[mom2GRLC]

I was reading on another thread something that really caught my attention. So I thought I would ask it on this thread just a little differently.

If your adopted child was severely hurt in some kind of accident and you were told the child only had an hour or more to live, when would you contact and the birthfamily and let them know? As soon as you found out? After you had contacted your family? the day of or soon after your child passed? Or later after you had already had the funeral and let it all sink in?


Would your answer be different if you had 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, or longer?

What if the birthparents lived in another state and couldn't possibly come to say goodbye anyways?

I thought I knew what my responce would be but the more I think about it, the more I realize I just don't know the answer(then again I have 4 different children...with different levels of contact as it is).

[maxkinzie]

Interesting, I have thought about this along the way. I would notify my family first because they could come be with us, and I have those numbers in my head. Birthmom would be the other priority above friends. We're semi-open thru the agency and e-mail but I'd find her. I have her name, and other family members names, she would deserve to know, and I hope we would be able to get her to us(buy a ticket, whatever) if she wanted.

Another twist to this I've thought about is what if Birthmom would have a terminal illnes or something, would she want to meet DD? We WOULD find a way to get there if she wanted.

Sometimes I think I think too much, but this stuff would be important to have thought out ahead of time, at least I think so.

Interested to read others' thoughts,
max

[MamaTo6]

This is Sooooo hard to even think about.


Yes I would contact our sons bmom. Im not sure at what point I would/could do this but I would find a way to let her know. We adopted from foster care and our son has not had any contact with his bmom since their good bye visit last yr. Our son is 2. Bmom has moved from our province and I do not have contact info for her at this time.... But I could get ahold of her through the CCAS if it was a matter of life and death I think.

[Leigh131313]

They would not be the priority. But I would notify them at some point.

I'm not going into details regarding arrangements and such, because frankly I dont wish to think about it.

I'm sick of these threads.

Leigh

[SchmennaLeigh]

Considering I know when Munchkin has a cold, I would assume that I would be contacted in as timely a manner as possible. Obviously, I would not expect to be the first person called (I would expect their immediate family to be called, especially Grandma). But, knowing what I know of our relationship, I just expect that I would be called shortly after Grandma.

Though I'll ask when we talk later today. lol

[JoEvans]

that is a good question. However, I would hope that my sons, or even daughters adoptive parents would let me know if such a thing happened. It is hard wondering enough how a child is doing. If that would of happened, at least you know, and your not out there still trying to find them. Does that make any sense? I am not sure if I worded it right.

[LisaCA]

when my husband had his seizure and was taken to the hospital, I didn't notify his parents until later, mostly because I didn't want to wake them up but have no information. I called when I could say something more than just "omg". they were angry that I waited, but it was my call and I'd do it again.

probably do the same with dd's bfamilies. if I knew the prognosis was poor, I'd call them, even if they couldn't come out (we're a 4 hr flight away).

they're family so of course i'd call, and I'd call them right after I called my sis.

[AwaitingBeloved]

I had never thought about this. It's a terrifying thing to think about.

I would like to think I'd call the birthparents immediately. Probably call my mom first, and then the child's other mom second. However, if things are bad enough and I didn't want to leave child's side, I might not be able to call anyone until after.

I would certainly contact the bparents as soon as I thought of it, and include them in the funeral/memorial planning.

Great question, important question, scary thing to think about but probably should.

[JoEvans]

yes it is a question. But one we should think about. Lord knows, we dont want to ever have to think about a situation like that, but it is bound to happen, one day.

[mom2GRLC]

My first reaction was NO. I would spend that last hour or so holding my child and giving them my full attention....the ONLY phone call I would certinaly make would be my husband(regardless if he was out of town/country...etc)

Even if i had a day or so...I still think I'd rather keep it all between family(honestly...normal visits under good circumstances are very difficult to handle emotionally so...I don't think i could bare birth family being there as well and having to share that time....it would just be so hard.

If I was told a week to a few weeks then I'm sure I could find my way....to finally be able to call them and hopefully set up a time to meet for a short time(I don't think I could handle having them their constantly for the last few days...etc...just way to hard!!!)

It's funny that I think my answer would be no...because my fs had a very scary thing happen a week ago when my husband was out of town(I didn't have his number on me). He's 16 months old and had a fever of 105.2 and was almost going into a seizure and not very responsive. I freaked out and called my sister first since she lives a couple minutes away and i needed to have her rush over to watch all the other kids while I ran him down to the ER. On my way to the hospital he started to look a little better but I was still very worried about him. I was so tempted to call his grandma(who we sit and visit with 1 hour a week) to tell her what was happening and see if she wanted to meet me at the hospital. I wanted her there...i wanted her support...but decided against it. I didn't want to worry her for no reason when it was likely just an ear infection(which it was), so I decided not to call her. But I had decided that if while we were at the ER if they suspected something worse then i would call her. Since we don't have contact out of DHS visits I didn't even tell her about the ER visit until a few days later at his visit.

It just goes to show that you never know what you might think or feel at the moment of an emergency. I say NO I would not call immediately but then again....I can't imagine not calling(especially if we do have an open ongoing relationship).

oh....I'm starting to think maybe the answer would be Yes. If they did come to the hospital they would certianly be such a good emotional support...I mean who in the world could have the same kind of love for that same child? That doesn't mean they'd have to stay in the room 24/7, I mean I am the mom...and most hospitals only let so many people in the room at one time....so I would definately be the one there holding my child MOST of the time.

Oh...it's just to hard to think about....why did I even bring it up??? =0( ok... I'm done thinking about it for now!!!!

[AwaitingBeloved]

If it makes any difference Mom2GRLC, in that case, I wouldn't have called either. I was thinking along the lines of a terrible accident or maybe a sudden illness that quickly became a grim situation.

I think it was fine how you handled it. I'd like to think that I'd rather not worry the bparents, too, if I were in your shoes. If it was a more serious condition though (like if you found out your child only had a few hours to live or something) then I think I would contact the bparents when I thought of it. Honestly, having been through situations with losing family members unexpectedly, I know you often don't think of ANYthing other than that person in that situation.

Sorry if I made you feel badly. I thought you meant a life threatening illness. Not a serious fever (which I acknowledge could be a predecessor to a life threatening condition), but something that has been diagnosed. I don't think you did anything wrong.

JMHO

[taramayrn]

I think it is just considerate (in my opinion) to call the birthparents and let them know the child is deathly ill. I don't think they need to be notified right away but certainly when you call other family, eg: grandparents, then need to be notified.

Just as I would call my son's parents and let them know if my husband or another close family member was deathly ill. I wouldn't expect them to come but I think they would deserve to know so they could make the decision themselves.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by FH-taramayrn

Just as I would call my son's parents and let them know if my husband or another close family member was deathly ill. I wouldn't expect them to come but I think they would deserve to know so they could make the decision themselves.

*nods*

Should anything happen to me, Josh (who is NOT Munchkin's birthfather), Nicholas (half-sibling) or the birthfather, I would let them know as soon as immediate family members were notified. (When it comes to birthfather, I probably wouldn't know immediately, myself, but I'd let them know when I knew.) In our family, should something happen to me, Josh knows that J&D are to be called after my own parents and his parents.

Then again, should something happen to me, Munchkin is listed as a beneficiary on my life insurance. So, maybe we're just different in the way we go about things? (Nick and Josh get the majority but Munchkin gets some as well.)

[taramayrn]

Jenna...Thomas is the beneficiary to my pension, after my mom and Chad.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Tara, that doesn't surprise me.