[teegrainca]

Hello! I have a question for all of those with experience. I am simply looking for opinions. I have not done all of my research (and I actually still have plenty of time to do it), but when we have our adopted child, I want to do what's best for him/her. Any ideas and opinions you might have would be greatly appreciated...

What age do you think is a good age to introduce a child of an open adoption to the birth parents and family?

If you believe that it's different for each family's adoption, please let me know some of the queues that an adoptive parent should look for to know that the time is right.

I have heard that too early can be confusing for the child, as well as his/her adopted brothers/sisters and biological brothers and sisters.

I've also seen many stories about where adoptive families vacation in the towns of the birth parents and visit them.

I don't know which will be right for us, but I would be happy to hear opinions and experiences.

Thanks!
Karen

[gigigeorge]

I just wanted to share our story... I hope it will answer some of your questions...

For starters, I STRONGLY believe that being involved with the birthparents (extended family whatever) is in no way confusing to a child... if we are all open and honest, but perhaps my view is skewed because I grew up with divorced parents, 1/2 and whole siblings, siblings by marriage etc... but throughout it all I understood who my parents were and why my brother lived with my dad and stepmom (he was her son)...

After our son was born, we spend time with our birthmom in the hospital and got together with her and her family the day we left town. She showed us pictures of her girls (Aidan's sisters) and told us all about them but because it was such an emotional time for her she didn't want the girls to be around because they would get upset if she was upset... fast forward 6 months, we talked on the phone all the time but around 6 months is when we first got together again... we met at the Zoo near their house so that everyone could get reacquainted and then we spent the weekend visiting with her family at their house. At the Zoo we met Aidan's sister for the first time, they knew who Aidan was but also understood that we were his mommy & daddy... (if he cried her oldest would say 'don't cry your mommy is right there' and point to me)... since then we have visited many times... it seems the most natural thing in the world and we believe that Aidan will benefit from this openness in his adoption...

Hope that helps.

gina.

[spaypets]

When do you think birthparents should meet the child?
Um, at birth? I mean, the bmother is there right?

Seriously, if you're planning on having and ongoing face- to-face relationships with the bfamily then I think the visits should be done in infancy and continue on so that the bfamily are just more people who love the baby.

If you're not able to do lots of visits for whatever reason, you can still "introduce" the birth family the same way we "introduced" my husband's family. Their pictures are on our refrigerator, we have videotapes of them reading stories to my daughter. They send cards and gifts and we make sure she knows about them.

Even though we don't know my daughter's bfamily (international adoption) we include them when we tell her story to her, and we do that every month or so and have since she came home.

[teegrainca]

Um, at birth? I mean, the bmother is there right?

LOL!!! Yes... of course she will be there, and she will be in our area for a month after the birth, so depending on how she feels and what she wants, I am sure she will be spending time with us, then, as well. I think she is unsure right now, as well, about what is right for her family too. She has 2 young children at home.

I am open to anything at this point. I want the birth mom to be comfortable... I don't want to make things more difficult for her, as well. I cannot imagine what she will be going through after the birth. In that respect, I really want to let her call the shots.

I agree whole-heartedly that the child's birth family can be like extended family and that many more people to love the child. I want things to be open and honest. I have already purchased a bunch of children's books that introduce adoption. I plan on putting a photo of the childs birth family and my husband and I together *edit...when I say this I mean one picture with all of us in it* in the baby's bedroom so that he/she always knows how much we care for them and how comfortable we are with the fact that the baby has more family than just us. Maybe after the birth, we can also get some shots of her holding the baby. I want this baby to know how much he/she is loved by the birth family as well as us.

It's actually the counselors at our agency that have kind of steered us away from an early meeting. Isn't that odd. I guess when it all comes down to it, we will have to see as time goes on what makes sense for all of us, what is comfortable and what is best for the baby (which is actually #1).

Thanks for your responses! I get a lot out of reading about other family's situations.

If anyone else wants to share their relationship with thier birth families, I would love the read those too.

Thanks!
Karen

[michellemartin]

I think younger is better. I "met" my bdaughter at three months, six months, one year, 11 months... okay, you get the idea.

She'll grow up with us always in her life. She'll never have to wonder who I am or who her bdad is. She'll always know. She'll never have to feel that anyone is hiding anything from her, because we're all there and support her (bfam and afam).

AND this is in no way confusing for the daughter I parent who is almost eight years old. She thinks it's great to be able to visit Kara. Not only that, but she thinks that it's simple to understand that her and Kara are sisters but have different moms! So, confusion is really just not an issue.

[LisaCA]

for dd it's just her norm. Dd met mom at birth (though they did spend 9 months getting to know each other) and then a few times that first week when we were in town. since we live about 2200 miles away, we met up with them again when dd was 11.5 months old. we expect to fly out again when dd's around 2, at least yearly if we can swing it. They're welcome at any time.

And it was funny-dd really hated being held by anyone. She's 11.5 months and we fly out. we get to bmom's house and she just went into everyone's lap, like she "knew" them . She was passed from aunt to cousin to bmom and then around again, and enjoyed every minute.

bmom and family as well as bdad and family are in pictures in her bedroom. we also have a small plastic photo album, the size of a small board book which holds relatives (4x6 photos) and we go thru that daily. it's her fav book and it's full of all the relatives holding her. Lets her know that all these people love her to death . it's her norm and I'm sure she'll love telling people "I have 4 grandmas and 4 grandpas", not to mention "two moms", lol.

[blessedbybug]

My first thought is they've already met at her birth. ANd were together the nine months prior to her birth. That said, our DD is almost 2. We have had three visits (at 1 month, 14 months, 20 months) so far with her first family, including two sisters, her first mother and first grandparents. We would like it to be more, at least every 3 months, but this is what they want.

Bug doesn't/hasn't found it confusing at all. Neither have they. I am Momma. Her Daddy is Daddy. K is K. And her sisters are her sisters. AS much as we can, I want them to be a part of her life and for us to be a part of theirs.

Start early. This is her story. You can't change that nor would you want to. You can't hide her or them. So embrace it.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Our first visit was at four months of age. We visit four times per year. There has been no confusion.

[teegrainca]

Wow.... what great stories! Thank you so much for sharing them with me!

It seems so natural and healthy the way all of you are handling this. I agree 100%... I want this baby (who we just found out yesterday is a GIRL!!! ) to be comfortable with who she is and where she come from. I want her to know (first hand) how much her birth family loves her. I never want her to be deprived of the love of her siblings. You all make that seem so easy and possible... and I suppose it is!

Does anyone tell any of you that it's NOT healthy? I feel like so many people (friends and family) are telling us not to get too close to the birth family (Mom, Dad, & kids). To do that, to me, would mean being someone other than myself. I cannot protect myself from their ultimate decision on the day of the birth. I can only imagine how hard it will be for them. I have told her that on that day, she needs to think of herself and her family and what is best for them. Although I also cannot imagine how hard it will be for us if she changes her mind, I have to understand that this baby is hers and she has an absolute right to do whatever she feels is best. Who am I to say that "WE" are the best, anyway! Why separate her from the first people who loved her if that's not even what they want? I can say that we have an enormous amount of love that we would feel privileged to bestow on this little girl... but if their decision is not to go through with it, then it isn't meant to be. In any event, right now they seem really certain of their decision, so I just need to go with that.

I think of my DH and I as building a relationship that will last many many years to come. It's important! I, personally, think the "don't get too close" comments are just bad advice (how could they know anyway?!?!), so I'm trying to let it go in one ear and out the other. They are worried that if they definitely do go through with the adoption, we will be too close and then hurt and miss each other after the baby is born... and that just won't happen if we do visit and talk and keep in touch. I think we can all be like an extended family. I tell you all what... I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

Your stories really give me a lot better perspective... I think I have known in my heart what is right, but when everyone has an opinion, it's easy to get confused. I think it's most important to listen #1- to my heart and #2 - to those who have experienced an open adoption.

Thanks, again!
Karen

[LisaCA]

your family may be worried that if the expectant mom doesn't place with you, that you'll be hurt. And it's true, you'll be hurt. Just keep saying to yourself that it's her decision, she'll need to remake the decision over and over til the child's born and then again before she leaves the hospital.

That said, if she does place, you have built a great relationship which can last forever.

There are things they can read, including a book by Pat johnston (I think) about family and adoption called "Adoption: it's a family affair". it's all new to your family and they're worried for you. most family members feel it's there god-given duty to share their opinion, whether you need it or not, lol. it's easier if they know your side of it, read a book or pamphlet, and then hopefully learn something.

good luck!

lisa

[timni]

yes, good intentioned people..who love you in particular.... Have said to us we need to "move on" "have some separation" etc. But they don't understand adoption they only know it is hard and could be "easier" another way. What they don't know is the other way is MUCH harder on the child. Who is my #1 priority and concern. JMHO

[blessedbybug]

We've been blessed to have family that hasn't tried to persuade us not to have an open relationship. But I can imagine for all of them it is hard to understand, as is alot of the adoption process. They can't understand why you would let another family be a part of your child's life mostly because they can't fathom it, having never experienced it. It may be a protectiveness of you... they don't want you to be hurt after all you've been through. We just try to talk about the positive aspects of our relnship with Bug's first family. We don't share some of the difficult things that have happened. It's Bug's story to tell anyway.

[DebCsMom]

We have 3 total open adoptions. Each one is different. With our 5 year old we see her BMom, who lives in another state, one to two times a year. We drive there, spend the weekend in a hotel or with BMom parents. She has 3 1/2 siblings now who are with her BMom, 1 older & 2 younger. In between visits we call each other and I send TONS of pictures. When an exciting event happens, our DD will call her BMom & share it with her. Like when shelost her first tooth, first day of Soccer, first day of kindergarten, first learned to tie her shoes, etc. She isn't confused at all about who she is or about her adoption.

Our 3 year olds BMom we see 4-5 times a year. She lives only a couple hours away. Our first visit with her was when our DD was 3 months old. We drive to her house, pick her up for the weekend or a few days & then her parents come to bring her home. In between visits we exchange phone calls, emails & many pictures. She has even babysat for us a couple of times!! It's kind of a joke we have...when we leave the house we remind her that kidnapping is a felony! LOL At 3 years old she too understands about adoption, as much as a 3 year old can. She knows that she grew in her BMoms belly. We show her pictures of those days before she came home.

Our 2year olds BMom we first saw on His 2nd birthday. She lived a few states away at the time of his birth. She has since moved only a couple hours away. BUT, we had visits with his BGrandma, BAunt & his 3 siblings a few times. The day before his 2nd birthday & 23 days before his BSisters birthday we went there & had a birthday party for the 2 of them. Again, we had many phone calls & I sent TONS of pictures to BMom in between. He is only 2 but knows that when he sees the picture of his BMom holding him that we keep on his dresser, he knows that is his BMom "N". He of course has no idea what that means, but when he gives the picture a kiss every night, he tells her he loves her.

Every family is different. You can only do what you are comfortable with. What the BParents are comfortable with. You have to make choices that are right for you & your family. Our kids have MANY Grandparents! They call ALL the BGrandparents Grandma & Grandpa. How many kids can say they have 5 sets of Granparents who love them & hug them & send them ALL gifts!

We are very blessed to have such great Birth families!! Our children are blessed to have so much family who love them! I don't kow where I heard this from but I LOVE the quote...

"Open adoption doesn't complicate our lives, it COMPLIMENTS it!"

Deb

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by teegrainca

What age do you think is a good age to introduce a child of an open adoption to the birth parents and family?

I think the earlier the better. In my case I wasn't able to handle it so J was almost a year old when I saw her again after we left the hospital. I would have loved for it to be sooner but ...... Since then there have been 2 other visits and we are planning on the next one. I don't see how it can be confusing if she isn't confused from the beginning. L is mom, B is dad, I am L and B is B ( slightly confusing since L&B have the same initials as me and bdad). There is a photo of B and myself in J's room and we will always be there for her so there isn't any confusion about who we are to her.

[michellemartin]

Does anyone tell any of you that it's NOT healthy?

Kara's aparents got that a bit. Most of the time it was from people who were scared I'd run off with Kara if I knew where they lived. Me sneaking into their home in the middle of the night to run off with Kara just seems rediculous to me, but I guess I can see how someone might think people would do that, you know, since that's how Lifetime and WE portrays BP's.

But anyway, even if the bp's are unstable (which I dont think is the majority at all) I think it's still healthy to have an open relationship.
And why I say that is... Would you want your child to know about their birthfamily issues while you're there to help them sort out how they feel about it? Or would you rather have your child learn about those issues after they've grown up and you're not there to support your child? So, IMO, open is always better, even if the bp's are unstable.