[heartened]

Well, here it comes from an adoptee:

Reading your posts scares the bejeezus out of me. Your fears remind me so much of my adoptive mother it's eerie. I haven't spoken to her in many years. Want to guess a few of my reasons?

I don't think I've ever read a series of posts which have ticked me off as much as what I've read from you in this thread.

If I say any more, Brandy will have no choice but to ban me for violating the TOS.

[LouiseT]

Hi MrsD-
Boy it's rough out here! (((HUGS)))
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. These forums can be a good place to learn about what some folks think, feel and do about adoption. However, it is not representative of the adoption community as a whole, as most folks who feel like you, tend not to post here with much frequency. And as you can see, anyone who posts opinions like yours with such fervor is not likely to get much support. That's unfortunate.

I've suffered serious infertility for seven years. You name it I've been diagnosed with it, and my losses have been great. I'm also an adult adoptee from the closed adoption era, and when I knew I was not going to conceive on my own, my husband and I pursued adoption. After much time, money and thought, we realized that adoption would not be the right choice for us, for many of the same reasons you expressed.
After doing a lot of reading on adoption, I feel I made the right choice by not adopting. This forum has convinced me of that. I do however encourage you to do alot of reading on the matter, and soul-searching.
I also agree that you may read every piece of material out there and still feel the way you do.
That's ok!

Don't be ashamed or afraid of how you feel. You are not the only one. You may feel like the only one on the board at times, but you aren't!
No, adoption is not a cure for infertility. There is no cure and for those who have experienced IF know only too well the pain it causes. You deserve to want to be a mother. No shame in that. And if adopting is the way for you to become a mother then I think that's great. Because wanting to be a mother is not selfish, or all about the woman. It's about the woman having so much love to give, that she desires a child to share that with.
I hope you figure out a way to fulfill your dream.
I finally did.

[ddhuab]

I think people have gone out of their way here (at least on the public forum) to try to be non-hostile. I really have seen it get much more heated than this in the past!

Honestly, the only blatant hostility I have seen has come from you!

I don't usually try to speak for anyone besides myself, but I think I can *mostly* safely say that people are not alarmed at your position on open vs. closed adoptions, but your positions on 1) loss that should not be felt by the adoptee, 2) gratitude that should be expressed/felt by the adoptee, and *possibly* 3) what appears to be the feeling you have to cut out the birthmother's existance, for your child, altogether. [note, I don't really think you FEEL #3, but that sort of comes across as a hostility toward birthmothers, in general].

You may not feel any of these things... but just as it may be difficult for you to express EVERY ASPECT of what you feel when writing it out here, you need to take what other's say with a grain of salt and without making assumptions. For example, insinuating Jen was a "hypocrite" earlier was not only hostile, but completely off the mark -- while I am sure she did WANT her boys, that adoption (I think) was not all about some big dream to define herself as a mother -- she has other, biological children.

I am really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt because I had a lot of preconceived notion about adoption when I first went into it. But now that you have pointed out how educated, etc. you already are, I really can see why some people are now throwing sarcasm your way.

D.

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by MrsD820

Gmom, I think the once a week your daughter is asking for would be the other side of the coin that I am on. She should consider the afamily and how busy lives get....and how hard it would be to walk away every week after seeing her baby so much. Don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like she's not quite prepared to place her child. Maybe she should explore other options, adoption might not be for your family.

Thanks, it is sweet and thoughtful of you to point that out. She did keep her son and lives with me and her dad while she finishes college. It has worked very well so far and she is a wonderful mom.

Best of luck to you. Your child will find you.

Happy G'Ma

[JPDakota]

ddhuab,
Yikes!
Very good of you to say *mostly*. Thank you.

[coco46]

Mrs D-

What happened??? When I first posted on this thread you seemed eager to learn about others' experiences and receptive to everyone's ideas, even if you weren't sure you agreed.

Suddenly, your last few posts have seemed accusatory, angry, and well, a little hostile toward birthmoms in general.

When I made suggestions, it was to urge you to be honest about what you wanted and could handle. I don't see anything I or any other bmom posted here as pushing you toward a fully open adoption. Goodness, I even encouraged you to SAY you wanted fully closed if that's what you felt you could accept. And I'm a HUGE open adoption advocate!

We're listening to you. We're listening to any other adoptive parent (or birth parent) who says they can't handle open adoption, too. But to suggest that because you've heard from several people who are NOT happy with how their open adoptions have worked out means that anyone who says theirs IS working out OK is being deceptive or pushy is a little over the top to me.

You've heard from adoptees, other adoptive parents, and birthparents here. Not just birthmoms. I'm sorry you feel that no one is listening to you, but being angry and defensive isn't helping anyone here. I hope you'll change your mind and come back once you've had a chance to think this over some more. There are a lot of folks with a lot of wisdom here to share.

[JPDakota]

Not to belabor a point, but there are all kinds of things people say innocently that are percieved as inflamatory. For example, "We're listening to any other adoptive parent (or birth parent) who says they can't handle open adoption, too." Never did I say or (I think) intimate that I believed I could not "handle" open adoption. To me, that's inflamatory...like I'm defective or something. I believe that open adoption is not a good choice most of the time. That's a very different thing. Having said that, I'm not sure that you meant any slight, so I'm trying to assume you did not.
Anyway, people coming from varying points of view read things differently. I think there's room for tolerance everywhere.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

Gmom - I have heard of families having weekly vists for the first month or two, but not ever agreeing to that for life. I dont "visit" with ANYONE weekly and in the busyness of raising kids it wouldnt even be possible. I have a feeling that arrangement wouldn't be agreeable or workable for very many families.

We tried it and it just didn't work for us - when my son was first born. It was too much for me and I was having a hard time letting go and accepting the reality of the adoption. I know the adoptive parents also were feeling overwhelmed. Jen's right, I don't visit with anyone, except my mom on a weekly basis and honestly I don't think it's realistic with the hectic life my son's family lives.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by happygmom

Thanks, Jenboys, for your honest reply. We have friends who led our daughter to believe that she would have frequent access to her child if she chose an open adoption. She also read an article in a very popular weekly magazine that made it sound like she could stop by anytime and "read a book" to her child and be "part of the family". Fortunately, the honesty in this forum convinced her that her dream of open adoption is a myth that was hyped by the media.

Happy G'Ma

My son's amom told me that if I was in town and wanted to stop by and they weren't out or busy then I could come over. Just to call first. She said once, that she had the rest of my son's life and so what would it hurt to let me see him when I wanted. Unfortunately we don't get a chance to stop by his town, but when we do we usually pop in at their house to say hi.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

It is a lot easier on the children to have a relationship wih a birthparent from the beginning. Introducing the birthmom at the onset of puberty, when there are so many changes and stressors happening in the lives of children, is not optimal.

I have seen this in my son's life, he's only 6 but the acceptance he has for us and our situation is amazing.
I'm not sure he'd have that if I was just introduced at this age.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by MrsD820

But, how do you explain to a 3 year old that they nice lady that visits isn't someone they are allowed to get into the car with?????

I guess I'm just not comfortable with it. Sorry to the Bmoms here but my dream of a family never included another woman in the picture. I wanted it to be me, my husband and my children.

Call me selfish, but just because I'm cursed with infertility shouldn't mean I have to sacrifice that dream. Hopefully I'll be able to find a birthmother who doesn't want an open adoption.

I just cannot at this time reconcile another woman in my life that I have to consider. I would be jealous. I know sometimes I have a hardtime dealing with my pregnant friends who don't appreciate what they have. They just decide to get pregnant, there the baby is and they don't seem to even grasp how lucky they are to have their kids.

I really don't know how I would deal with even 1 a year seeing a woman come in and love up a child that was "mine".

Gmom, I think the once a week your daughter is asking for would be the other side of the coin that I am on. She should consider the afamily and how busy lives get....and how hard it would be to walk away every week after seeing her baby so much. Don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like she's not quite prepared to place her child. Maybe she should explore other options, adoption might not be for your family.

I think you need to do some more education (seminars, reading, talk to those in open adoptions, etc) on the option of open adoption IF after that time you still don't feel comfortable then you need to be honest about that and only accept a level of contact that you feel comfortable with. However, I want to leave this with you, open adoption is not about the adult's comfort level it's about what is best for the child.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by MrsD820

Gmom, I think the once a week your daughter is asking for would be the other side of the coin that I am on. She should consider the afamily and how busy lives get....and how hard it would be to walk away every week after seeing her baby so much. Don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like she's not quite prepared to place her child. Maybe she should explore other options, adoption might not be for your family.

Happygmom's daughter is raising her child...adoption wasn't the right choice for their family.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by MrsD820

Some of my jealousy issues will never go away. And other women who suffer from infertility will back me up on that.

I don't think you have to be infertile to understand jealousy when it comes to adoption. However it sounds as though jealousy isn't the only thing that you need to work through...

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

MrsD - the reality of adoption is that no matter if your child's birth mother is in the picture or not, she will still be a part of your child's life and heart. Your child through adoption WILL HAVE ANOTHER mother. Period. Open or closed, nothing changes that. Grieving that is part of coming to terms with both infertility AND adoption.

Now, yes, in adoption your child will only have ONE mommy. That is different. Are you going to let your sister come and love on your baby? Will the baby have a grandma or cousins that will love on it? Of course! Does that take away your "mommyness" ? No, of course not. Your child will love all those people but they wont feel they are they are more special than YOU. YOU will be the mommy - but the child is QUITE capable of loving other people and understanding that they dont go home and live with them!

Jen

You will have to deal with your jealousy issues regardless of whether or not you have an open adoption. As Jen said, your child will have another mother even if you don't have an open adoption.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by dpen6

The r3eality is that as horrible as it is for you to deal with your issues, it is NOT the responsability of others to make you a parent...it is not the resposability of a little baby to fufill your dreams, it is not the responsability of society to provide you with a baby because you want one....

I know it's harsh but that's the reality...