or semi-closed...

Open adoption usually does involve visits...

[JPDakota]

You know, that's a good point, Brandy. I was raised in a closed adoption, but I always had identifying information and medical history. DD has all of that as well, plus we exchange pics and info. I consider that a closed adoption, too. Or maybe semi-closed is a better term. We all define things differently, of course. I think a child needs to know their heritage and history as part of developing a positive self-image. But again, I am defining that level as "not open".

[BrandyHagz]

I totally respect every parents right to choose...Open adoption has worked great for me as an adoptee, it has also worked great for me as a bmom...and my daughter also enjoys our open adoption.

HOWEVER - I do NOT presume to think that my situations are ideal...nothing in adoption is 'one size fits all'...if it were, there'd be no reason for this forum...because no one would have issues.

[JocelynC]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Well Jocelyn, in defense of the members here - what you discribed with the pictures isn't what most people consider open adption...its semi-open or semi-closed...

Open adoption usually does involve visits...

You're right, I was just trying to point out that it's not what people stereotypically think of when they think of open adoption (i.e. the bmom "hovering" over you and the children).

[gigigeorge]

I agree that the term 'open adoption' means different things to different people... for us, we are happy to email, talk on the phone and visit... BUT if we were approached with a situation where the potential birthmom (or family) wanted X number of visits per month, X number of phone calls and certain number of pictures etc etc we would pass... not because of the openness part but because with one toddler I find my time stretched thin so I try not to commit to something I know I can't do, I know I can pick up the phone when I want, or email when I want or visit if we happen to be near (or likewise she does) but I wouldn't schedule out my childs life for the next 18 years for anyone or promise things that I can't guarantee I can do for the next 18 or so years... if my family had those demands, I tell them to get real, to me being a part of a birthfamily is no different than being a part of any family... it's all about sacrafice...

g.

[timni]

Gigi-
I comepletely understand your point and to a degree our visits and contact with dd bmom is unstructured. However last March she got pretty ancy and short and when we talked she explained to me that she was afraid we would back out of our agreement to keep it fully open. The only thing I could think of to put her at ease was to schedule visits for a few months away. We set the week of each visit and then as that time approached we set the day and time and whose house it would be. At first I was purturbed b/c I was putting myself in a box but then I realised it took the pressure off of me too. I no longer had to pay attention to how long it had been since we saw E or sent her any pics etc.

The funny thing is now we have a more casual relationship then we had before and all b/c she knows when the next time we will see eachother is. We still have visits about every 3 weeks or a month depending on what is going on but we talk almost every week. All in all our relationship is progressing very nicely.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Gigi; I agree. Personally, I can't schedule OUR life around visitation either. We're busy! I know that about four times a year, we see each other. And that's a-okay. We plan as we go. We both understand that money, on both sides, can be an issue with travel. (Hello! Gas prices!!) Jobs and other family also take up a lot of our time. Thankfully both sides are aware of these issues and are understanding when a plan doesn't necessarily work out. For example, they had to cancel their visit this weekend (which they cancelled last month) because J is in physical therapy for his back. He's not to where he needs to be to drive for eight hours. Am I mad? Heck no! I wouldn't want to ride for eight hours with a back like that either. Am I bummed? Eh, partially, but I'm going out there instead on the 16th.

Roll with the punches.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by gimpsta

i personally couldn't see how anyone could do an open adoption unless there were special circumstances within a family.

IMO - the child has ONE mom and ONE dad reguardless where their first 9months were spent. I for one stay far away from open adoptions for the fear of any involvement from an actual birthparent. This is one reason for my wife and I considering foreign adoption.

but to answer your question, i probably feel the same way you do. the child has ONE set of parents. otherwise IMO it gets turned into nothing different than what happens when parents are divorced and the child expierences a long term relationship with the parent he/she hardly sees.

I respectfully disagree with you. It doesn't matter how you slice it, but EVERY single adopted child has two families. The difference being is that one family is loving & RAISING that child. The other family has created that child. But they couldn't raise him/her.

You simply can't erase the bioligical family off the map. It's still a fact even if you go running to a foreign country. Your child may always wonder, ponder, think, daydream etc about his/her biological roots. Who are they? Where did they come from? Where are they now? Are they alive? Do I have siblings? Why didn't they love me? etc.

That's the beauty of open adoption. My daughter NEVER has to worry about these things. She will have first hand knowledge as to the what, where, why and how. (and then some). She also happens to have three older full blooded siblings. One day she will have a chance to meet and get to know them.

I want you to know that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself. I personally have found open adoption to be a wonderful, enlightening experience.

My daughter's birth family all live in California. We live in S. Florida. We know what's going on with them and vice versa. This openness has provided a tremendous amount of healing in my daughter's birth family. They never have to wonder where she is, what she's up to, is she happy etc etc.

So although we are all entitled to our beliefs I am PRO OPEN ADOPTION! GOD BLESS ALL BIRTHMOMS! I LOVE YOU! THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU ARE, HAVE DONE AND WILL ALWAYS BE... our child's FIRST MOM!

It takes a courageous person to bear a child and then choose another family to raise him/her. THANK GOD FOR BIRTH MOMS AND ADOPTIVE MOM!!!!!!!!!!!

[Calebsmom]

On a day to day existence, I am Mummy. Legally, I'm the one that the school, the doctor, the community recognizes as the mother. My son Caleb was not born to me, but to another. It's always been understood.

Our son's birthmother closed the door when he was three and a half. He had been promised a scrap book and it never came. At the time, he had questions about transracial adoption, and she refused to talk to him. These things devastated him. It was the end to a very trying relationship that did have fear as she had grieved inappropriately the first year. It was near to impossible to receive any important information from her. I still send her updates, but we never hear back. It's been four years now. I ask Caleb if he wants to tell her anything when I write her, and he says no, that he's doing fine and doesn't think about it much.

I worry about her still. She buries things under the rug and is an overachiever. She always refused counseling. Please say a prayer for her and for women like her, I know that she's not alone.

[SchmennaLeigh]

What is inappropriate grief?

[Calebsmom]

Grief itself isn't inappropriate, it's necessary for healing. She refused counseling. Her grief made her lash out at me, insulting me, threatening us, overstepping boundaries. It was a challenging first year. She didn't want to communicate, didn't want to build upon anything for Caleb.