[soccermom77]

Hi guys, I need some advice from people that understand and NOT my family who is very closeminded!

I adopted my stepson in 1999 at age 7, although I have "had" him since he was 2. I always told him birth mom that she would be able to see him and have kept that promise until recently. Things in her life got WAY out of hand, and it got to be too much.

My questions is, she wants to see him for his 14th birthday in a month. He refuses to see her. Should I make him visit like I promised her or should I respect his wishes? I am afraid that he will regret later in life.

Was a lot easier when he was small, she came and played for an hour then left. Now he is very emabarrased by her.

Thanks!

Emma

[manni28]

I would follow your sons lead. Open adopton is about the child and he is at an age where he can decide if he wants contact.


Good Luck!

[ladybugqueen]

As a foster mom/soon-to-be adoptive mom to two girls age 9 & 11....and as an adult adoptee -- I agree. Your child is old enough to decide. "My" 9 year old is having a rough time seeing her birthmom and at first I pushed her a little...I've backed off and saw her anxiety levels go down, and her communication with me go up. Just be sure to let him know that you understand and will support him if/when he's ready to see her.

[soccermom77]

I told him tonight that he did not have to visit if he did not want to. Unfortunately, she snuck into his soccer game this week and scared him so badly that he came off the field into the stands with us. People were looking at us like we were crazy because I had this 150 pound 14 year old freaking out. I have tried to tell her to be patient, let him get over some anxiety, and he will come to her.

My first obligation is to him and his security of course!

Thank you!

[Leigh131313]

aww..poor kid.

I'm sorry that she is not respecting his boundaries...it's only going to make things more difficult for all of you.

Leigh

[Jensboys]

Yeah I agree you have to leave the decision up to him at this age, and if you dont, he will blame you guys for his discomfort.

I would honor your promise to her - maybe offer to go out for lunch with her, or bring her some recent pictures of your family or copies of his report card. If you have some video maybe you could put together a montage for her?

It is VERY hard though where she is obviously not respecting his or your boundaries. It sort of depends how you are feeling about things. I am a bit of an open adoption proponent, but I have BIG problems with a bparent just showing up and scaring a child agains their wishes, or without being granted permission from their parents. What she might not realize is that this could jeopardize any future relationship with him if he decides she's a "nut".

Jen

[soccermom77]

I am sorry to say that I have just left the judge's office signing papers on a temporary restraining order against her. She is showing up at my house at all hours, going by his school, and just freaking him out. She is also doing this to the siblings that are being raised by my relatives. They had to physically remove her from their house this weekend.

I have given her pictures of him since he was small, even had his baby pictures reprinted for her because she lost all the ones that she had when she actually had him.

On top of all of this, he has JUST contacted his birth grma and she has been told for the last 12 years that we would not allow contact with him!!!!!! He thought that she did not want to have anything to do with him. It was just a fluke one night that he GOOGLED her and found her email address and contacted her. I am happy to say that she has welcomed him and we plan to visit her this summer. So there is one positive thing about all of this. He has also been able to meet his cousins, we had them over just a few weeks ago.

Does it seem weird that he wants a relationship with his extended family but not her??

[iwrite]

I think that he's made the right choice about not being involved with her. He wants to be involved with the relatives that don't scare him - the ones who want a relationship, a healthy relationship, and not the one who isn't acting at all in his (or anyone else's) best interest.