[Shoshana]

MrsD.

I have never suffered infertility -- that does not mean that I have not suffered other great and painful issues in life. Regardless, let's assume that I simply do NOT understand. By that logic, does it mean then that you cannot understand how to raise an adopted child because you are not adopted?

Whether we want it to happen or not, our children are very able to pick up on our hot button topics. Hopefully, our own issues will not influence our children's perspective of themselves, or their place in our families.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Fear often stems from the unknown. The only way you can get over that fear is to familiarize yourself with a subject. Research is the way to go at first. And then get to know other families in open adoptions, both successful and unsuccessful. Don't lean towards one side or the other more. Ask questions. Get them answered.

But understand that every adoptee in the world has two sets of parents. You can't get around that. You can't erase that reality from your child's life. Nor should you. Closed or open, domestic or international, it's just a reality of life.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by MrsD820

And no offense to you, but people who don't suffer from infertility cannot understand. They really can't. I don't know how many times I've been told to relax, its okay.

Adoption is my ONLY option to be a mother and I will love my child with all my heart. As a Mormon, my baby will be taken with me and my husband to the Temple and I will be sealed to him/her for time and eternity. The little one will be mine in love, law and spirit.

We did not arrived at the decision to adopt lightly, we have been discussing this for years. Trust me, I will have had numerous classes, workshops and counseling sessions before our profile is added to the book or placement is even possible. Some of my jealousy issues will never go away. And other women who suffer from infertility will back me up on that.

Your right, we don't know about infertility...but both shoshana and I know what it is to be anaadoptee and a mother. Shoshan is an adoptive mother and I have 5.

The r3eality is that as horrible as it is for you to deal with your issues, it is NOT the responsability of others to make you a parent...it is not the resposability of a little baby to fufill your dreams, it is not the responsability of society to provide you with a baby because you want one....

If in fact you want to take on the commirmwnt of parenting and you will parent through adoption, you really need to educate yourself on the different members of the triad...each of them have seperate but just as important issues that need to be known about.

As far as open adoption from an adaoptee that lived a closed? Wel, imo...I find it difficult to fathom,could be due to the timing..I was adopted in the sixties...but I do know that A semi adoption may have prevented me from question...i.e.knowing my genes, and my blood family.....In adoption there are 2 famlies for a child......that is the reality.no matter who had what dreams..the child has 2 families..and to truly respect the child that needs to be understood and respected...adoption should always be about the child first...not the adults....adults need to deal with their own losses before having the child take them on.

[echaos]

Originally Posted by MrsD820

But, how do you explain to a 3 year old that they nice lady that visits isn't someone they are allowed to get into the car with?????

I guess I'm just not comfortable with it. Sorry to the Bmoms here but my dream of a family never included another woman in the picture. I wanted it to be me, my husband and my children.

Do you have extended family? Will your child have Aunts, uncles, cousins, Grandparents? If so, these are people who will love you child and be included in your family. Some of them may have been strangers to you before you joined the family (ie your husbands relatives) but you have likely formed relationships with them. Some you may be really close to and others not so much.

Open adoption is very much like that. It's a new person (or many people in the case of birth grandparents or siblings) that becomes a part of your family. Just like you may not see your in-laws everyday, and your siblings don't get to make parenting decisions for your, neither will your child's birth mother. Overtime you may become really close, or you may not.

One thing that I really had to think about as a pre-adoptive parent (who was also adopted in a closed adoption) was what I would tell my child when they asked me questions about their birth parent. Will I be able to look them in the eye and be honest "I was scared to let someone else love you so I didn't want them in our lives" or "I knew that it might be important for you to have a connection to your biological beginings, so I put aside my fears so that I could answer your questions today". Because one day your child will ask. And either answer is okay, as long as you are comfortable with it and can back it up.

Good luck in your decissions.

[MrsD820]

Originally Posted by dpen6

The r3eality is that as horrible as it is for you to deal with your issues, it is NOT the responsability of others to make you a parent...it is not the resposability of a little baby to fufill your dreams, it is not the responsability of society to provide you with a baby because you want one....

If in fact you want to take on the commirmwnt of parenting and you will parent through adoption, you really need to educate yourself on the different members of the triad...each of them have seperate but just as important issues that need to be known about.

So what you're saying is because I can't have kids of my own and because I won't feel comfortable with open adoption, that I can't and shouldn't adopt?

I guess I came to the wrong place.

The answer to my question I posted at the begining of this thread is a definite NO.

[kelleymac]

Well, I'm an adoptive parent in a simliar position. We suffered three years of undiagnosed infertility. There is a possibility that we COULD have bio kids, but we'll never go further in our fertility quest for personal reasons.

Adoption for us is not a second choice. It was my first choice. Although I was tested and took Clomid, etc. I always knew that we'd adopt at least one child.

Here's what I have learned now that my son is two:
I'm not personally comfortable with domestic infant adoption for a myriad of reasons. I'm also not comfortable participating in an open adoption. I have never been able to reconcile my own feelings about how to add another member (or members) to our family. It took a lot of soul searching to come to that place, but that's the decision we are comfortable with.

That said, my son has another mom. A woman who gave birth to him, who desperately wanted to parent, but due to extreme poverty, couldn't. She is a part of my son's story and life. I would never want to take that away from him, or deny his birthmom...that would be horrible for him, as she is indelibly marked on him. From his smile to the shape of his eyes, when you see him, you see her.

If open adoption is not for you, you need to be brutally honest about that. The WORST thing you could do is commit to an open situation with a birthparent and then renege. It is harmful to you, and especially harmful to your child and his birthparent.

Find the right situation for you. Our decisions are based on a litany of reasons that are individual to each of us, but explore your feelings about adoption and birthparents, because your child will be the one who bears any burden you bring to the relationships.

Kelley

[LisaCA]

no one is saying that.

what some are saying is that your child has a birthfamily and even if the adoption is closed, that will be a factor in your life.

I'd just encourage you to read as much as you can, talk to people, even talk out your feelings in therapy and find a place where you're comfortable. that may be semi-open (contact thru the agency), open, or closed. But please don't take anything said here to mean that you "can't or shouldn't adopt." far from it. I think most are saying that you have some thinking to do, which you acknowledged by posting here, to find what you truly, really feel. then you can be honest with your agency and find a match that works for you.

best of luck,

Lisa

[Shoshana]

Originally Posted by MrsD820

So what you're saying is because I can't have kids of my own and because I won't feel comfortable with open adoption, that I can't and shouldn't adopt?

I guess I came to the wrong place.

The answer to my question I posted at the begining of this thread is a definite NO.

NO, NO, NO. No one is saying you "can't or shouldn't adopt." What we are saying is that until you have significantly healed from the pain of your personal losses, until you can understand and truly accept that adoptees have two mothers and two families that (as Kelleymac said) leave an indelible mark on the children, until you can understand and truly accept that an adoptees love for his/her first family in no way diminishes you as his/her mommy, then, in my opinion, you might be creating additional and unnecessary challenges for your child.

[MrsD820]

The problem I'm seeing is there is this implication that my son or daughter will be lost without his or her birthmother and that they will be searching always.

I know one adult adoptee that wishes she'd never been reunited, her mother looked for her, not the other way around and her bmom is not a comfort to her. I know two adult adoptees that have flat out told me that are grateful to their bmoms for giving them a better life but have absolutely no desire to find their birthmothers.

I just feel like some of the bmoms here and the amoms who are in open adoptions are guilting people into something they might not be comfortable with. Its not always a happy situation as I've read on other boards.

When I posted the question, I wasn't looking for bmoms advice, I was looking for adoptive parents and adult adoptees. Of course the Bmoms are going to advocate open adoption. I knew that. I'm looking for real world advice from amommies on both sides, pro and con.....I'm not getting a real view of the con.

Everyone says read more, learn more....like that is going to suddenly change my mind and make me feel better about the inevitable I have to have an open adoption.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Even if you weren't looking for birthparents input, these forums are not segregated. Anyone can interject. Just a point about the forums.

You're also misunderstanding. No one is saying to specifically read about open adoption. It is my opinion that you need to research adoption as a whole at this point. You're misunderstanding the very core of the issue: even if your child has no feeling of "loss," your child came from another family. It's simply a fact. To ignore it is to deny who your child is at his core.

I'm not advocating open adoption. I'm advocating for adoption education in general. Just because you know one adoptee who is well adjusted (and there are others) doesn't mean you know every issue adoptees have or have had or could have.

Education is good!

[MrsD820]

And what makes you think I would deny they were born to another woman just because I want a closed adoption.

For Pete's sake, my husband and I actually would prefer a child that doesn't look anything like us so we don't have to answer the stupid questions I've seen adoptive parents asked in my church.

Closed Adoption does not equal denial of adoption.

And not wanting the birth mother in our lives as a permanent fixture is also not denying her the right to know what's going on. Semi open adoption is an option I'm exploring. A could letter a year, birthday cards, christmas cards and pictures.....

I'm not stupid, education is always going to be there. I have 6 godchildren, and a very large extended family. But that doesn't necessarily mean I want to add a whole other family at the Fourth of July Picnic.

I'm very serious about this and I think I understand what I want for my family better each day. If I wasn't serious, do you think I'd open myself up to this criticism????

[dpen6]

What is a well adjusted adoptee....

I have no interest in convincing you about open, closed or semi adoption. I was concerned that you were looking for adoption...anykind...to fulfill your dreams of parenting. Honestly that is a great thing. My mom was infertile and because of that I was able to be brought up by her and the rest of "my" family. But the theing she did right was to understand that I was born into another family, that I was not "all" hers and that I was always open to rtalk about it. She was not thrreatened by it and supported me in my search. She validated who I was...her daughter but of different blood....that is the markings of a good unselfish mother. This was all done back in the day before suport groups, before touchy, feely...she was a smart lady. Now my dad would like to forget that I was ever adopted.I am light skinned, lightbrown hair adopteed in an italian family....as much as I love and respect my dad...and I do...I will never be able to be open about my adoption...not completly...it is something he does not want to hear.I won't hurt him with it but it also has been the cause of a barrier in out relationship...because he does not want to see the truth,...I have different blood. You see what I mean?

We all have stories of knowing someone that.......it doesn't ver mean that one is all knowing and the nxt is not.....it doesn;t mean that the one that doesn't want to search is an better adoptee, it just means we are all different.

I am a proponet of adoption...as long as it is for the child and not the needs/wants of the adults, first. If in fact a child can be adopted into a wonderful home and parents are able to give unconditional love and be happy living their dream of parenting...go for it..it only helps the child. But if the child is be adopted soley to live anothers dream then I would question

[Jensboys]

MrsD -- according to your time line you found out less than TWO months ago that you could not have biological children. Part of your emotions in this is the fact you are still processing, and grieving that fact. Thats ok. There are MANY, MANY aparents that have been there too.

Take some time, grieve the news you received. Adopting a child will NOT cure infertility or take away that pain. If you expect it to, you are wrong.

Adopting a child is a huge blessing that brings you the joy of parenting but it is NOT a cure for whatever is medically causing you not to have biological children.

Take some time before jumping into adoption. Get to the place that adoption is a FIRST choice for you, not simply something you have to do to get to be a mom. You will get there, it will take some time, but when you do, you will be ready and able to fully accept the complexities and joys of adoption - whether open or closed.

Jen

[MrsD820]

Actually, my timeline is off. I suffer what appeared to a miscarriage in 1998, it turned out to be more severe problems. My doctor told me at age 20 that if I did not have a child by age 30 I would not have children. There is a history of uterine cancer in my family and both my mother and grandmother had hysterectomy at 39 and 33. I will be 30 next year. This is something I've been dealing with for almost a decade. Its not new.

The choice to attempt fertility treatments was prompted by a doctor who didn't realize that with my PCOS (diagnosised in 2001 after 3 years of misdiagnosis) was accompanied by an undiagnosed blood pressure problem. So after failed attempts at IF treatments, my family doctor discovered that my high blood pressure was out of control and told me absolutely do not get pregnant.

This for Mat and I was a sign that our plans to adopt were what we were supposed to do. We had explored adoption in 2002 after my diagnosis. But we were told that it was $40000 for an adoption domestically. We are lower middle class, that was impossible, so we moved on realizing money was preventing us from having a family.

But, then someone suggested XXX family services. Suddenly adoption became an option that was affordable. Being a parent is tiring and hard. I raised my baby brother while my mom attended night school and then worked. I have no illusions of a happy 50s tv show family. Its not about some selfish fantasy as one person here put it. Its about a family. A dream of a family, the child deserves that dream uninterupted and unfettered with disagreements between aparents and bparents. A child deserves loving parents.

My husband and I have soooooo much love to give to a child. Why can't we dream of doing that? Why can't adoption be the fulfillment of that dream? Its not about selfish wants, its about LOVE.

[Jensboys]

Because, at its heart, adoption is NOT about finding a baby for you -- its about finding the best available home for a baby that will have to experience the significant loss of his or her first family. You are not entitled to someone else's child just because you will be a good mother or because you have sufferred pain. Being a mother is NOT a "right" that is required to be fulfilled.

Adoption shouldnt be solely about fulfilling your needs for a child, if however there is a child (who will soon grow up into an adult) that needs a FAMILY then yes, you can fulfill that need. Its not about coparenting, its about coming to terms of the reality of what adoption means to YOU as an possible adoptive mom, and far more importantly to your child who will spend his entire life as an adoptee.

Jen