[Poleczech]

I would encourage you to get more information on open adoption. When we first started our adoption journey, we didn't know what open adoption even was, until we attended a weekend workshop with the agency we are now listed with. It was a very good experience -- we were given the opportunity to view videos of birthparents who placed through our agency in a Q & A session with adoptive parents explaining their experience. We also saw videos of adoptive parents as well.

After that workshop, and especially after joining this forum and reading about all the varied emotions that adoption brings with it, DH and I are looking forward to having as open of an adoption as possible -- of course it does depend on the pbp and their comfort levels, but we do feel that being able to know where he/she came from, who they look like, and be able to send an email, photo, letter, or visit will only be beneficial for our future child. And really, can you have too many people in your life who love you and only want the best for you?

[MrsD820]

Well, DH and I are leaning towards semi open with no F2F until the child is at least in their preteens. Any advice on this one? We really aren't keen on adding complications to our lives by worrying about a bmom and her visitations, etc. We travel, have family all over the US and my sister just announced that her husband is pursuing a career path in his firm that may take them to London in the next 2-3 years.



Its entirely possible we will want to move from Utah back to my native state of Pennsylvania or Wisconsin (his birthplace). Is that really fair to offer 3-4 visits a year and then move on the bmom? No, I don't think so. I think it would be more fair to do semi open and then see if she's comfortable with the possibility of when the child is OLDER, complete open.


I guess its just going to be a tricky task of expressing that in our letter to the perspective bmoms at the agency.

[sugarbabysmommy]

I know a lot of adopted families (in person) who have open adoptions, very few of them actually have 3-4 visits per year. We do have at least 4 visits per year. There is no one set example of open adoption, all the people, their lives, are so different. I'm hearing you say you don't want to added commitment of visits and that they make you uncomfortable, so just be honest about only wanting letters and pictures with your agency and any exp mother. It's perfectly fine to want that. There is no reason to go into we travel, or we might move, or our lives are too busy, because even if you removed those I guessing you'd still be uncomfortable.

When you speak of an added complication I can understand that emotion, but it's imporant to note that even if your child's birth mother is not a physical presence in your child's (or your) life, she may have a large emotional presence for your chld. There are things about being an adoptive mom/family that are complicated or different from being a mom by birth, whether you have contact or not.

Again, tell the agency what you want and but there is no harm continuing to read...

[taramayrn]

[quote=sugarbabysmommy]I know a lot of adopted families (in person) who have open adoptions, very few of them actually have 3-4 visits per year.
QUOTE]

Interested...so do they have less? Guess the level of contact and openess in my adoption is rare...hmm.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by FH-taramayrn

Interested...so do they have less? Guess the level of contact and openess in my adoption is rare...hmm.

Yes, the majority of families I know have between 1-3 per year, and some have 1 every two years or so. From the outside, distance seems to be the biggest factor for those who have the least number. There are surely other factors, but I'm not privy to all the ins and outs.

[happygmom]

Wow! 3-4 visits a year?! When my daughter was considering open adoption for her son, she would accept no less than a visit a week for her and a visit a month for bio grandparents. BTW - she found no PAPs who would accept this. Is it asking for too much? I have the greatest respect families who are able to make open adoptions work. It sure flies into the face of tradiational attitudes about adoption.

Happy G'Ma

[Jensboys]

Gmom - I have heard of families having weekly vists for the first month or two, but not ever agreeing to that for life. I dont "visit" with ANYONE weekly and in the busyness of raising kids it wouldnt even be possible. I have a feeling that arrangement wouldn't be agreeable or workable for very many families.

[happygmom]

Thanks, Jenboys, for your honest reply. We have friends who led our daughter to believe that she would have frequent access to her child if she chose an open adoption. She also read an article in a very popular weekly magazine that made it sound like she could stop by anytime and "read a book" to her child and be "part of the family". Fortunately, the honesty in this forum convinced her that her dream of open adoption is a myth that was hyped by the media.

Happy G'Ma

[Jensboys]

Gmom - I think that sort of relationship IS possible but its something that develops, not due to a demand. I think it would be very difficult for an adoptive family to function AS a family if it was scheduled in that every thursday there was a bparent visit for x number of hours for the next 18 years. HOWEVER, ideally, those sorts of relationships can and do develop (maybe not once a week, every week, but certainly a comfortable level of spontanaity) over time. Most openness agreements are for the MINIMUM (eg 6 visits a year) but if they are adhered to in the SPIRIT of openness, often develop into something more. But if either party go into the relationship demanding more (or agreeing to something they arent comfortable with), someone is bound to be hurt and disappointed.

Jen

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by MrsD820

Well, DH and I are leaning towards semi open with no F2F until the child is at least in their preteens. Any advice on this one?

It is a lot easier on the children to have a relationship wih a birthparent from the beginning. Introducing the birthmom at the onset of puberty, when there are so many changes and stressors happening in the lives of children, is not optimal.

[MrsD820]

But, how do you explain to a 3 year old that they nice lady that visits isn't someone they are allowed to get into the car with?????

I guess I'm just not comfortable with it. Sorry to the Bmoms here but my dream of a family never included another woman in the picture. I wanted it to be me, my husband and my children.

Call me selfish, but just because I'm cursed with infertility shouldn't mean I have to sacrifice that dream. Hopefully I'll be able to find a birthmother who doesn't want an open adoption.

I just cannot at this time reconcile another woman in my life that I have to consider. I would be jealous. I know sometimes I have a hardtime dealing with my pregnant friends who don't appreciate what they have. They just decide to get pregnant, there the baby is and they don't seem to even grasp how lucky they are to have their kids.

I really don't know how I would deal with even 1 a year seeing a woman come in and love up a child that was "mine".

Gmom, I think the once a week your daughter is asking for would be the other side of the coin that I am on. She should consider the afamily and how busy lives get....and how hard it would be to walk away every week after seeing her baby so much. Don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like she's not quite prepared to place her child. Maybe she should explore other options, adoption might not be for your family.

[Shoshana]

MrsD

Please know that I mean no disrespect by my post. When I first saw the title to this thread, I understood that you were afraid of open adoption. After reading all of your posts and replies to others, I think the issue is far deeper than fear of open adoption. Obviously, adopting a child is not the same thing as giving birth. Being an adoptee is not the same thing as being a bio child. Being an adoptive family is not the same thing as being a family with no adopted members. My hunch is that like there are a lot of things about adoption and its effects on ALL members of the triad that are uncomfortable for you. For your sake, and especially for the sake of your adopted child, please consider these issues, immerse yourself in educational sites, resolve the feelings of jealousy and realize that while different, being an adoptive family is EVERY bit as legitimate as being a non-adoptive family -- maybe then it won't hurt so much, maybe then it won't be so frightening.

I know all of this is easy for me to say -- I haven't suffered from infertility and I have been dealing with adoption-related issues my entire life. I wish you the very best on your journey.

[ddhuab]

While I have personally been convinced of the benefits that can happen in an open adoption, I applaud you for being honest about what you could not live with. Much better to be honest up front and not be deceptive to an expectant mother (and I think some of the unhappy adoptions that close after placement aren't necessarily because paparents were intentionally deceptive, but rather that they were not even honest with themselves about what they could handle).

I do think that you will find placing parents out there that want a closed adoption.

I have a question, and I don't mean to pull the thread off-topic, but have failed adoptions increased or decreased since the era of open adoptions have started? One would think with the positive benifits, successful placements would increase, but I am wondering if the "carrot" of open adoption that is placed before pregnant women considering placement actually keeps them involved longer when, otherwise, they would have chosen to parent much earlier than at the time they see their child in the hospital?

Again, I don't mean to offend with the wording, but one of the greatest losses I feel our daughter will face is that, by adopting internationally, we cannot have an open adoption (or at least, nothing more than open information and an occasional visit, if the firstmom will be interested in contact). Thus, we are seriously considering domestic adoption for our second child.

D.

[MrsD820]

And no offense to you, but people who don't suffer from infertility cannot understand. They really can't. I don't know how many times I've been told to relax, its okay.

Adoption is my ONLY option to be a mother and I will love my child with all my heart. As a Mormon, my baby will be taken with me and my husband to the Temple and I will be sealed to him/her for time and eternity. The little one will be mine in love, law and spirit.

We did not arrived at the decision to adopt lightly, we have been discussing this for years. Trust me, I will have had numerous classes, workshops and counseling sessions before our profile is added to the book or placement is even possible. Some of my jealousy issues will never go away. And other women who suffer from infertility will back me up on that.

[Jensboys]

MrsD - the reality of adoption is that no matter if your child's birth mother is in the picture or not, she will still be a part of your child's life and heart. Your child through adoption WILL HAVE ANOTHER mother. Period. Open or closed, nothing changes that. Grieving that is part of coming to terms with both infertility AND adoption.

Now, yes, in adoption your child will only have ONE mommy. That is different. Are you going to let your sister come and love on your baby? Will the baby have a grandma or cousins that will love on it? Of course! Does that take away your "mommyness" ? No, of course not. Your child will love all those people but they wont feel they are they are more special than YOU. YOU will be the mommy - but the child is QUITE capable of loving other people and understanding that they dont go home and live with them!

Jen