[kckm]

I'm so glad I came across this. I am struggling too, I'm not alone...

Thank you so much.

[irish11970]

So beautiful and so true. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. You have such a profound way with words.
Jenn

[mommy3]

Yes, Dawn, please do submit this (or another article if this is already set with Salon) to the mainstream press. Your writing and the respect that is shared for the love felt by both birthmothers and adoptive mothers, as well as the heartache, would be better understood. Thank you so much for putting your thoughts down for us to read and experience along with you. Being able to read my own thoughts in your words helps more than I can say. susan

[ShandyNBeau]

This article totally changed my perspective. As an adoptive mother-to-be, we are nearing the end of our homestudy. I have already had a difficult time seperating my feelings-- joy that we will be parents, but sadness for the birthmother who will share their child with us. We went through two very difficult pregnancy losses and I think about how sad I was through that, and much harder it must be to hand a child over to someone else. The article made me feel like its ok-- that my guilt and sadness is now what the birthmother wants and more importantly not what she or the baby needs.

So glad things turned out well for you Dawn.

[mamacrina]

Dawn, I sent your article to dd's bmom. Here is what she said in reply:

The story you emailed me was so touching. I can't help but wonder why you would feel guilt for having J in your life. I know she is what you and P have wanted for so long. She's a dream come true for all of us and I'm so proud to say that you and P are her parents, adoptive or not. This is what I wanted and what I still want. She's got the best life of anyone I know and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I know that those feelings won't just automatically disappear because I tell you it's ok, but please know that from the very bottom of my heart I believe that you and P are the best thing that could have ever happened to me or to J!

<tears>

I just want you to know I so appreciate you writing this...and helping me to bring up this topic to dd's bmom. Otherwise, I'm not sure I could've gathered the courage to do so. I know she doesn't quite understand, but at least she's aware of it, and that is important to me.

So, again...thank you.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Dawn, thank you so much for writing this.


We are brand new parents and I've been feeling a lot of guilt about all of this myself. Even before the birth, I was having some anticipatory grief for the bfamily. In the hospital, the bmom and I bonded magnificently (she asked me to stay in her room with her the two nights she was there) and the second night she really broke down and I just kept saying "I'm sorry."

When we left the hospital, bmom asked us to leave before bdad got there, he didn't want to see us or the baby again until after the surrenders were signed. So, we had about 5 minutes to bundle babe up, find a nurse to check her in her carseat, and run out of the hospital. It felt so bad, scandalous. And this beautiful little girl, who is her mother's clone, just sat there completely serene not even fazed by this.

B & K came to our hotel room right after they signed the surrenders, and had more time with us, and with our daughter (that's an all inclusive our... bparents and aparents) including about an hour alone with her in our hotel room so they could take pictures and snuggle with her together and without any interference.

When bmom asked us to come back in to take pics of them together, then to have pics of the 5 of us together, we then said goodbye again and the guilty feeling was right there, front and center.

She called me last week, and wanted to see how we're doing. She told me that she misses me and DD. She said she doesn't regret her choice, but she feels empty. She is in no hurry to fill the void and realizes it will not be able to be filled by anything. She was beating herself up feeling guilty for having placed her, feeling like what kind of a mother is she? What kind of a person is she? I told her not to beat herself up that she needs to remember how much thought she put into this and to remember her reasons. I also told her that it is OK to feel a loss, this IS a loss for her. I told her again that I'm sorry for her loss, and thanked her for trusting us to be her baby's parents.

I've noticed the last couple days, that I do love this little child, and I feel a connection with her, but I also feel a bit apprehensive. Maybe out of respect for bmom? I don't know. But this article is pretty much dead on for how I'm feeling. And the reminder of not taking on the bmom's pain, is so important. I try to remind myself of that, a different forum member had told me that months ago. That it's not my pain to own. I can't heal it. I shouldn't grieve it.

I guess I've done so much grieving, I don't know how to do anything else. I am trying to learn. And I want DD to feel loved. More than anything else. I want her to know that I love her and I need to learn how to allow myself to let down my guard now.

Thanks for your story, Dawn. I can not tell you how it touched me.