[MrsD820]

DH and I have just started the adoption process, we are a little overwhelmned with all the paperwork, HS, background checks and fees, but we are excited none the less.

However, when we went to our first appointment, the Open Adoption issue was stressed over and over and over. I was not really interested in an open adoption. In my opinion, I will be MOM after the adoption and I really was not keen on the idea of another woman coming in and out of my life and interferring with my family.

I almost had an open adoption once, my best friend of 20 years decided to place her son due to financial constraints. We have not been apart since we were 8 years old and I could not have beem more willing to raise her child with the two of us as Mommy. My husband also cares deeply for my best friend. But I don't think I would be the same with a stranger. I knew what Jen and I would be like and how we both feel about parenting. In the end, the bdad stepped up and took his son. Now they are a loving family, Jen and her ex don't have a relation, but Jesse has both his parents. That is wonderful and in my opinion best for Jesse. But, that's a rare situation.

Is it selfish to want the baby all to myself? To not want the hassle as a working mother to have to find time to take pictures, write letters and schedule visits? Is it selfish to not want to have to hear, "Oh she has my eyes!" or "Oh, she looks like my grandmother!"????

I'm just terrified because in my old state, I knew a family who's bmom took them to court when their child was 3 years old.

I guess these are natural doubts, can anyone give me advice as to experiences both in closed and open adoptions?

[coco46]

Just a few thoughts...

As a bmom in an open adoption, I'm always sorry to hear that paparents feel that open adoption "interferes" with their family. I certainly don't interfere with my bdaughter's family life, and although I know it seems frightening to many people, her family is now, nearly 14 years later, like a sort of extended family to mine. I'd be willing to make a large wager on the fact that 99.9% of birthparents in open adoptions would never venture a dissenting opinion about parenting styles, holiday celebrations, school choices, etc. Even if they were urged to.

It's very sad that your friends had a bad experience with their adoption, but the fact is, having an open adoption more than likely isn't to blame for their being taken to court. If everything is done legally and ethically, there's almost no way a court case can happen once the adoption is finalized. At age 3, their child's adoption was almost certainly final, so something legal must have come up. And unless it had to do with a breach of a legally binding open adoption agreement (which still wouldn't result in a child being removed, as I understand it), I would guess it had nothing to do with whether the adoption was open or closed.

That being said, you may never feel comfortable with open adoption yourselves no matter what. In that case, it's truly, truly important for you to be BRUTALLY honest with your agency or lawyer about that, IMHO. Please do NOT say "we're willing to TRY open adoption" because you think that you'll be placed sooner, or because you're feeling pressure from a worker.

To be blunt, it's simply not good enough to "try" and then close the adoption later because bmom/bdad maybe asks for more contact, or visits, or whatever, and the adoptive family decides they "can't handle it". That is devastating to birth families, and unless there is a threat of physical or REAL emotional harm to a child due to contact, in my opinion, it's most often not fair or warranted to close the adoption after those papers are signed.

I would urge you and your DH to continue to visit these boards to get a better idea about how open adoption works for different families and different sides of the triad before you eliminate open adoption entirely. Give yourselves some time to really understand what it is (a relationship that can be very rewarding, as well as challenging, like any important relationship ), and what it isn't (NOT co-parenting) If, after you and your DH have really thought this over and done as much reading as possible, you still feel that open adoption is not for you, say that to your agency. There are still birth families who also desire, for whatever reason, a closed adoption.

I know some of this may have come across as being harsh against you, but it isn't meant to be. I'm speaking in general terms here. I understand that open adoption can be frightening, and it's not for everyone. Since you're just beginning your journey, your feelings are also not uncommon. I just feel very strongly about this topic, and the need to be honest about what one can truly handle. Good luck with your adoption journey.

[Free_to_be_me]

I just wanted to second that as a birthparent, I would never even think about hinting the my birthdaughter's aparents that I even slightly disagree with any of their parenting decisions. When I placed my little girl, I made the decision to give her a new set of parents. That is their "job" and it is not my responsibility or privilege. I know that I have no say in the matter.

The reason I chose an open adoption was not because I wanted to "co-parent" or have any parenting influence. I chose an open adoption because even though I could choose to give her two parents and more financial security, I could not choose to stop loving her. No matter what happens legally, I feel I have a moral obligation to be available to answer any questions that she has (hundreds over the last 10 years) and to be a positive role model for her (college graduate, in healthy relationships, generally successful and happy with life).

I agree with Coco that you should try to learn more about openness-read what you can find, talk to adoptive parents and birthparents and hear about other's experiences. Then, if you decide that you are not interested in openness, be very honest about it. It isn't fair to any birthparents you could be matched with to not be.

By the way, in the real world (actually, everywhere except this forum) I refer to my birthdaughter's parents as her parents, not her adoptive parents. They are her parents and need no qualifier...

[MrsD820]

Thank you both so much, I have been trying to read through several of the older forums to get a feel for amom/bmom relationships. I never considered open adoption before. I have three wonderful friends who are adult adoptees. Two of the three are closed adoptions. The young men know nothing about their mothers other than they were teenagers that got in trouble and decided to give them better lives. Neither is really interested in reconnecting and love and appreciate their anonymous bmoms for their sacrifice. The third adult knows who her bmom is and had minimal contact, she's happy to have the background info, but again not really interested in that relationship.

So I've really not had any positive experiences to draw upon when looking at open adoption. I've been stressing about this whole adoption process since we set a date to begin the process. On St. Patrick's Day, I'll be taking the wheelbarrel full of paperwork and our money to the agency and begin the screening process.

I'm afraid that because open adoptions are "the thing" as my caseworker put it. That somehow if we aren't game with the current trends it means we won't be chosen. I'm really fearful of that. We aren't wealthy people, we don't have perfect lives, but we have alot of love and laughter to give a child. But, who's going to chose us over a wealthier family with a big house and ivy league schooling options?

[mamacrina]

Sure it is. Originally, dh and I were terrified by the idea. Someone looking over your shoulder critiquing the way you are parenting their child? What if she wants her back? Wouldn't it make her regret her decision more? Would she feel like our child if the bmom was always in the picture? But with researching open, semi-open, and closed adoptions, reading books, visiting the birthparent, adoptive parent, and adoptee boards we found out those are myths.

I am now an adoptive mom. We have a fully open adoption meaning (for us) we've been to bmom's house(she is invited to ours), met dd's bfamily, we email back and forth, phone calls, send letters/packages, videos, pics, and we will visit in person again later this year. I worry about her, and she worries about us. Does it take work? Yep. Are we co-parenting? No. Dh and I make the decisions for dd. And when we adopt again, we are hoping to find an open/semi-open relationship.

Does it make you a bad person to want to chose another type of relationship? No! Many on this board have success with semi or closed. The best thing you can do is to be honest with yourself and the bparents, as the above posters mention. This type of adoption is not the end all be all for everyone.

[taramayrn]

Research, research, research...

Don't committ to anything you do not feel comfortable with...that's not fair to anyone.

But - research, research, research...

[MrsD820]

There is just so much that we don't know about. There are so many pitfalls to look out for at times.


I just don't know. I'm terrified we won't get picked. LDSFS has the birthmothers choose us. I feel like I'm on Survivor and its not the last one that wins.

[Leigh131313]

Just remember...Be who you are, and the RIGHT match will come along.

It's so easy to be down on ourselves, who will pick me? But the truth is, all of those things you are insecure about, may be exactly why a pbmom picks you.

Be honest with yourself, and with your agency.

(and come here any time for a shoulder to cry on, or a cheering section)


Leigh

[LisaCA]

hi,

I think many of us started out thinking that open adoption was a bit strange, a bit scary. it's often different when you meet folks who have this as their norm. ask your agency to have you meet with folks who are in an open adoption, ask them what they think, how it works for them, etc. the more you learn the more comfortable it may seem. also read a ton of books like "the open adoption experience" by Lois Melina, and "Raising adopted children" also by Melina. here's a website to visit as well that has a ton of short articles on adoption, including open adoption and birthparents:

www.pactadopt.org

and please heed the earlier posters and be brutally honest with yourself and with your agency. they'll match you with someone who feels like you do, whatever that is .

good luck!

Lisa

[MrsD820]

Well, I appreciate everyone's responses. I actually called my bestfriend today after I posted these messages and talked to her. She was almost a bmom and so she was through all this on the other side. Her placement was stopped by the bdad and he has their son. (Who by the way is the most adorable little boy you've ever met.)


She actually argued the benefits of both closed and open adoption. She had chose a closed adoption because she didn't think she could handle seeing another woman raise her son. But she told me to relax and explore a semi open adoption and really look into the benefits of an open adoption.

Perhaps I just needed someone who's known me practically all my life to put things in perspective but I feel better about the possibilities now.

I will read the articles on that sight. Thanks so much.

Oh, DH is also looking to join up on this forum so you'll all likely be hearing more from our homefront.

[mom2GRLC]

I would not be worried about not getting picked.There are always pbmoms out there who are not looking for open contact and that might be a perfect match for you. An open adoption is a life long decision. I would not agree to something you don't feel comfortable with. If anything agree to the minimum that you would want and if the relationship built from there and you wanted more contact than that is great but don't jump into more than what you feel comfortable with.

Open adoption is HARD WORK-Emotionally. Maybe it's just extra hard on me because of the special circumstances around our adoption....but it is something 1000% more difficult than I ever thought it could be.

If i had the opportunity to go back in time(knowing what i know now) I would definately have made some changes in the kinds of contact we had and the frequency of it from the very start.

(by the way I am LDS as well....but we adopted through fostercare instead) I hope you find your match!!!

[coco46]

Originally Posted by MrsD820

I just don't know. I'm terrified we won't get picked. LDSFS has the birthmothers choose us. I feel like I'm on Survivor and its not the last one that wins.

Although it's totally normal to feel that way, please know that there are many different kinds of expectant moms/dads out there considering adoption. Some want totally open, but some do not. Some pbmoms/pbdads ask the agency to choose a family. Some choose the family themselves, but do not want to meet or have contact afterward. Some want just pictures and letters for a short time. So agreeing to more openness than you're 100% prepared to honor for a lifetime because your worker says "it's the thing" is not necessarily going to make your placement happen faster, and it's just not fair to either the pbparents looking at your profile OR to yourselves.

My DH and I were approved and waiting to adopt last year (right before we got pg), and out of our class of 17 couples, every single family (except us, due to our agency's policy and our personal choice) had a child placed with them within 10 months. I'd say about 40-50% of those placements are either fully closed or have a semi-open arrangement.

Personally, I hope you'll give yourselves that chance I mentioned earlier, to explore open adoption, and take some time to think it over carefully before you say yes or no. Yes, it can be scary at first. Yes, it might force you outside of your comfort level at first. Like any new relationship, though, an open adoption doesn't have to mean (and in my opinion shouldn't mean) "instant best friends". It's work, and it can be difficult, like all relationships can. But, I know in my case, and in the case of many other families here, its rewards have also been great, especially for the children involved.

Again, good luck as you begin your journey.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Yes, it's ok to be scared of it, it's ok to say so. I was too when my husband first brought it up to me, but we talked a lot, read, found an agency that does open adoptions and went to their intro meeting in which they discussed why they do open adoption, and were sold on it. I still had moments of doubt, about my strength to adopt, about why would anyone want to pick us, but I had no doubts about having contact. It's hard work, but so are many relationships. Then again, it's also easy, very easy to sit and laugh with babe's birth family.

I know adult adoptees who have told me the same thing. My child is living a different way than they lived, we as parents are living a different way than their parents lived.

It's not about being wealthy or your house, it's about being who you are. Think about it, you'd never choose a gaurdian for your child (in the event of your death) based on their home or status or their nice teeth, there is so much more... neither is a woman considering adoption. One of the reasons babe's birth parents chose us, "We knew you wouldn't tolerate bratty behavior."

Originally Posted by MrsD820

I'm afraid that because open adoptions are "the thing" as my caseworker put it. That somehow if we aren't game with the current trends it means we won't be chosen.

Your case worker's feelings about openness concern me a litttle. I have a hard time understanding how she can advocate for the benefits of open adoption when she's comparing open adoption to a fad. This is a commitment to your child to maintain contact for their benefit, there is nothing about it that is passing fancy. BTW, our agency has been doing open adoptions since the early 1980's.

Closed adoption didn't go anywhere, there are plenty nice folks on these forums who are part of them. What's most important is exploring for yourself what this all means to you and your husband. You have time, you needn't commit on St. Pat's day to what openness, if any, you want, your homestudy will take sometime.

To the list of other books I'd also recommend Children of Open Adoption by K. Silber. It contains written correspondence from all sides of adoption with contact, including the children. All the best on your journey. The first step feels really big, take a deep breath...

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by coco46

So agreeing to more openness than you're 100% prepared to honor for a lifetime because your worker says "it's the thing" is not necessarily going to make your placement happen faster, and it's just not fair to either the pbparents looking at your profile OR to yourselves.

I can't second that enough. You have to believe in what you are doing, and be honest about what you do and don't want. It's also true that just agreeing to be open to speed things up garauntees nothing. We waited two years and ten months for our babe and we have a fully open adoption with visits with lots of birthfamily- whereas there are folks on these forums (and Coco gave examples of more) who have closed or semi who waited a lot less.

Originally Posted by coco46

Like any new relationship, though, an open adoption doesn't have to mean (and in my opinion shouldn't mean) "instant best friends". It's work, and it can be difficult, like all relationships can. But, I know in my case, and in the case of many other families here, its rewards have also been great, especially for the children involved.

Darn tootin

[mom2GRLC]

I also want to state that a veryOPEN adoption has been difficult on me....but on the other hand my daughter has a closed adoption and I would give anything to just have a phone number, e-mail, or address to at least write her at and to be able to contact her if I needed to or wanted to. It is much worse not knowing anything.

Semi-open is what I feel works best for our family.