[teegrainca]

Your stories are all interesting and inspiring to me. Thanks for continuing to share.

It is a little aggravating when people push their concerns on me... but I think I have it under control. Someone I am very close to asked if she could express her concerns to me and I told her no. I basically said that this is my life and these decisions are mine to make and since she has no experience in the area, I wouldn't be listening to her anyway. I said I've been letting it go in one ear and out the other thus far, anyway. She took it very well because I said it in the nicest way possible. In any event, she got the point. ;-)

As far as visits and things are concerned, I am not going to go into it too much right now with our pbmother. I figure that we have time to work it all out and when the topic comes up, we can talk about it then. I don't want to force a conversation on her or seem like I am pushing. Whatever decisions we come to, I want her to be comfortable with them. I certainly don't want to cause her any pain.

I talked to DH last night about it and he is totally on board with maintaining the friendships and contact with the pbparents in the future. That was a relief. Yay! I think everything will just fall into place just fine.

And Deb....

"Open adoption doesn't complicate our lives, it COMPLIMENTS it!"

What a beautiful sentiment... thank you!

-Karen

[NicNic]

Our baby was just born 11 days ago and we've already visited with her bmom twice. We plan on getting together about once a week for the next couple of months. We will then go to once a month. We are coming up with a schedule to look forward to together...so far it's working out wonderfully.

[mom2justynsarah]

Does anyone tell any of you that it's NOT healthy?

Now that is the understatement of the year!

I have been advised by so many people (including an adoption professional) that it is NOT healthy to allow face to face contact.

My daughter is only 14 months old. I have been told she should have NO contact whatsoever until she is an adult.

Just for the record, I do NOT agree with that at all. But I don't really feel like getting into a debate or a dispute about what's right or wrong etc etc.

I have posted several threads regarding this issue (and have gotten fabulous advise).

[lilifelover]

I'm of the opinion that for an open adoption to be truly open, there needs to be candid, consistent and frequent contact between birthfamily and adoptive family. The birthmother has already met her child, and to be honest, the sooner visits begin the less confusing it will be for everyone. Let me explain.

A child growing up in one situation will believe that it is the most natural situation in the world. It's true. Kids grow up in two-parent families, with their grandparents or juggling a bunch of step-parents. Each child in each situation will consider that "normal" for their purposes. Throwing a child into a different situation later in life could cause some minor issues to surface. Imagine one day many years down the road when Birthmom magically shows up at the door. What is that child going to think? It would have been easier to have an established relationship when that child was younger--before too many questions would surface.

Secondly, what does that do to the birthmother? What does it do to you? Calling a birthparent in 6 years isn't going to help the situation. It won't help you either. The longer you wait the harder it will be to make that call (I know some with 18 year-olds that still haven't done it). Plus, you will be throwing yourself into a situation that you haven't tried yet. It takes a little bit of time before birthparents and adoptive parents can truly co-exist with one another without an extreme amount of effort. You'll have wanted to get past that first stage of the face-to-face relationship before that child will be old enough to pick up on a lot of things. Plus, this helps you to have a relationship and be more comfortable with one another. It helps birthparents and the child to be comfortable with one another and it helps everyone adjust to their roles.

Assuming there is no danger to anyone with having face-to-face, consistent and frequent contact there really isn't reason to hold off on it. By all means, take some time to bond with your baby and birthmother will take some time to help heal her broken heart, but the sooner you get your relationship started the easier it will be for everyone.

That's my suggestion- I'm speaking from experience (and drawing from a few others' experiences and an open adoption agency's research as well). Hope it helps!

[lilifelover]

Oh, by the way, I read on here about people ignoring advice from "outsiders" and that made sense. There was a point turing my pregnancy when I just had to stop taking advice from others that weren't involved. In reality, everyone in the world will have an opinion about how you should raise your daughter...but in all likelihood, you are one of the only people that has put some thought and research into it. You can't stop your family from making suggestions, but you can say that you know what's best for your husband and your child. You shouldn't listen to people off the street or at work, but instead look for advice from those who have experience. Pray, research and don't worry about what other people think--adoption can be a hot-button issue and people tend to write off birthparents all too easy. ) I'm a little biased, but so are my daughter's Adoptive Parents. They got to know me and their entire extended family has switched their positions on the issue because of that. We're a family now!

Oh, and about all the confusion issues...I believe that the adults involved in adoption are the only ones that really get confused--and when that happens it's usually our fault anyway. )

[joskids]

I think that it depends on how the birthmother is adjusting. I'm an adoptive mother so coming from a different place here but do assume that a birthmother needs some time to appropriately deal with her initial grief/loss before visits begin but that would really depend on the individual birthmother. Our daughter is 2 months old and already had a couple of visits by both birthparents. It hasn't been easy emotionally because we aren't clear what she is feeling because I feel she's keeping a lot bottled up. We do love our birthmother and feel like she's a daughter but want to be sure she understands the spirit of open adoption. We are her parents, they are her birthparents. We won't allow our daughter to be confused and agree that the confusion lies mostly in the aparents and bioparents more than in the child who should be talked openly to about adoption right from the beginning. We have 3 others adopted and used car rides to say to our children "we're so glad we adopted you" so that adoption was an open term right from the beginning. They are each proud of their adoption stories and as time goes by and they are ready for more of their own personal story, we share it. I cannot say that open adoption is easy but I do believe in my heart that it is in the best interest of the adopted child. Thanks for letting me go on.

Josie

[DebCsMom]

I agree with lillifelover. We believe too that our open adoption relations will be a normal part of our children's life. We have had visits as soon as possible & as many as possible. They will grow up knowing that this is how their family is. They won't be confused at all. I also agree that it takes time to develop trust & comfort in a relationship...ANY realtionship, not just in adoption. Extended family too needs to be comfortable. We feel that when we adopted our children, we just didn't adopt that child, we added a WHOLE FAMILY!

I LOVE how our relationships have developed with our children's birth families. I LOVE how when our 3 year old's BMom came to spend a few days with us a couple weeks ago, that she is so comfortable with us that she just goes about like she lives here! LOL I love when we were all laying in bed & she had her head on my tummy while I played with her hair..like she was my daughter. (She's a young girl). I LOVED when our daughter took her arms around both her Birth Mom & I in a HUGE HUG & said, "I LOVE MY MOMMYS!" It brought tears to my eyes knowing that she at 3 years old could feel that way! Then her Birth Mom & I both hugged & cried! LOL

Sorry to ramble on! I agree that the sooner the better, for everyone involved.

Deb

[lilifelover]

Wow Deb,
Beautiful story! Isn't it amazing how kids express themselves? My daughter is almost 2 and a half and she surprises me sometimes during visits by just revealing a feeling or thought that she had. It is really encouraging for her APs if it was something that they were trying to teach her and it's really neat for me when she expresses genuine love for me in her own little ways. I love it!

[snapple15]

I debate this issue over and over. Currently the bmom and bdad do not want to see my little girl. It has been 2 months since her birth. I am however getting letters from the Birthdad's grandma to see her and to send pictures.

I am not sure what to do. I don't feel threatened but I think out of respect for the bparents that we keep a low profile until they have the opportunity to meet with Sofia.

Also should I intiate the first meeting with bparents or wait till they call me..they live about 20 minutes away.

so confused, i thought this would be easier or would come with an instruction manual...

first post and I have read many others with excellent information...

thanks

[michellemartin]

Originally Posted by snapple15

I am not sure what to do. I don't feel threatened but I think out of respect for the bparents that we keep a low profile until they have the opportunity to meet with Sofia.

Also should I intiate the first meeting with bparents or wait till they call me..they live about 20 minutes away.

As a bparent, I would be offended if my family went to visit the first time after placement without me. And I'd have been offended if my family started visiting if I didn't want to have visits with the afam myself. But I wouldnt be mad at the ap's for it, I'd be mad at my family for pushing for something that I dont think they have any right to push for. (yeah, she's biologically their granddaughter, but still, out of respect for me, their daughter...)

And I think that mentioning to the bfam that you would like to visit them sometime soon and tell them to let you know when a good time might be would be an okay thing to do . They're probably just as afraid to ask for a visit as you are. I know I was soooo worried about asking for the first visit because I felt if I asked too soon, I'd be interfering with their new family life. And I didn't want to wait too long because I was afraid they'd change their mind about visits! Oh, were those first few months tough!

[michellemartin]

Originally Posted by joskids

We won't allow our daughter to be confused and agree that the confusion lies mostly in the aparents and bioparents more than in the child who should be talked openly to about adoption right from the beginning.
Josie

You know, I agree! Kids are the one's who think whatever situation they're in is just normal! My daughter has no confusion issues about her sister. Her sister is her sister, they just have different moms! And she'll tell people her sister has a different mom when she talks about Kara, and sometimes people, even people who know about Kara, get confused. But to Karma, having a sister with a different mom than her is the most natural thing in the world.

[lilifelover]

It took me awhile to get past the idea of my parents getting to see my daughter and her family without me there. I'm just jealous, that's all. :-) I had to move away to finish school and everyone else is still in the same area, so they have visits without me regularly. I also don't think there's been a point when I haven't wanted to see my daughter, but there have been times when I would have rather not dealt with her parents or large extended family. I haven't, however, cancelled a visit because of that...just dealt with it. I mean, after all, how will you get beyond something if you just ignore it? These relationships take practice!

I also don't ask my daughter's parents for visits. I really don't. I think they would be offended if I asked to drop by or meet somewhere. I have gotten to the point of letting them know when I have a break and will be home for a weekend or holiday...just so they'll have the oppertunity to see me if they want. Usually we'll get together. When I am in town I'll call from time to time to check in (or they will) and we make it a point to see eachother every holiday, birthday, adoption day, and once or twice a month in general. Sometimes schedules work out, sometimes they don't. We may get together 3 weekends a month for different things and we might go 2 months before we're all free at the same time...but it works out. We're a family and it's treated as such. I do try and keep the APs happy by not demanding time with them and they try to make time for me anyway (cause we really do all love each other)!

It's a delicate balance and we've all had to learn where we belong and what our "behavioral rules" are towards each other. It's absolutely different from anything else, but it's worth it in the end! Every time my daughter comes running up to me with a huge kiss and a "big hug for Faith" I melt. I'd do anything for my daughter and hearing her whisper "Love you, Faith" as she gives me a bear hug is great!

[billysmommy]

Originally Posted by michellemartin

You know, I agree! Kids are the one's who think whatever situation they're in is just normal! My daughter has no confusion issues about her sister. Her sister is her sister, they just have different moms! And she'll tell people her sister has a different mom when she talks about Kara, and sometimes people, even people who know about Kara, get confused. But to Karma, having a sister with a different mom than her is the most natural thing in the world.

Sooooo true! My son is the same way about his brother - it just IS. Nothing unusual or strange about it. He's four. About a month ago, we were outside playing with the other kids on the block. Somehow a conversation started (amongst the kids, ages 19 months - 6 years) about brothers and sisters and my son (who is 4) mentions that he has 2 sisters and a brother. The kids are arguing with him - they are neighbors, they know who lives here and there's no brother. My son (with his hands on his hips) says "well remember how I told you I was adopted? that's why I have a brother!"
His best friend's response to that??? "Yeah, well I have two mommies!"

And as quickly as it came on, it was gone and the boys morphed back into Power Rangers, lol, and went on playing. If only adults could take cues from the children........

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by michellemartin

You know, I agree! Kids are the one's who think whatever situation they're in is just normal! My daughter has no confusion issues about her sister. Her sister is her sister, they just have different moms! And she'll tell people her sister has a different mom when she talks about Kara, and sometimes people, even people who know about Kara, get confused. But to Karma, having a sister with a different mom than her is the most natural thing in the world.

Thanks Michelle. I needed to know that Nick will be a-okay with all of this.